Social communications disorders in children

[ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs]

We've been having some issues with our 12 year old ds. It's come to light from various events at school that he doesn't seem to understand some social norms. This has floored me as I have 2 older dds who seem so mature and sorted. Ds is outgoing, talkative, makes friends easily....But then those friends stop being friends with him and he doesn't know (or even seen to question) why. He just accepts that "X doesn't like me any more" He chats to his teachers like they are his friends and seems to touch and talk to people inappropriately. The school are going to have him evaluated by the educational psychologist, but I was wondering if anyone else here has any experience of this? I want to help/ support him, but I'm at a loss. We tell him off and punish him for things but it doesn't seem to have any effect, he takes the punishment but does the same again and again (filthy room, not wearing boxers, silly things) Anyone else had experience of this? If be so grateful for any advice

It is pretty common for people with autism to struggle with social communication. No point in telling him off for it - he doesn't "get it". You, and the school need to find ways of explaining social situations to him.
Have a look at social stories - they might help.
People who do not pick this up 'naturally' need to be taught, in the same way that some children can just catch a ball and other have to be taught how to catch. You wouldn't tell them off / punish them for not doing something they haven't yet learned how to do.

An educational psychologist can't diagnose autism you need a specialist paediatrician. My DS has two EP reports one by a clinical psychologist and none thought he was autistic and he is. He makes friends easily, chatty, does well at school but not a genius, but has other autistic traits but they are quite hidden. You need to start the diagnosis process if you can pay for private please do so as it will only take 1-3 months rather than 12-18 months in the NHS. My DS is more in the OCD side so is very clean and orderly however, many autistic kids struggle to have showers and keep clean. Telling him off won't help at all, you need to understand him. Good luck.

Thank you for your responses. I feel bad that we have been telling him off but I've really only just clicked that there might be something else going on. The school said they hope to find ways to help him, and they mentioned social stories. I don't really care if he is diagnosed autistic or not, as long as we can help.
He has sometimes got in trouble at school for silly things, but last week was a catalogue of things, all of which he explains as something else, but all of which involve inappropriate behaviour/ language.
It breaks my heart that so many of his friends seem to no longer like him. He doesn't seem to care. People have been calling him horrible names after the last incident which he finds "annoying" but not upsetting. I feel like we need to help him or he will never be able to maintain a job or relationship, and will poss end up with a criminal record! Success stories would be great!

You've had great advice already

You are probably still coming to terms with what your son does and doesn't understand. Take your time with that and learn to know his differences so you can help explain things to him when he misunderstands. Use very simple language, no hints, no body language, no meaningful looks.

Start from the point of view that he knows absolutely nothing about social interaction and take it from there. Watch your own language carefully when you interact with him, do you speak without inference?
e.g. "Your room needs cleaning" said to an NT child would elicit the thought oh dear I'd better get on and do that.
"Your room needs cleaning" said to someone with social communication difficulties who doesn't comprehend any type of inference is understood as just a flat statement like 'the sun is shining' or 'grass is green'
Don't punish him for things like that, he can't help it. He really does not understand.

Definitely pursue a diagnosis by a team of professionals usually Paed, SLT, Ed Psych and OT.

Diagnostic process is outlined here. www.autism.org.uk/about/diagnosis/children.aspx
NHS waitlist depends on your location, 18 months to 2 years from referral is common.

He may only have social communication disorder or he may have other diagnoses too. What is vitally important is to have him assessed by a multi-disciplinary team so they can identify his needs, clearly explain them to you and give you and school a list of strategies to use to help him navigate the world and his place in it.

Bear in mind that things which you've thought were just his idiosyncrasies could well be pointers to a specific condition, so get your thinking cap on and make a list of how he is different to his peers across the board. This info will help at his assessments.

What is he like at following instructions?

Is he immature? Many kids with AN are emotionally about two thirds of their chronological age.

Does he have any sensory issues? www.falkirk.gov.uk/services/social-care/disabilities/docs/young-people/Making%20Sense%20of%20Sensory%20Behaviour.pdf?

What is his co-ordination like? Does he do well at team sports like footy or is he better at individual attainment like swimming or horse-riding?

How does he manage to organise himself for his time at school, right books for right lessons, finding the right classroom etc.

How is he at home, can he plan and arrange a task you give him or is he all at sea and doesn't know where to start?

Success stories would be great!
The boy that you are seeing struggling now will change a lot as he grows up. The more his needs are identified now and the more interventions and coping strategies he's given now - mostly by you - so he can learn how to understand other peoples' behaviour will determine how his future pans out. You're already on the ball and willing to help, so his future has a good start!

Read as much as you can about autism and social communication, find what works for him. I used TV soaps for social communication "lessons" with dd as she was interested in them to start with. Does your son have a favourite TV programme or is he into Harry Potter or Star Wars or anything with a story where you can watch a bit of it together and get him to explain why the characters are behaving as they are as he perceives it, then you can explain anything he's missed like the nuances, tone of voice, simple body language etc.
Do monitor his social media constantly because if he interprets things literally there could be vast misunderstandings. Guide him carefully, it's a minefield for teens anyway, it can be doubly so for the ones who have communication difficulties.

Thank you blank times, that's all really helpful. We sat down as a family and tried to work out what he does and doesn't understand, which has been a bit of a "lightbulb" moment for us all!
I'm happy to go private if people think it is necessary to get a diagnosis. He does have lots of idiosyncrasies that we just thought were "him". I feel a bit guilty that I haven't been more on the ball. Re tasks, if we ask him to clean his room he does some things then says it's done, but when we go up to look there can be wrappers etc lying about that he hasn't "seen". He doesn't really do much sport, he has tried various things but nothing really stuck. He is obsessive with his computer games, which we try to limit as best we can. He's recently shown an interest in cooking, so I'm trying to involve him in that. TV wise he tends to like more fantastical things e.g.superheroes, Stranger Things. He laughs easily and finds memes etc very funny.
I'm hoping he's young enough that we can help him cope better. The more I read, the more I see he ticks lots of boxes.
Really appreciate all responses. I'm meeting with his head of year tomorrow, so it helps to have as much info as I can going into that meeting. The school also seem keen to help. They describe him as a polite well behaved boy who seems to get cues wrong, so that's encouraging.