I cant cope with my 12 year old DS (waiting for ASD diagnosis)

[Lockcodger]

I'm a lone parent to 3 DS and have been having significant problems with middle DS (13 next month) for several years, mainly with school avoidance (attendance 40%) and the fact that he cant do ANYTHING on his own without me constantly nagging. It really is driving me insane and because im not even sure about whether he has ASD or not, my patience is wearning thin and I have no support with him.

I initially thought he had ADHD (trouble sleeping, cant stay on task, lots of fidgeting and making weird noises all the time) however his recent CAHMS assessment excluded ADHD and he is now on ASD waiting list.

He doesnt present with many of the common symptoms of ASD and I dont know whether I should punish him for his behaviour or try to be more understanding.

Main issues are

1. Weeing all over the bathroom (and I mean huge puddles of piss everyday) and never cleans it up. I ask why he does it and he says it just happens when he starts to wee and he can't get it in the toilet. I've asked him to sit down wee but he wont do that either.
2. Trashing the house, food everywhere, packets thrown, knocks over full plates of rice etc and just steps over it, makes toast and leaves fridge open all day, clothes on the floor. He never tidies up unless I stand over him and tell him step by step what to do and even then he does it poorly (e.g. hoovering). Its exhausting as it takes me hours to clean whatever room hes been in and it's back to the same 1 hour later.
3. School avoidance. He rarely goes to school, often stays awake all night even if I take everything away (he often reverses his day and night). He doesnt have many friends and struggles academically despite being very intelligent in part due to dyslexia. I work long hours 7am-7pm and I cant be there to make sure he goes before I leave for work despite waking him up and bringing him his uniform.
4. No personal hygiene. Wont shower or brush his teeth unless I stand over him and repeat what hes supposed to be doing for each step (take clothes off, put them in the basket, turn the shower on, wash your hair, here's your towel, here's your PJ's). If I dont do that he wont shower.

He doesnt seem to care about any consequences and even if I remove his xbox and internet he just finds another way to entertain himself. It's like hes in his own world. He could sit for hours staring at his hands. The tantrums have become alot less frequent but he avoids doing anything I ask of him saying he forgot (even if I say put your shoes on he will 'forget' 30 seconds later)

I long for him to have some independence as I feel like I'm living with a two year old still and he starts his GCSE's next year. I cant quit my job to be with him 24/7 as it's our only income. He doesnt seem to care that I come home from work exhausted and have to clear up his mess and punish him for not going to school.

I'm really at my breaking point and fantasise about running away (I know this makes me a horrible mother). Not sure what support we can access without a diagnosis and he may not even have ASD anyway.

Everything is so so hard with him and I just cant cope anymore. Is this normal ASD stuff or is he just being naughty?

My son is 12 and asd, has similar traits, lives in cloud cuckoo land and mostly thinks only about his own needs. Leaves stuff everywhere, wet towels, clothes. Does a job like make food and leaves a mess behind for me to tidy, have to micromanage everything, tell him to get dressed, tell him what he needs to take to school or what homework needs doing. He does however seem to enjoy going to school but struggles socailly and is experiencing low level bullying as the other kids think he is odd. My son is obsessed with his i pad and sits unhealthily for hours playing games and stuff and won't out it down. My son always sits on the WC but never flushes and leaves disgusting messes behind
So to answer your question I would say that it is typical behaviour for an asd child.

Thanks for replying Vicki. I'm sorry your son is being bullied. We've experienced the same and it is so heartbreaking to watch your child being excluded by their peers. My son is also obsessed with his xbox and would spend days on there if allowed which increases his social isolation. He has one good friend at school which makes things abit easier for him but other children do think hes odd and his teachers have no patience with him at all so he spends most of his school days being sent out of class.

It's so hard waiting for a diagnosis as people keep telling me they dont think he's autistic (although it was CAHMS that referred him for a diagnosis) so then I start thinking these things are just laziness. His SENCO thinks he has PDA.

Have you found and strategies helpful in getting your son to me more considerate? If my son does have ASD I'll feel really guilty in how I'm managing him at the moment because It really feels like he is being deliberately lazy and defiant and I get so cross with him.

I feel so out of my depth with all of this and dont really know who to turn to

My son has elements of pda as well, I approach by trying to get him to think that things are his idea in the first place. A simple example is a choice for tea a couple of items he dislikes and lasagne. He will pick lasagne ever time but he feels in control. It has been hard but I have learned to parent the child I’ve got and not the one you think he should be.
I have had to fight so hard for. All his support, the diagnosis, the ehcp and the recently awarded direct hours so we get 3 hours of respite per week.

Where in the country are you.? Does your local authority help at all.

I'm lucky in that food isn't a real issue and he is quite easy going about stuff like that but I think it's because he doesnt seem to have any sensory problems. The hardest part is getting him to do stuff he hates doing but has to do (like school etc.). I've tried bribery with miney taking his xbox away etc. but stopped reward charts as I thought he wouldnt respond to that kind of thing now he is older. Maybe I should try that approach again with money as an incentive (he loves to buy xbox stuff and accessories).

I'm sorry it has been such a struggle for you to get support in place. I've always known he was different and when he was 7 he was seen by CAHMS who couldn't make a diagnosis and stuck me on the parenting course, which was slightly helpful but I was doing alot of it anyway. I feel like we have a long battle ahead of us and I'm worried about the diagnosis because if it isn't ASD then what is it? I cant face any more battles and referrals as I feel like we have been struggling to get support for years.

We live in West Yorkshire and get no support whatsoever. Its been a battle even to get school to acknowledge that there is likely more to his behaviour than bad parenting, being from a single parent home and him being naughty. What support can you access without a diagnosis? I've no idea how long he will be on the waiting list for and I really need help with him now before things deteriorate further.

I'm very new to the ASD 'world' as I wasnt even considering it as a potential diagnosis so it's a lot of information to try and take in and I dont have a clue what we are entitled to and what my options are.

Also I agree I should make more if an effort to parent the child I have Vs what I would expect for his age range.

I sound very negative about him but he does have some lovely attributes and is generally a lovely, funny, kind boy and I live him to bits. He just drives me nuts and I feel so overwhelmed with everyday life at the moment. How do you stop yourself from burning out?

We reached crisis point when he was 9 because he was so unhappy at school, he came home in a rage because he had been like a coke can been shaken all day. He threw stuff at me stones whatever he x
Could get his hands on, he trashed the house, swore at us etc. It was at this point I got his diagnosis and since then the new 2ndry s chool have been much better at meeting needs.
We are not that far from you on the south/west York’s boundary.

Our son is an only one so it must be so much harder for you b ing a single parent and having other kids as well. You can apply for dla based on care needs no diagnosis needed. We use ours to pay for a nanny so I can carry on working in the school holidays becuase he refuses to attend holiday club settings