Worried about my friend

[Zaphodsotherhead]

She's a widow with one son, ASD. He's 25. Doesn't work, can drive but can't socialise. He used to do volunteer gardening work but has had to drop that.

He follows her around the house all day, talking at her about his obsessions/fixations and she never gets a moment to herself. She's getting very depressed about his lack of options and his constant presence. I've suggested she go to the doctor on her own behalf and tell them she can't cope any more, to see if something can be done to give her a break. Her son can cope left alone for a week or so, but does no housework, doesn't understand paying bills or any day to day stuff.

How do I help her? How can I support her? Her son isn't proactive and waits for her to solve his problems, but when the problem actually IS him, she has no idea what to do, and I worry that she can't keep coping with him.

The first step would be to contact Social Services.

What will social services do, though? He's being cared for, they don't want to spend money on providing help to someone they perceive as not needing any.

Adult services out here in the sticks are woeful at the best of times.

She needs to tell SS she as the end of her tether and she wants to know what options are available for her son to enable her to get a break, and also to enable him to learn independent living skills foe when she's no longer around.

Thanks for the explanation. I really don't think she'll ever contact SS (she'd immediately see it as some kind of failure). I can't even get her to go to the doctor and explain the effect it's having on her (although I keep trying, and it's my response every time she mentions him).

She's over sixty and worrying a little about what will happen when she's gone, I think. But she's doing herself no favours by keeping him 'protected' from the realities of life (he passed his driving test and I think is capable of a lot more than she thinks he is). I'll mention approaching Social services, but I think I know what the reply will be...

The thing is she's not doing him or herself any favours here. What would happen if she was suddenly taken ill or had an accident and had to go into hospital?

He needs to do things for himself now while he's young.I'm sure if he can drive that he is perfectly capable of fending for himself but he needs to be trained how to do these things. SS need to become involved.

You could always contact them yourself and have a chat to find out what's available.

If she was taken ill everything would carry on as normal. He'd sit in the house doing nothing, the bills would go out of her account, and he'd visit her to tell her she had to get up now because he wanted to go for a walk on the moors. She dances to his tune because it's easier than trying to get him to adjust to a new way of doing things.

But he's now reached an age (and so has she, I suppose) where she wants to start doing her own thing without having to always do what he wants (all day walks, leaving her to pack the picnic and clean all the gear aftewards) but she won't just down tools and tell him to shape up.

What I think would help is a third party coming in to 'help' him negotiate real life and intercede on his mum's behalf. To guide him into how to live in the world. He has no friends and talks to no one but his mother at present.

Would SS be able to provide such a service?

I don't think they actually provide the service themselves but certainly they could direct you to organisations that do that sort of thing.

Does he claim benefits? If he is unable to work he could claim ESA and possibly PIP.

He claims all benefits, and she gets carers allowance for him too.

He really is unable to work, unless totally supervised on a 1:1 basis, although he can be left doing basic gardening work. He can't work as part of a team or deal with the public, which restrict even the voluntary sector he can work in.