Emotional maturity in autistic teens

[Punxsutawney]

So Ds is 16 this week and the gap between him and his peers seems to be widening.

I feel that emotionally he's probably around a year 7/8 so around 11/12 age wise. He's not niave and has an understanding of more adult things but does not seem anywhere close to adulthood himself.

He's due to go back to mainstream sixth form in September and I'm concerned about just how different his life seems to others now. I've wrapped up his birthday presents today and he has a cuddly toy and some fidget toys too. He doesn't have any friends, so he is not part of a group or has anyone to talk to or meet up with.

I know every autistic person is different but does anyone with older teens/young adults have any advice on how I can help him make this jump to the sixth form environment? It just feels hard when others are in relationships, going to parties, learning to drive and getting part time jobs and Ds can't even leave the house independently.

Can you try and get DS to say what was difficult about the transition Punx?

If he finds it hard to talk about it, see if he can write it down.

Maybe if you can break down and identify what the problems were you can then talk to the new school and ask what they can put in place so the same thing doesn't happen again.

And I'd start getting him used to going to the new school by just
driving past it a few times each week. Then building up gradually to stopping outside it, then getting out of the car to walk round the outside of the school and then (if it's possible at the moment) actually going into the school to meet with the SENCO and look round after school. Then another visit and meet another member of staff etc.

I did that with my son when he went to secondary school and it worked well. I felt I needed to get him used to the idea gradually as he was the only one in his primary school not going to the local secondary school (he wouldn't have lasted 5 minutes there) and it was a really big thing going somewhere new where he didn't know anyone.

Ellie. He just says it was awful. He was undiagnosed and I think there was a huge amount of pushing and shoving. Unbelievably the school used to turn a blind eye to the older boys pushing and hurting the new year 7s. Ds came home with a bruise his first week after being pushed through the corridor, that was just part of being a new boy, school ignored it. He hated finding the rooms, sorting homework, remembering things, the noise etc. His brother was in gcse year at the time and I was trying to support him and I know I didn't give Ds enough of my time. There were so many meltdowns at home. A really nasty PE teacher also made fun of him and encouraged the whole class to laugh at him, that didn't help when he was already being picked on. Somebody broke his favourite headphones when they threw his bag out of a top floor window. He remembers all of it like it was yesterday. Even this year I had to complain about a teacher telling him he wouldn't last 5 mins at the new school.

I think he's just scared and apprehensive of what might happen at a new school.

Boys in his year group have also told him that pupils get stabbed at the new school. Ds believes some of the things that they tell him.

Expletive I've not had any contact with the Senco at the alternative school yet. I know she's leaving but I presume she is there until the end of term. The head of sixth form is good so I'm crossing my fingers that she can help and if she can't then hopefully the Senco can.

Prospective school offer vocational as well as A Levels, present school only offer A levels.

The plan is for him to do A levels (we picked this as he was refusing to do anything) but we do have a few concerns because Ds finds it difficult to organise and plan and A levels require much more independent study.

I don't want him to go back to the present school, even if he won't consider the alternative.

Punx, how has he been in himself at home?

Is he managing to unwind a bit yet without having to face the daily onslaught of vileness and bullying that he endured for all those years,(and thinks that's normal and how school life is everywhere) or does he need a year out to chill and regain some self-esteem and find out life can be so much better with all of that removed.

Is Interhigh an option for him? I've seen parents on these boards recommend it when their kids have been unable to attend mainstream.

interhigh.co.uk/

This is from their FAQ "My child is dyslexic/ADHA what support do you offer?"

"InterHigh offers a different way of learning to the traditional physical school, the online environment provided has large benefits for a learner with special educational needs. Students accessing their lessons from home, in an environment they are comfortable in and can control. We also provide firm and consistent boundaries for students who require this approach. There is no negative behaviour to interact with in an InterHigh classroom and any behaviour from the student does not impact on other learners or cause disciplinary issues for the student. The teacher can restrict student access to general chat, private chat, microphone access and indeed the classroom itself. Students are aware of these controls and therefore respond to these firm boundaries. The teacher can set questions via a Q&A pod with only the teacher seeing the responses and therefore students are not anxious in answering questions or giving opinions. InterHigh do currently offer support classes for English, Maths and Science at KS3 and 4 but these are drop-in sessions to help with current classwork and homework issues rather than special educational needs classes. InterHigh already has students with Educational Health Care Plans (EHCP’s) and Statements of Special Educational Needs (Wales) placed with us with funding provided by the Local Authority."

