It’s amazing how similar our experiences are! It’s great that your DS is happy to take the meds. When my DS took them it was like flipping a switch. He could sit and revise and he’d remember what he’d read. He even read a novel for pleasure, which hadn’t happened for years. He says that the meds give him headaches and make him feel ‘not himself’. I think there is a lot of not wanting to be different too. He has a uni place to study art & design next year and he needs just one C to secure it. He’s a bright kid, I know he could do better, but he’s aiming for that one C. I hope that as he matures he’ll come to terms with the ADD and learn to manage it with or without meds.
On the flipside, DH is so ready for the meds. He had the final cardio check last week so hopefully he can start trialing soon. Of course, he has to make the appointment first. 
I do keep telling him it might not be totally life changing. Hopefully it will help but I think he has that film Limitless in his head. 
We have a big whiteboard in the kitchen! It’s interesting that we’ve both found ways to manage the challenges. DH has a post-it on the fridge with his list of things. That way I can change the colour of the post it every week. I found that DH became blind to it quite quickly and doesn’t check the whiteboard. Changing the colour regularly helps. I think DH’s ADHD is much worse than DS’.
Forms and appointments are a nightmare! They have no sense of deadlines or how to prioritise responsibilities. I try to set boundaries and not take it all on but it’s hard. I remember DH saying once ‘It would be so much easier if you just did it.’ And that pretty much sums up his approach. I do set boundaries but I’m constantly defending them. Sometimes I think it would be easier if I just did everything too.
We have DD 14. I’ve worried many times that if something happened to me she would get put into the role of carer/manager. I’ve even talked to her about how it’s not her responsibility.
I think my biggest challenge now is that I want things to change. I’ve been a SAHM for a very long time but I want something for me. I’ve started a post grad degree that I hope will lead to a new career. I’ve learned that with the change I will have to sacrifice certain things, like a tidy house, because no one else is able/willing to step up and help. But, if I keep doing it all I become resentful.
I’ve been taking baby steps for the last few years. I asked DH to manage his relationship with his parents. They’re difficult and were always coming to me to try to access him. His response was to cut them off. Not ideal but I’ve just made myself let go of that responsibility. We hardly ever saw them so it’s been fine.
I also told DS that he needed to tidy his own room. It’s a tip most of the time but he does tidy it eventually. I just don’t go in there.
Since DH’s diagnosis he’s more accepting when I remind him to do something. For years he would just flare up into anger, which I understand is common with ADHD. He does see a counselor and I think that helps.
As for keeping the wheels on, I’m not sure I always do. I’m trying very hard to take a step back but it does mean that some things just don’t happen. For example, DS’ uni applications. I made him a chart with the deadlines and reminded him when they were getting close but I left it to him to complete the applications. He managed one which could be completed online. Thankfully he was offered a place. It was painful for me when a deadline would pass and he wouldn’t have applied but I know he’s got to start taking on these responsibilities for himself. He seems delighted with the result so it seems to have worked out.
I do worry about the future. I’ve never wanted to be one of those women who refers to her husband like he’s one of her children, but it does feel like that sometimes. I’ve spent a lifetime taking care of people and I’d like to think there will be a time when I can focus on myself but I know it’ll be a fight to carve out that space. God, I feel exhausted just thinking about it.