DD daughter gets distressed if I hold my hands in a certain way and noises that I apparently make

[MyLovelyGirl]

My DD(12 years old) is currently in the process of assessment to see if she is on the autistic spectrum.

She's been having a really tough time recently - self-harm, suicidal feelings. CAHMS involved.

For the last couple of years, she has got really distressed if I hold my hands in a certain way - so if my thumb touches another part of my hand (including if I'm praying in Church) she has a compulsion to grab my thumb and grip onto it - sometimes crossing the room to do so.

This has escalated to if my thumb slightly twitches she'll make a distressed noise and grab it.

Over the last month, she is now getting upset about the noises I make when I eat (my eating style has not changed in any way and I'm pretty sure I'm not a gross eater).

There are times that I'm not eating where we're sitting together and she accuses me of making noises with my mouth (I think it is just the fact there is saliva in my mouth as there is in anyone's mouth and she's super-sensitised to it). She's getting very angry with me about it and I'm feeling very frustrated because it's not something I can control and it's not something that should be an issue anyway.

I feel this all escalating and I don't know how best to handle it.

As she hasn't had an ASD diagnosis, I can't say for sure whether this is a factor - I was wondering if it's something that any one else experiences and if anyone has any words of wisdom for me?

Thank you so much for any thoughts and suggestions

Just bumping to see if anyone can help?

Can’t really help, other than a different point of view?
I have 2 DC and I’m a grown woman. Have never been diagnosed with anything though perhaps I might be on some sort of scale somewhere. I have irrational reactions to some noises. Partly, loud noises can make my whole body jump and nerves twinge, sometimes they’re not even so loud.

I have a terrible time with noises people make when they eat. It’s much worse in a quiet scenario, esp my husband in the evening, when the house is quiet. To be fair he seems to eat louder when not paying attention, I.e. reading something on his phone.
I anticipate these noises which seems to make it even worse. I have to leave the room or I feel violent urges. Similar noises don’t seem to bother me from the kids though - it’s like they are just eating and I’m glad they are enjoying the food.
Anticipation makes it worse - definitely. In a noisy environment like a restaurant it’s not a problem.

I think trying alternative reactions could be helpful for your daughter: so something that initially re focuses her and then keeps her occupied.
For example I leave the room and go and sort out clothes washing. By the time I’m back, DH has finished a snack, I’ve forgotten about my stress by being busy.

You can also try and get her to narrate what she is thinking and doing, so instead of lashing out at you, get her to process what’s happening. “ I am affected by . . . I’m going to get up and walk across the room and ask my mum to stop doing . . z”

It seems as though, left to grow, she is reacting to more and more things

Thing is - with the noises I'm apparently making with my mouth (I've asked my partner and he says I do not make noises with my mouth) - I'm just sitting there. I'm not doing anything with my mouth. There is nothing I can stop doing.
With my hands, I'm not doing anything weird with them. Sometimes I've not even moved and she'll put her hand over my thumb to make sure it's in the position she wants it to be in.
It's really intrusive and I'm finding it very upsetting - and she can't be doing it to other people, they're not going to be tolerant :(

Misophonia for the hearing sounds likely.

As for the thumbs, maybe it's a sensory thing. One young relative with ASD could not bear to look at anyone's bare feet, it would make them have to cover their own eyes and sometimes cause a meltdown if they couldn't avoid looking at them. They did grow out of that behaviour and now can (just) tolerate peoples' bare feet, but have to look away and say nothing.

Thank you for replying

I've googled misophonia and that makes sense. Strange how it's only started up over the last month or so and was never an issue before. I don't know if puberty can heighten these things maybe?

I've no idea if puberty can, I have misophonia and I'm pretty sure it just appeared out of the blue. I remember one mealtime thinking my partner was making such an excessive and unpleasant noise all the time when he ate, yet I couldn't remember always feeling like that - if I had done, we'd never have got together. Ticking clocks have driven me to distraction since childhood and I had to ask him not to wear or leave one particular watch in the bedroom.

I'm not sure if ear defenders may help your dd, or noise-cancelling headphones, or in-ear headphones with her favourite songs or white noise or nature sounds app on an ipod. Like everything else, it becomes a case of try it and see but some of the items can be very expensive, so try the cheaper ones first.

As for your thumbs, I'm thinking it may be a sensory thing or a control thing, that your hand looks 'wrong' to your DD and 'needs' to be corrected by her immediately because she finds it so distressing when she perceives it as 'wrong' - can she explain it to you, or is it a compulsion, or something else. The more you can figure out how it appears to her, the more likely you are to mention it to the right person at assessment. I'd definitely just mention it anyway, but particularly to a sensory OT to see if they have encountered it before.

My dd is 11 and is exceptionally controlling. She likes to try and dictate a lot about me. The bottom line is you cannot tolerate this, it has to be very firm and you have to stand up for your autonomy or it will only get worse. When my daughter puts her hands on me a day, say very firmly " do not put your hands on me this is my body and I am the only person in charge of it" and I do not comply with what she wants me to do, even if I could, even if I don't actually care because she has to learn and she won't without my consistency.

I am an adult and have a diagnosis of TS and ADHD with a lot of sensory issues and I also have problems with my mums eating and sounds that i feel i can hear from her mouth. No one else can hear this or seems bothered by it but it actually feels painful for me to be around it. I hate it because she's the only one who bothers me in this way but theres nothing either of us can do about it! Not much help sorry but I would definitely suggest ear defenders, I used to wear them a lot at home.

Thanks for the replies.

With the hands thing, I have told her she can't dictate how I hold them, but she still persists in trying to get me to change them. I used to be much stronger about it, but it's worn me down over the last couple of years, so though once she's grabbed my hands and I've told her it's not acceptable, I try to put my hands back in the position they were, but I think I probably then alter them subconsciously because she's so upset

The mouth thing often happens if we are sitting on the sofa watching TV together - would ear defenders mean that she wouldn't be able to hear the TV? We already disagree on how loud things like TV and music should be - she generally likes then much louder than me - whether I'm in the room or not.

Get a pair of kids ear defenders. (I'm an adult and still use kids ones as they fit fine). You can still hear the TV or people speaking to you but all background noise is drowned out. In terms of the hands thing the only thing i can suggest though is encouraging her to avert her eyes from it. The frustration never really goes away it just becomes easier to deal with. I hope this helps!

I used to be much stronger about it, but it's worn me down over the last couple of years

This stood out for me because I feel the same. My DD is older, after years of waiting her school funded a private assessment but now she’s old enough to get sent the results herself. The process was stupid anyway and I doubt you’d ever get an accurate autism assessment the way they did it. Anyway, no idea what her result was but she has always been controlling in a similar way to your daughter and it’s worn me down to the point of illness. I don’t know if it’s autism related or not, I just know it actually makes other people’s lives miserable. You shouldn’t let her order you around regardless, just my opinion after years of sticking to all the ‘rules’ myself. If she has a problem with your eating or your hands, tell her to move away. Being stronger now will save you from even more controlling behaviour later.

I know this is a week or so old now, but just wanted to add that my DS, 16, who is severely autistic, is also very controlling of body position -in his case it’s us having our legs crossed or resting our head or chin on a hand. He can sometimes be joked out of it ( I sometimes pretend my leg is stuck) but it clearly bothers him. I agree with a previous poster to try to resist it - we’ve gone with it, thinking it would be a phase, but it’s gone on for ages now.

You need to raise this with CAMHS in case something like CBT can help with her distress over your hands. Also ask for a referral to an occupational therapist specialising in sensory issues.

Sounds like a form of OCD to me. Did you get anywhere with your referrals?