Blank he's okay when he's in his room and feels secure. He's still anxious about going out though and is struggling to engage with us. He really believes that all schools are like his. I've talked to him about this lots of times and explained that he should not have had to put up with the things he did and he did not get the support he needed. Dh and I won't force him back to education in September if it's too much but we probably need to think about what happens if that is the case.

I've never looked at interhigh. He does not like studying at home so that would be something to think about. I would need to look at the financial aspect too but always good to think about different options.

I've nearly withdrawn him from school 3 times now. In year 4, year 6 and also year 10. I think that's why I'm so keen to get this last two years of school/sixth form right. I'm still really hoping that the prospective school get back to us this week and are able to offer some kind of transition.

He really believes that all schools are like his
Unfortunately, many are.

But what's worse is that in his head, he'll be expecting any school to be as dire as that one was, so he'll be in a very poor place mentally, no matter what physical school or FE college you suggest.

Imagine believing that as soon as schools are open again, you will be forced to go somewhere where you are treated so appallingly and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it..

How about literally de-schooling him, let him have a full year at home no school but so he can learn lifeskills and find whatever makes him happy. Then when he's mentally much more improved, decide whether he would want to pursue qualifications at a real school or Interhigh or choose some other life.

I've heard of that approach, some people have mentioned it on here but most recommend FB groups. I don't have social media, but I'm sure if you look around, you may find some in your area.

He needs to understand that the future is a place full of all sorts of possibilities and options, but they do not ALL involve him being bullied and/or treated badly.

Blank I am completely open to him not going back to education in September. I had not really discussed it much with Dh though, but he actually brought it up himself in conversation today. My only concern is Ds just getting lost out of education with absolutely no help at all.

Dh asked me if Ds could do A levels at home. I explained about interhigh but it looks like it's £4k+ for 3 A levels. Unfortunately I don't think it's something we could commit to financially at the moment. Dh is being made redundant at the end of the year too.

Present school have finally stopped contact with him. He was getting a weekly email from a TA, more of a box ticking exercise from the government than anything else. I think they consider they no longer have a duty of care. Although care is not a word I would really associate with them.

Not had a reply to our email from prospective school.

Him being at home in September maybe our only option.

@Punxsutawney Another possibility is the Open University, if online school isn't an option. Capable 16 year olds will manage first year courses (they are designed to ease people back into study) and the OU is brilliant at looking after people with SENs. I've taught for them in the past and the modules are very structured - there will be certain things that need to be ticked off every week. This might help provide the support and structure he needs. I don't know how the finances work in England, but OU degrees are free in Scotland. Any questions, just shout - I've found my people here. I have a 15 year dd with a diagnosis of Aspergers (who must be one of the last people not to be diagnosed with ASD). So much of what I have read on this thread resonates, but we've had things a bit easier as she has been home educated from the start.

I think it may well be too. Have you ever posted in the Home Ed topic? It's not one I frequent so I'm not sure if there are other posters in a similar position but there might well be. There is no reason he can't take a gap year from school and work on mental health, life skills etc. It would also give you time to go down the EHCP route - this can open doors to things like internships as well as support in a school or college. I think over the next few years there will be a lot of students choosing or needing an extra year somewhere due to disruption from the pandemic.

OU isn't free in England, same tuition fees as other universities but I do agree about how good it is, I studied several modules a few years ago in subjects I hadn't done at A or O level and got on well.

qwerty always interested to hear different suggestions. Dh actually asked me about Open University yesterday and I didn't really have much idea. Lots of things to think about.

Expletive I've never looked at the home Ed topic, so will have a read.

Still nothing from prospective school. We probably need to chase it up but we haven't even had any general information from them about him potentially starting in September. We don't want to be negative but it doesn't bode well. We wanted a more inclusive environment for him that were more understanding and that we didn't have to constantly chase for support.... At the moment it's not really feeling like it will be the right place.

We need to have a look at what we could do to support him if he didn't go back to education. I've not discussed anything with Ds yet. He tends to get a bit upset when I talk about school or anything associated with it. Dh and I are going to think about things over the next few days and look through EHCP information and advice.

Did you actually get an acknowledgement of your application when you applied for a place at the prospective school Punx?

