Daughter 15

[philfleet]

I have joined Mumsnet because I am desperate for help and support.
I am not a mum: I am a dad, with a son, 21, and daughter,18, who have become very successful. But my 15 year old daughter has become almost impossible to deal with: let me explain why.
2 years ago, she seemed fine. Then the problems began. An inability to make or keep friendships. A total lack of personal hygiene (no showers, no hair washing, nothing). Eating disorder - a refusal to use knife and fork, food hidden around the place. A complete disintegration of education -heading for straight fails in GCSEs. And a lack of any kind of concern about all the above - almost a sort of satisfaction in causing such concern.
My ex-wife and I have always worked together with our children post divorce, sharing the care, and it has worked well until now. My ex-wife emailed me over Christmas to say my daughter would not be allowed back to her house, and if she turned up she would be left outside in the cold. Now she is saying I have to take up full caring responsibililties which is impossible because of my job.
I am at my wit's end. My daughter is difficult to deal with but I have her 3 nights a week and I think I do everything I can for her. If my ex wife insists I do more (literally by refusing my daughter to enter her house) I don't know what I can do.
We have been with her to GPs, psychologists, psychiatrists,social services...the list goes on. No-one can diagnose her because she clams up and won't speak to anyone.
I could go on - and on and on. But I am just a dad who is absolutely at his wit's end and any support or advice would be fantastically appreciated.

Oh you poor thing - that sounds so hard. I didn't want to leave your post unanswered, although I'm not sure I can offer more than virtual support. It sounds like you are trying all the right things. Even if your DD won't engage, I think it worth taking her back to the GP. If you ever feel she is presenting a danger to herself, then head to A&E - in my experience this can be the best route to getting effective help.

Clearly your ex wife has reached the point where she feels she cannot cope anymore. Can you sit down and discuss with her a joint plan for going forward once she has had a chance to calm down?
It is so incredibly stressful seeing your child self destruct like this, so try and be kind to yourself. You sound like a lovely, caring Dad.

Thank you.My ex wife will not help any more and says it is not negotiable. I have no idea what to do. Am frightened for my daughter and for myself. I just don't know how to cope with all this. Am seeing GP on Tuesday. Thanks again

Can you pinpoint when this started? If she was fine two years ago to suddenly have such big issues it’s either something triggered it or she’s been masking something and has burnt out. Could you explore different therapists? How many sessions did you try? I was a mess from 13-22 though my parents knew about my self harm they didn’t push to do anything so I was left and eventually it got worse and I developed an eating disorder. Things have improved greatly now (I’m 35). Growing up for me though was hard. Friendships were tricky. My children have adhd and I suspect I do too. Is there anyone else aside from your or your ex that your daughter could talk to?

Thank you. She won't talk to anyone about what is wrong. She has had about 12 sessions with a psychologist and three with CAMHS. She has always spent the week with my ex-wife and weekends with me. Her behaviour began to change when she was with my ex wife - I didn't notice anything wrong for months but now it is just as bad when she is with me. My brother, her uncle, tries to help but she has begun to be extremely hostile towards him.

Any big changes like new partners? I’d be a bit concerned as to why she’s so hostile towards your brother. When did you and her mum divorce? Could her older sister talk to her?

No big changes. Divorced when she was very small but I have looked after her and her siblings every weekend. Her sister is fed up with her and won't do anything to help

We are in a similar situation with our 16 year old daughter. She has learning disabilities and masked for a long time and then snapped. The past nearly 2 years have been very hard. This time last year she was in an adolescent psychiatric hospital.

Frankly her behaviour is unbearable but CAMHS say it behaviour rather than mental health now. Referred to the behaviour team linked to social services. Met with her keyworker last week and action put in place to work with our daughter once a week for initially 12 weeks. God knows how its going to help.

Our older daughter now rarely comes home because she can’t cope with her sister.

Social services will ask what are your adult children to help. We had this and our other daughter is 20. Not something I agree with, she has her own life to lead. To my mind our youngest daughter is our responsibility and her sister shouldn’t be burdened with her.

In my experience , help is not offered unless you make a noise. Suggest you ask SS for help.

Sorry you are having these problems OP. I don’t know what to advise but I think you and her mum could also maybe see the GP together without GP as well. I am concerned about my DD nearly 14. She has dyslexia but nothing else diagnosed yet. She can make the odd friend but her friendships never last and she always seems to be out on a limb. She isnt interested in anything other than dogs and eating chocolate (fortunately she’s not overweight) so struggles to engage in much conversation even with ourselves. Her diet is appalling and what she will eat is very narrow. She is above average in some subjects (maths, geography, art and sciences) but below in English and some others.
The only way we can get her in the shower and to wash her hair is to bully her into it. Her teeth are yellow. She stinks most days. Like your DD OP she disposes of food and wrappings behind the couch, in the study in her wardrobe etc. Dirty under wear is hidden in the draw under her bed or chucked in her wardrobe etc. Sometimes she is remarkably organised and surprises me. Other times she is very babyish and very immature. She shouts at me a lot and directs a lot of hatred towards me (not her dad, but due to dad being out the house a lot with work she spends most of her time with me). I am still with her dad and I love her to bits but she is difficult and I worry about her behaviour and where it is heading. Tonight I went to cuddle her (she had been in a really happy good mood tonight) and she lashed out and hit me really hard on the bone between my hand and wrist. She often hurts me.