Hygiene of DS at university

[doistayordoigo]

Hi, I am looking for some advice for my DS1 who is nearly 19, and the issues we are having with personal hygiene.

He has HFA and has been at uni for a year, just picked him up this weekend, and up until Easter we thought he was coping okay, but it became apparent when he came home then that he really wasn't coping well at all. He was home for a month and then only went back for 5 weeks for exams, but is now home until October, so I am hoping to try to address a few of the issues while we have a longer block of time.

In terms of the personal hygiene, he just doesn't seem to get that it is important, which is incredibly frustrating and obviously not very pleasant for those around him. I'm going to be specific, so apologies in advance!

• He often doesn't brush his teeth. This results in a gunky orange layer around the gumline of his top teeth. He refused to have a brace so this is made worse as his teeth are overcrowded.

• He doesn't have an issue with BO thankfully. He will use deodorant.

• His hair always looks unwashed and greasy. Even if he does wash it he doesn't comb it so it dries in clumps which just makes it look dirty again.

• He has an unruly beard - we did manage to trim it before he went back to uni last time but left to his own devices it will just grow and grow.

• He rarely cleans his ears, so they are full of dark brown wax most of the time.

• Worst of all, he has trouble keeping himself clean after using the toilet, so often smells of poo. When he returned from uni at Easter most of his pants were caked in it, and had been sitting dirty in a laundry basket with his other clothes. He then packed all of his clothes into his suitcase, so literally everything stank to high heaven. I had the great job of laundering this. TMI, but he has a very hairy bottom, and he says the poo gets stuck in it, so he just leaves it.

• He has to be reminded to cut his toenails, if not he just lets them grow so they end up looking like claws.

Having written that I am left feeling really sad and frightened for his future, as this one issue will affect his whole life if he can't get to grips with it. He already has no friends, but says he would like them, obviously no romantic relationships, and if he can't sort it out who is likely to employ him?

I need to find a way to help him with all of his problems, I feel I have let him down completely, but I think this is the area that needs addressing first as it will impact on all of the others. When I've tried to talk to him about it he will either agree with me (but nothing actually changes), or get angry as he's "having to have this conversation again, I've already told him, and me nagging will only make it worse, I need to just leave him alone".

I've asked if he cares that he smells and his reply is 'not really'. When he was home at Easter the state of the laundry obviously prompted conversation about the issue, and as a result I actually watched him shower, so I know he knows how to do it properly, he just chooses not to.

How do I get him to realise that this is something he needs to do and that choosing not to is not an option?

Anyone?

The only thing I could suggest is does he respond better to written plans of what to do? My son who is a couple of years younger often gets annoyed at me asking (nagging?) him to do things but if I write him a plan he'll do it.
Does he get any support set uni, if not could be get a mentor who could remind him to do his washing, nails, teeth etc.

Was thinking along the same lines as lennonj. My Ds is 14 and likes things written down. I use a whiteboard for his normal week. Would a checklist help your Ds know what the expectations are for each day? Would laminated instruction cards help?

Does he have much support at Uni? It sounds like he could do with a bit extra to help with the day to day living arrangements. It must be difficult to approach this with him though, I guess he needs to understand that even with his ASD he still has to make sure that he can maintain his personal hygiene otherwise it will have a negative impact on his life.

Thanks for replying. I suggested a laminated list a while ago but he said no. In terms of help at uni, he is supposed to have a person in disability services he can go to, but as he doesn't see it as a problem he won't approach them. I don't think they'll approach him as once they're at uni they're classed as adults...similarly the uni wouldn't be able to tell us anything.

When I reminded him last night to have a shower and tried to broach it again he said he knew there was a problem and that the shower in his flat at uni was rubbish which was why it had got so bad again. Which may be a reason for one of the issues but not all of them. I'll keep plugging away....

Hope you manage to make some progress. My Ds will also never approach anyone for support either. When he is asked at school if everything is ok he replies 'fine' even when things aren't. He is just about to start some mentoring sessions at school and I have told him he needs to be honest about what is going on. Incredibly frustrating at times.

Hopefully if you can get your Ds in a good routine over the summer break he will able to take that forward. He will maybe see the benefits of better hygiene and feeling clean and find a way to incorporate that in his days at uni. Sorry I've not got a lot of advice but good luck!

What accommodation is he in next year? Ensuite? If he is in halls again could he ask the accommodations office to find him one if personal shower is important. Would he use wet toilet wipes ? I can't imagine supervising a late teen showering though. Make sure he sees a dentist and hygienist over the summer, ideally twice for hygienist. Would he use an electric toothbrush? How is his diet generally?

Very interesting to read your post as this is something I worry about, my DS has ASD and is due to go to university in September.