Ellie he has an conditional place. I know they have offered internal students unconditional offers. We are a little disappointed that they have made no contact even with general information and also not acknowledged that he may need extra help to transition. I know when a child has additional needs trying to get them support never comes easy, maybe our expectations were a little high. Will try and contact again.

Present school emailed him today out of the blue to invite him in to meet with TA and familiarise himself with the school again. Ds has not seen the email but I was cc'd in so have read it. Dh and I have already had a quick conversation this afternoon agreeing that we would be letting him down if he returns there in September.

I feel that we need to start talking to Ds about all of this but I'm not sure where to start.

I'm not sure where to start

Reply to the email with a 'No thanks, we have other plans' but don't de-register him YET. I can't remember why but do ask on the homeschooling board, it does make a big difference for some very important aspect of it.

Research ALL of his options, tell him that vile place is toast, then let him know about ALL the possibilities he can have, like other types of 6th forms within independent travelling distance, apprenticeships, internships, Interhigh and OU and don't forget a gap year for him to recover his self-esteem which I personally think would be a good thing for him right now, a whole year with no pressure to do anything except learn how to live independently, manage a household budget, a bank account, how to cook and clean, how to garden, all the things kids need to know but no-one seems to put any importance on. Make those tasks as fun and as interesting to do as you can.

Show him where all those possibilities could lead.

Show him there are many choices and many paths to different careers and above all else show him that getting a choice wrong along the way is NOT the end of the world, there's always a way to achieve a goal. Change is scary, but it's just about the only constant in life.

But first IMO he needs to be as settled in himself as he can be, in a warm secure environment so he can find some way to reduce his anxiety and learn to accept his differences because they won't be mocked or pointed out or ridiculed. Then he can achieve things and his self-esteem will grow.

We had a reply this morning from the head of the prospective sixth form. They are not able to offer any kind of enhanced transition to new year 12s (presumably even those with SEN). They said this is government regulations and I think the new year 7s are the priority. So Ds can't visit the school before the end of term. They have offered a visit at the end of an inset day at the start of September (probably the day before he is meant to start) but he will have been out of school for sixth months by then so a new environment will be even more daunting. We replied by asking for the contact details of the Senco. I'm not sure if they will be able to offer anything else.

Ds became a little upset when we tried talking about things this morning. We are going to have our work cut out trying to convince our rigid boy that he has more options and opportunities than returning to his awful school.

I think you need to make the decision for him and tell him he is not going back to that God forsaken awful school and keep telling him until he has got it into his head that he is not going back there.

I think you also need to go back to the prospective school and tell them DS is covered by the Equality Act and they need to make reasonable adjustments for him and arrange some sort of transition, whatever the government says. As far as I know, there have been no changes made to the Equality Act.

There's a phrase well-used on the Relationships board that's something like 'when someone tells you who they are, then you should listen' I think that should also apply to schools. The prospective new school are telling you loud and clear they can't accommodate his needs.

Why do you think contacting the SENCO could make any difference when the new school arem patently not interested in accommodating your son?

Ds became a little upset when we tried talking about things this morning

Why did he get upset? Look at the way you're communicating with him and change it to non-confrontational and encouraging.

We are going to have our work cut out trying to convince our rigid boy that he has more options and opportunities than returning to his awful school

The options and opportunities have always been there about attending that awful school.

It's the same with all life situations, from the simplest to the most complicated, there are more often than not several ways to achieve a goal and some limitations depending on different abilities.

Set him some fun ones so he starts thinking about options.

e.g. You need a pint of milk, what are all the possible ways you could achieve that?

Walk to the corner shop - all mobile family members can do that.
Drive to the corner shop - only family members with vehicles and a driving licence can do that.
Taxi to the corner shop - only family members who can afford a taxi can do that
Ring up a milkman to have milk delivered - only family members with telephone skills can do that
Order click and collect at the nearest supermarket - you get the idea.
Even something as simple as getting a pint of milk has a load of options on how that can be achieved. He's never going to pick the idea of options up by osmosis, he needs to be shown. Repeatedly.

Thunderstorm approaching, better switch the computer off !

Yes, this is good in some ways, they are making it fairly clear up front they won't support him. Better to find out now than after he starts, hard though it is.

This happened with my DD, we went to an open day for y7, independent school, good reputation for supporting dyslexia, perfect for her in many ways, I was wowed by it. But when I submitter her dyslexia assessment to them they said "please don't apply". I was really shocked and upset but from everything I've heard about that school and SEN support since, we dodged a bullet there. SO glad we didn't pursue it.

