Threatening to send dd to live with her dad

[Lovemusic33]

I have posted before about dd (13), she has high functioning autism though her autism is quite severe she’s classed as HFA because of her academic ability, she also has SPD and possibly PDA.

She steels things all the time, from me, from her sister, from peoples houses and has even pinched from a gift shop (whilst on school trip). I have tried so many things, she doesn’t respond to punishment, she doesn’t respond to rewards for good behaviour. I have tried things that were suggested in here such as getting her a mini fridge for her room so she can have her own food (she cut the lead and filled the fridge with shower gel and shampoo), labelling bathroom items so she has her own to do what she wants with (she still took other items and mixed them up in her room or the sink). Over the past few days she has stollen from my purse, emptied a bottle of expensive perfume into her Lego tub along with a bottle of nail polish remover which she stole from my bedroom after breaking in (it’s usually locked), stole a whole tin of baked beans and emptied it in her room, stole a marble run from school which she’s refusing to return (it’s been in her school bag all week and I remind her every day to take it back), pinched a whole bag of pens and pencils from school and today she raided the bathroom again emptying shampoo and shower gel everywhere.

I try and keep as many doors locked as I can, I have a lockable medicine cabinet which she has destroyed and I keep my bedroom locked. I can’t keep the bathroom locked as she needs access to the loo and sanitary products as does her older sister. The kitchen is locked but she will sneak in when I’m washing up or if her sister is making a drink and grab whatever she can lay her hands on.

She doesn’t respond to punishment, she doesn’t respond to rewards so I’m at a loss.

I have got to the point where I have told her she has to go and live with her dad if she can’t stop pinching things and today I have told her I have sent him a message to say she’s going to have to live with him. I feel mean but I don’t know what else to try . The dd’s Don’t really have a great relationship with their dad, he does nothing to support them other than take them to McDonald’s once a week. I know he wouldn’t have her live with him and I wouldn’t trust him to keep her safe but I don’t know what else to try.

I have messaged her dad so I haven’t lied to her, I know what his response will be and I know he will just laugh at dd’s Behaviour so I’m not even sure why I bothered.

But surely there is a difference between accessing family food and toiletries and “stealing”? Do you not have any communal items in your household? Why is it that shampoo and nail polish remover and a tin of beans are your personal property and not just stuff anyone in the family can use?
Autistic people are very literal and don’t understand gray areas. It seems you’ve confused her by calling it stealing to use your shampoo or take a tin of beans from your kitchen and so of course, she is thinking that taking pens and pencils from school or things from other homes is essentially the same “pinching” as using her sisters perfume without asking. Locking your bedroom and the kitchen only further confuses things.
I’d honestly try and get some therapy from a trained counsellor to de-escalate things, get across to her what is actually stealing and what is not stealing.

What is behind these behaviours? She's acting out because of something, and that's what needs to be addressed.

Having autism may well exacerbate her behaviour and make her react when others would not, but there's something more going on here.

Do you have any input from CAMHS? If not can you afford to seek help privately?

Ragg they have never been items she can have access too, we have tried believe me. If she has access to these items she doesn’t use them appropriately, she smears stuff across her bedroom walls, her carpet has been ruined several times. If your are suggesting I leave doors unlocked then I think it’s a crazy idea, we have obviously tried many times and it has ended in her being in danger, she will eat non edibles, she has got hold of knives. A few days ago she tried to open a tin with the tin opener and cut her hand. The locks are to keep her safe. I don’t want to end up in trouble because my child has consumed shampoo, bleach or has cut herself badly with a knife, I have to protect her.

The behaviour seems to be worse at the end of the school term and the first week of school holidays but at other times I can’t see any trigger. She’s a pretty happy child most of the time.