My DS has really improved his personal hygiene partly due to his older brother bringing a few things to his attention, ie making sure he uses deodorant, cuts his fingernails and recently much to my surprise he managed to get him to cut his hair much shorter and into a style (rather than the inch he usually had removed). His brother seems to be much better at getting him to do this stuff than I am. I also think he is quite sensitive to smell, so he’d notice if he was smelly and he wouldn’t like it.

He doesn’t brush his teeth as much as I’d like and toenails are pretty manky, his bedroom is a mess with clothes all over the floor and it’s a struggle to get him to change his bedding.

I think having an electric toothbrush has helped, and agree that wet toilet wipes may be the way to go. Make sure he goes back to uni with a big supply of them.

DS is reluctant but I am trying to get him to apply for disability support as I think that these are the type of areas he will struggle, he will be fine with the coursework but I’m not convinced he will manage to keep himself or his room clean and tidy.

We’ve talked to him about how he looks, dresses etc but it really isn’t a priority to him and he doesn’t seem to care about what other poeple think, your DS may feel the same, so it’s hard to use that as a reason to make him change.

I know that they are considered to be adults and we as parents are not really invited to be involved, but I think I would be contacting the disability services and having a chat because these type of problems will be having an impact on him socially, especially if he and his room smells, he may have problems finding people to live with next year if he’s moving out of halls.

Hopefully they will put some strategies in to place to help him.

Thanks for the replies. He was in a university flat last year with 4 others, and initially they involved him with a few social things, but this tailed off pretty quickly - partly because he would never initiate anything and other people stopped asking him, and partly I suspect because he smelt and looked grubby.

Next year he will be in a house rental, which we helped him sort out few weeks ago. We picked a house with 5 rental rooms, 2 of which already had tenants lined up for next year, with 2 rooms left to fill. It has a communal kitchen/living room with big TV so I'm hoping he might gravitate towards sitting with his housemates to watch something if they are.

For those worrying about their kids going off to uni and not keeping their rooms presentable, the viewings we had of the student houses were an eyeopener! Obviously they all had current year students in them and the consistent level of squalor across all of them had made me stop worrying about how bad DS is in this regard in comparison!

Punxsutawney Yes, I am mighty fed up of the word "fine". It is his answer to everything.

LIZS We've bought some Andrex wipes today to try, although he has always said he doesn't like the wet sensation, but I'm hoping he will be willing to give it a try at least. I don't think he needs a personal shower, I suspect it was more that the one in the uni flat wasn't very powerful. Hopefully the house he is moving into next year will have a slightly better one, it is fairly recently renovated so fingers crossed. We always make sure he goes to the dentist twice a year including the hygienist, but are trying regular use of the disclosure tablets now he's home again so hopefully his brushing technique will improve. He already uses an electric toothbrush but it doesn't seem to make much difference, as half of the problem is that he forgets full stop. Diet is not great..at least he eats when he's at home, but at uni he appears to have been living on cheese and onion pies, crisps, fizzy pop etc.

itscoldoutthere The uni generally have been very supportive, but it's all down to whether he chooses to access what is available, which he won't. I'm going to try to gt him out and about a bit more while he's home, even if it's only doing things with extended family, as I think he might be more likely to pluck up the courage to join a club or something next year if he's to used to having things to do that aren't just sitting in his room! I'd also like to encourage him to get a summer job if possible, as it would be another reason for him to need to be cleaner.

I have many of the same problems with my DS.

He will brush his teeth but won't shower, or wash his hair. Toenails are awful and his ears - ugh.

It is worrying and I don't know what to do.

Sorry - just so you know you aren't alone with this.

Hi there, hopefully some of my experience will help you. I didn't understand hi Gene for a long time. You might have seen me posting a little bit on the problems I have had and do have with my teeth and how much it's affected my diet too. I never understood why it was important to look after my teeth until my early 20s when my teeth started having to be removed. Part of that is because I can't So I can't see my own teeth and I can't see other peoples teeth. So I never cared. And I didn't understand that once I had problems with my teeth, I wouldn't be able to eat some of the foods that I liked. I also didn't realize that when you have gum disease, you have to have an injection every time you go to the dentist, and you have to go three months and they do half of your mouth each time, so that's two appointments every three months. That for me would be a complete nightmare. I've become a dental advocate, and since I know so many dentists now in special care dentistry, they are all helping me in finding ways to get better at teeth brushing and remembering to do it. My sleep schedule is still so badly off that I fall asleep at different times every day, and having a regular routine is very hard for me.