It's interesting as the prospective school actually have an ASD base for years 7 - 11. So they should be pretty clued up on understanding and accommodating autistic young people. They were also great with helping Ds's older brother with his dyslexia (so much so that we never asked for intervention, they just got on and did it). I have to say we had been cautiously optimistic and hopeful of better things
It does seem to us that having an additional need like autism and no EHCP means that schools can pretty much refuse to do anything. Although like you say Ellie reasonable adjustments should be made.

Will be starting the paperwork for the needs assessment this weekend.

Hope the thunderstorm isn't too bad Blank!

Expletive that's awful that they said please don't apply. Glad you made the decision to look elsewhere.

We do have a specialist sixth form college in our town for young people with aspergers and what the website describes as HFA. Not something possible for this September but I think it could be worth us looking into it and getting some more information.

It was a few years ago now, but yes, shocking.

The specialist 6th form college sounds promising, definitely worth looking into. Sometimes there needs to be a compromise on subject choices with specialist provision, this is the case for some of the students at my son's school but that might be a compromise worth making. Do you have any local autism/SN support groups? I'm in a FB group and it is useful for these getting info about local settings.

Expletive the specialist sixth form was actually suggested by a couple of the volunteer staff (all professionals working within SEN in their day jobs) at the youth group that Ds attended for a while. They were a really great group with supportive staff but in the end Ds started refusing to go. Not sure if it was anxiety but he was close to meltdown most weeks. I tried anything and everything to get him to attend, I met with the staff outside of the group and they had an action plan to try and work with him there. He just couldn't cope. Such a shame I really think they could of helped.

Pre lockdown we did attend a monthly parents group, which was useful. Both Dh and I found it very helpful taking to other parents. I'm not actually on Facebook so I probably miss out on a few things. I am a member of the local parent carer forum so I do get regular emails from them.

I think the specialist sixth form offers vocational and gcses on campus and for those students wanting to do btecs, A Levels or similar it would mean travelling elsewhere.

Punx that specialist sixth form sounds infinitely more suitable than the shit school he's been in.

Punx you kindly replied to my posts in the past . My DS was diagnosed privately at 15 after many horrendous years. He was in mainstream until 13 and we moved him to a specialist independent via his EHCP it has been life changing for him to be taught by specialist teachers. We do have problems Covid (he has been home since March) has triggered him hugely and we have gone backwards in many areas but I'm safe in the knowledge specialist sixth form for a levels is the only way. Mainstream nearly finished him and us.

My youngest DS has is now in the process of assessment he's in mainstream right now but I will try to move him via his EHCP at some point.

I wish you all the very best to be diagnosed so late is so hard for the whole family I'm educating myself quickly but I wish I had known sooner.

Ellie it certainly does.

jamie it's good to hear your Ds has made really positive progress in a specialist environment. I hope going back post lockdown won't be too difficult. Good luck with your youngest's assessment.
A late diagnosis is tough, sorry you struggled too. The teenage years are hard enough without all this on top.

Well we have had a slightly more positive response from the Senco at the prospective school. Although there is not really anything that can be offered pre September so if I can't actually get him there it's all just pie in the sky anyway.

She has said that a meeting with us can be arranged early in September and that the inclusion team will be able to work with him regarding his diagnosis and anxiety including weekly support. Although it will be very much based on if Ds wants the help rather than us saying he needs it. So if he just masks and says everything is fine then we are could be in a similar situation but at least he wouldn't be in that awful place anymore. He's so scared of looking different and being laughed at that he hates any intervention at the moment.

I think that's what is concerning me the most now he is 16. If he won't engage, can we do anything about it because in school it's his choice and out of school he needs to give consent?

I have requested a telephone appointment with the paediatrician that diagnosed him last year, although she's on annual leave for the next two weeks but hopefully she will agree to talk on the phone. I explained to her secretary that Ds is struggling having had zero post diagnosis support.

I've also started on the needs assessment request and have made copies of the documentation required. Again the issue of consent is there, if they did agree to assess could Ds just say no?

We are still open to him not going back to sixth form in September so there will be no pressure from us if he feels he can't return to education at the moment. Dh and I have also discussed the specialist sixth form but without an EHCP it's not an option this year.