DD(20) has no friends

[blimppy]

I know this is not readily fixed, but it makes me so sad, and her. DD has a diagnosis of Aspergers, diagnosed a few years ago, and has significant problems with Anxiety, particularly Social Anxiety. She has always struggled with friendship. She has made friends over the years but for one reason or another they always fizzle out. While in some cases I can see why, it is obvious that the common factor is DD. She is very high functioning and does not normally come across as having ASD, but anecdotally her peers have found her "weird". She certainly struggles to engage with group situations in particular. She works in a low pay profession and really has little in common with her colleagues. She's been furloughed since March and, while she has enjoyed not having to interract with others she finds difficult, it is really bringing home how alone, and lonely, she is. She's very resistant to the idea of joining groups because of her Anxiety, and she also gets very tired when working. Anyone have any top tips? Particularly, are there any online fora where she might get to know similar young adults?

That sounds very difficult for both of you. I don't have any top tips, unfortunately, but hopefully some wiser MN members will be along soon. Your DD is doing incredibly well to be working in a profession and sounds like a brave and remarkable young lady.

Thank you! I am very proud of how she copes with it all. It doesn't matter how old they get, you still want to be able to fix things!

Is she into online gaming at all? That's often a good way to meet like minds. Or perhaps an online discussion forum for a hobby/interest/TV show she likes?

I'm neurodivergent as are most of my family and my emphasis would be on quality rather than quantity.

Personally, I find it so much more rewarding and meaningful to have a few neurodivergent friends I can completely be myself around than to try to fit in with neurotypical folks.

It always ends up being the neurodivergent person who has to bridge the gulf in understanding in NT environments, and it's incredibly stressful constantly having to translate everything you say to express it in a way that's going to be appreciated and understood by NT people. IME, it can often end up with the neurodivergent person making a huge amount of effort merely to be understood and come across as 'acceptable', still to be burned in some way by the experience. I can 'pass' in social situations, but it's soo boring and frustrating and I can think of a million ways I'd rather spend my time.

So my advice would be fuck that shit, TBH!

Group situations can be hell as there's so much going on - for years I thought I had a hearing problem because I couldn't hear people in busy pubs, but it was just that there was so much going on I had no hope of following the conversation.

I would also consider how much DD is bothered by the situation - if she genuinely wants to put herself out there and it is getting her down, is she doing anything to address her anxiety? I always felt pressure to conform to society's expectations when I was younger, whereas DS17 tells me where to go if I casually mention an SEN social group!

Hi Prime, thank you so much for your response. It's really helpful to get that insight. I absolutely recognise what you say about putting all the effort in to "passing as acceptable" only to then still get hurt orf tripped up by something. It is exhausting for her. My DD is lonely, and would love a friend, but you are quite right that she does not really want to be in a group situation. One of her problems with the few friends she has had in the past is that they always want to meet up with others in a big group,, which she finds so stressful! Finding someone similar to herself would be great, but her experience of meeting others with ASD has been limited to those who are more obviously impacted than her. She's sort of caught between neuro-diverse and NT! She does enjoy gaming, so I will gently suggest she looks into that more.

Glad to be some help!

The other thing she might want to think about when lockdown has eased is downloading the Meetup app and looking for ASD social groups on there - often, they attract a different crowd from an SEN youth group and there will likely be a higher proportion of people who are more independent.

Also, I do think it will become easier as she gets older, both because I've picked up quirky friends at work over the years (because like attracts like) and because she will hopefully become more confident in communicating her needs to others without worrying about risking the friendship (it's one of those 'the people who matter won't mind and the people who mind don't matter' things). As she learns more about her difficulties and how they affect her socially, and as she continues to develop her social skills, she'll get to a point where she'll be able to navigate those awkward situations where a group situation won't work without offending anyone good.

For years, I would go to pubs and group things and really struggle to look like I was enjoying it (because I wasn't!) and would find socialising really hard. And then a few years ago I met one of my good friends who simply says "I really want to see you but I'm not coming to the pub", or "this place is too busy and I'm going to find it hard to deal with - do you mind if we look for somewhere quieter?" And once people understand, they're perfectly willing to accommodate. It's also a very handy filter for selfish dickheads before you waste too much time on them!

This does come with age and confidence though - it's so much harder when you're young and would give anything to be able to just fit in! She'll find her people and will learn to navigate it all - it just might take some time and patience!