Taking away a phone from a teen!

[WeakandWobbly]

My 13yo ds has had a mobile for exactly one year. He has ASD. Over the course of the year he has become more and more fixated on it. He rarely has calls or online chats with friends. He gets up as early as 6.30am to play space games and watch YouTube bloggers talking about rockets, which is his special interest.
He gave up scouts, and he gave up drama club. Now he has no hobbies, doesn't leave the house at all on weekends, and won't help out around the house. 99% of the arguments and fights (and I mean him shoving me, kicking me, shouting abuse at me, breaking things) occurs when my dh and I try to enforce boundaries on usage.
We think we have been very reasonable in that he can have his phone before school, he is banned - by the school-- from having it in school so he doesn't take it. In the evening he will not engage with anyone nicely until it's 7.30pm when the phone has to be handed in. He often hides it, refuses to hand it over, keeps the password secret and so on. we just let him have free rein during lockdown to help him to cope, but now it's just silly and having a massive impact on family life, so that we can never go anywhere as a group, or we leave him at home for long periods as he won't leave the house . Not even to get a haircut or new shoes.
My DD age 11 also has a phone, but we don't have any problems with her handing her phone over.
This weekend was particularly bad where ds was kicking me and spitting at me, calling me a lunatic, threw water in my face, because my efforts to control phone usage he sees as bullying.
We were thinking of taking away the phone and destroying it, but don't want to be cruel.
We are in the process of getting an EHCP and are thinking of getting a personal budget to get a young adult really help him out of this rut because we're all miserable here. He has PDA, so the usual tactics don't work. On the other hand we don't want to be walked all over either!
I've had some ideas on the AIBU chat, but would welcome any further insights you have.

would he believe you if you told him the phone became faulty and you cannot afford another one?

Or maybe what we do in our house. It's limited by both our Sky Broadband settings and also a parent control app. The "internet company", turn it off at certain time

Sounds like a great idea! He's a bit clever for that, but worth a try!

@WeakandWobbly

Sounds like a great idea! He's a bit clever for that, but worth a try!

Hope this works . Our son has ADHD and is easily addicted to tech. Had extreme aggression over lockdown as he was excessively gaming on his mobile phone. Had to ring police twice. I really understand how horrible it is.

We have the same problem here and wish I know the answer to this. My boy is 12 and also has ASD. Phone usage is taking over his life (and ours) and his academic performance as well as social interactions (at home or with his peers) are really suffering as a result! I got a safe as a last resort so I can lock all phones away (incl mine to set an example!). I will let you know if this works...

Speaking as an autistic person, I think it’s very important to handle this with care. I understand the frustration when your children are more interested in their devices than their families, but have you considered why he might be doing that? There’s often a reason behind kids spending most of their time in their rooms or on devices. I don’t think taking the phone away is the best solution, especially if he’s using it to engage with his special interests because taking away the phone could mean taking away his access to his special interest.

The way he reacts to having his phone usage controlled sounds like a meltdown. It’s not your fault, but there are things you can do to make it easier on him and thus, prevent meltdowns. Remember that meltdowns are reactions to being overwhelmed by sensory or emotional information. He might not fully understand why his phone usage is being controlled, even if it seems obvious to you. Sitting down and explaining exactly what your reasons are can help him understand.

Another thing: Does he have non-violent coping mechanisms that he could use instead, such as stims/fidgets, a weighted blanket (if pressure is something that helps calm him down; tight hugs can also help if he’s okay with being touched at that moment), punching a pillow to get his anger out, or some other strategy that doesn’t involve hurting people. Something my mum did when I was a teenager having violent meltdowns that really helped me was to tell me that she would hear me out once I calmed down and was able to politely tell her what I wanted. Sometimes that changed her mind, and sometimes it was still a no, but she always listened and responded to what I was saying. Non-violent coping mechanisms can help autistic children get to a point where they are able to have a conversation about the issue.

Preventing meltdowns means preventing the cause. In this case, it sounds like they’re happening because he’s having a hard time with you regulating his phone usage. Perhaps you could try gradually reducing his phone and helping him build other hobbies? Ask him to sit with the family while he uses his phone and not in his room. Start small if you need to, ask him to spend an hour with the family (even if he’s using his phone), then once he’s done that a few times, you can make it two hours, and so on. Bring his phone along on outings and tell him that he can use it if he comes with you, or he can stay at home and find something else to do. If he was interested in scouts and drama club before, he might still be interested in them.

As for the passcode, let him have privacy. Strict parenting creates sneaky children, respecting their privacy creates honest children. Talk to him about Internet safety and inappropriate content (especially about how a lot of online content isn’t realistic), give him information on how to protect himself from people who may not have the best intentions, and try to create an environment where he knows he can tell you things.

I hope this helps!

@electrickangaroo thank you for taking the time to write. I actually agree with all that you say and I will try some of these tactics. There are very very few occasions where I can sit down and have a calm conversation with him - usually at night when we're both tired, that is all. But I will have the conversations and see how things go. I really appreciate your message. All the best.