Just last week, one of the dentists told me about curaprox which do a very soft manual toothbrush. I also have problems with my wrists, and when I'm brushing I make very jerky movements. So the regular toothbrushes were really hurting me and I couldn't get a good grip on them. I've used all sorts of things, and it's hard to find things that work. I do like this brush though. I also have learned to use a WaterPik. The WaterPik is very messy, and I sit on the floor and put a towel under it to use it. But that's what works. I also have another electric toothbrush. I put music, or a podcast, or something else on while I'm brushing my teeth since it helps.

A lot of encouragement has helped me, and the positive feedback has encouraged me to keep trying.

And another thing, sorry I'm thinking here. But it's a lot easier for me in The first few hours when I wake up than it is when I get very very tired or something might have gone wrong later in the day. So another thing I do, if I want to eat chocolate or something, I do it when I am very awake so I won't fall asleep and forget to brush my teeth after I've just been eating lots of sugar. I keep the healthy snacks for later on.

Does your son know how to wash his hair properly? I didn't until I was in my early 20s and my mother or my other relatives would wash it. Over the sink. We ended up doing it hand over hand until I learned to do it. Finding a good shampoo that doesn't burn my eyes and that works on my very fine hair was another thing we did.

One more thing, could you ask him if he notices other students bad breath? If he does, you could also say that if he doesn't brush his teeth, it will lead to bad breath. Does he like to eat burgers? Chicken? You could also say that he won't be able to eat these things if he doesn't have all of his teeth, or if he has problems with his teeth. Maybe try not eating the things he likes for a week, and that will help him to understand what will happen if he has problems with his teeth.

Another idea here, and this might go for any of you. But if you're older tenets at school still, or if they have a younger sibling, or a niece or nephew or something, somebody who looks up to them, maybe they could demonstrate good oral hygiene skills for their younger classmates, or whoever.

One of the things I really enjoyed now about being a dental advocate is that I can help dentists to understand their patience better, and last week one of my dentist friends used me as for example at a conference. So I made videos brushing my teeth, and explaining to everybody in Spanish why going to the dentist was so important and why oral hygiene is so important. So I got to use my languages as well, which of course I love.

Roseandrhubarb It's good to know I'm not alone, I just wish there was an answer!

Hellokittymania I's interesting to hear it from your point of view. I think he knows how to do things, as I've observed and he does it fine. I like the idea that he could use himself as a roe model, as my 4 year old nephew does look up to him, so that could be a good idea. At the moment, despite him not looking after them properly, his teeth and gums aren't causing him any pain or anything so he can;t imagine the point when they do...its's hard for him to visualise so warnings about what will happen fall on deaf ears!

Hello, I haven't gotten past the nearly twelve-year-old stage yet, but she has problems staying clean after poos as well. It's a problem which once upon a time included actual soiling herself, but that we thought had resolved. In the last two months there's been a slow increase in skiddy pants etc. Some have been a bit more than just skiddy. Her school are so supportive and are ready to give me advice and her support, for when she starts periods and when she hopefully advances to college or uni. I'm currently waiting for some advice because this week she's gained a girlfriend (the romantic sort) and I need reassurance about the implications on her emotional problems. But I do worry that when she's moving on, outside of secondary, that she will still smell. Her overall hygiene is atrocious. It sounds like your son doesn't want help or prompts but I've had to put up picture-and-word prompts for both my kids, with interchangeable weekly timetables too, so they know what is happening and remember what to do. I honestly don't think it would be a bad idea to stick a prompt in the bathroom. Provide wet wipes. He can wipe after with paper to dry himself. Also, using a guarded beard trimmer up his backside will remove some of the hair. I really do understand how hard it is having a child who smells of poo and stale clothes and unbrushed teeth (and awful BO in the case of my dd). I hope things improve soon.

Anarchshake I've considered the trimmer for his backside hair, but part of his autism is an aversion to the trimmers anyway...we've only recently been able to use the to trim his actual beard, and he still won't let our hairdresser (who's been cutting our hair since he was tiny) use them on his head.

He is generally much better when he's at home with us, as he knows we're monitoring it, but as soon as he goes back to uni I fear it will start sliding again.

DD 17 has just been diagnosed with autism last week. She goes for days without having a shower or washing her hair, her logic is as she doesn't go out why does she need to shower... She has never shaved her legs or underarms, because she has fair hair her legs don't look too bad but she has a lot of underarm hair. She refuses to shave because she doesn't want to "fit in with the normal" and any real friends would like her whether she had hairy armpits or not...

She sometimes sleeps in her day clothes including underwear (this may be due to it being out of usual routine)

Not hygiene related but she is spending a lot of day sleeping, I know this is "normal" to some extent for teens, but she sleeps 12 hours a day asleep ... tried alarms, nothing working and I'm at my wits end

I'm glad (in the best possible way) that DS1 is not the only one. He's 20 and just doesn't see a need for the same level of hygiene as others his age. He has ASD.