Rant

[whoopsivechangedagain]

Hi,

I just had a really bad day with my 19 year old son yesterday. He has a cluster of anxiety disorders and undiagnosed ASC (referred for assessment but he does not wish to pursue diagnosis).

For years he has been using the gym as a way of controlling his health anxiety and, perhaps due to the closure of gyms and the disruption to his routine, he mental health has taken a turn for the worst.

He has started binge eating and vomiting on an almost daily basis and his anxiety levels have rocketed. Yesterday, he started the behaviour early and ended up smashing the clock and his phone, threatening to cut himself, pinning me to the wall, lying on the floor and crying like a small child. He hates what he is doing to himself because the behaviour means he is too weak to work out at home, but he is sure he is gaining weight and this seems to be something he fears.

I am working from home (I normally work from home), so I was on hand to comfort him. However, he will not accept professional help. I have contacted BEAT, but they have not got back to me. I rang the GP for advice for myself (because he will not see professionals), but they never rang back.

On the plus side, he managed to go out for a walk with me at 6 pm and seemed much more positive, but I do not know what to do if this happens again.

I suppose this is just a rant, but there was no help available for either of us, yesterday and I am just resorting to the damage limitation strategies I used when my eldest son was at home (he is now in residential care due to autism and psychosis) - hiding knives, staying calm, trying to find positive things for my son to work towards and ranting on forums.

his - not he.

I'm so sorry to hear what you are both having to deal with.

Would buying an accurate set of weighing scales help at all? I'm thinking at least that way he'd know what his weight was once a day as part of a routine so all conditions were the same before he weighed himself, rather than him guessing and those guesses triggering anxieties.

Thank you. He had a much better day yesterday. He ate healthily, did his steps in the morning, trained on weights at home in the afternoon, went for a bike ride and did some more steps with me in the evening.

I just wish I knew how to move things forward for him. He was referred for assessment for autism when he was 16, after two years of 'school refusal' due to anxiety, but he declined the formal assessment. He has also refused any help for his anxiety disorders (diagnosed with GAD when he was 14).

He has no employment, refuses to claim benefits and is engaged in no educational or training opportunities, so his obsessions are probably more deeply seated than they would be if he had other activities in his life that gave him a sense of self esteem.

However, he does acknowledge that routine is essential for the maintenance of his mental health and yesterday saw a return to the programme of exercise that has added some sort of control to his life for the past two or three years.

I want him to think about his future and I know there are online courses e.g. the Access modules with the Open University, that, with support, he could complete and gain some academic qualifications. Yet, I do not want to put too much pressure on him if he is not yet ready.

He has talked about becoming a personal trainer, but he is aware that this would involve working with clients and, at the moment, he avoids people because he fears 'contamination' (this fear has escalated due to the current pandemic).

One thing that has helped his brother, is realising that having a disability/mental ill health does not mean his life is on hold and he can move forward, despite any issues he has. So, I think I am hoping that he will reach the point where he can try to engage a little in other activities despite his issues.

I feel sure this realisation will come in time. He is 19, but he does not have the social and emotional maturity of a young adult.

Anyway, thank you so much for the support. I hope he has another good day today.

I don’t really have any useful advice for you, but I just wanted to say that you sound like such a lovely mum! My sister (who’s 30 now) also has asd and anxiety. She left school with no qualifications and was incredibly immature but during her early 20s did complete some qualifications and a few years later ended up going to uni (with a lot of support) and now is in a great job. I think that late teens are an extremely difficult time for those with asd- hopefully as he gets into his early twenties he’ll develop in confidence and realise that his difficulties do not define him and that he can absolutely achieve his goals and that it’s definitely not too late. I really hope things do get easier for you both

Thank you so much for the message Yesnomaybee, It is my hope too that, with support and encouragement now, he will be able to realise his true potential in a few years time. I have the same confidence for my eldest son too.

Thank you again for the support.