When/if should I discuss ASD with (undiagnosed) DD

[FirstSunnyDayInSpring]

I am certain she is on the spectrum - have even occasionally slipped into talking about her in those terms with e.g. Teachers and guide leaders. Never had her diagnosed - because I couldn't see that it would elicit any tangible benefits for her, and I thought that the assessment process might be stressful for all of us.

She does comment on some aspects of what I see as her 'traits' (e.g. the occasional epic meltdown, how bemused she is by her peers getting into make up and pop music, how she's an 'uber nerd' ) - but generally we've taken lifestyle steps that mean she's in a relatively happy place right now. Of course that could change when she hits her teens next year.

So should I raise the 'concept' of Aspergers with her - or carry on just dealing with her as an individual and wait for her to ask/discover for herself?

I personally would go for a diagnosis - it can help at secondary. It is also easier to get before she becomes an adult. If it is accurate it may help her understand why she thinks differently from others.
Also it is easier to deal with when she still listens to you, and doesn't have raging hormones.

Admittedly my DD sought out information herself at 9 before anyone even started to diagnose her, so I never had to tell her.

I considered going for a diagnosis in Y3 when she hit the buffers hard (selective mutism/disengaged/not sleeping etc etc.)

In the event, we ended up moving her to a cosy prep school with a dragonish kind-hearted principal, who 'got' DD. She still has meltdowns/friendship malfunctions/obsessions - but it's lovely to see how much more positive she is in an environment that encourages her strengths, and is gentle with her weaknesses. The principal basically wrote a care plan for DD, and circulated it among the staff, setting out what expectations/boundaries/strategies are with DD - and the school is small enough that she's accepted as an adorable eccentric. of course it helps that she's academically high achieving and makes them look good too! .

I discussed the possibility of a diagnosis - and the school basically said that it wouldn't make any difference to their approach - they were just treating her as 'her' iyswim.

A diagnosis might make a difference at secondary - but it seems somehow odd to push for a diagnosis to a child who (at the moment) is functioning very well (within her quirks).

But diagnosis can take quite some time, and it is better if it comes when a) they still listen to you, b) its not in a real crisis (DD was diagnosed after being referred to CAMHS as school were worried she was a suicide risk).

But we go to an activity where there are a lot of private school children, some of whom would definitely be being pushed for diagnosis if in the state system.

In truth, DH was anti going for a diagnosis. His view is that all the traits that I would point to as 'autistic' - he could counter as 'exactly like family member X, Y and Z'.

Basically - he distrusts health professionals in general - and thinks that it is more constructive to encourage DD to build an identity based on being 'one of us' - and her self-adopted identity of being 'nerdy'. He sees overtones of ASD=mentally unwell. His view - that he voluminously shares with DD - is that people 'like us' are the rational and functional ones .

Would the GP even engage with me for someone who was generally functional? My friend wants her child to be assessed for ASD - school refusal, violence, obsessed with online gaming. No one seems in a great hurry. DD is far less needy atm.

Leave some books lying around or a webpage open. If she finds them, a curious child will have a browse and maybe bring up the content with you in their own time.

If she is happy as you say, not sure there is any point pursuing a diagnosis at this stage. At adolescence however, it might be a different story.

Dd went to a prep school with an enlightened Head very similar to the one you describe.

Have a good look at this and the AQ test it refers to. musingsofanaspie.com/2012/11/20/taking-the-aspie-quiz/
Then just for fun, answer the questions as if you were your DH. Then you may understand why his views are so offensive "He sees overtones of ASD=mentally unwell and uses terms like 'one of us'"

Would the GP even engage with me for someone who was generally functional?
I don't think you understand the complexity of ASD, or realise how crippling it can be when it affects academically able people. Please read up on ASD and Asperger's, the Triad of Impairments and lastly please read the support thread for women on the spectrum and see how most of them would have given their eye teeth to have been diagnosed earlier in life because without the dx, they felt so isolated and misunderstood because of their differences. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs_recommendations/2311467-Support-thread-for-women-with-suspected-diagnosed-self-diagnosed-ASD-or-ADHD?pg=1

Where will your dd go for secondary education? If it's in the state system, most will make no provision at all for her unless she has a formal diagnosis and an ECHP. You may be lucky and find a particularly enlightened Head at a private secondary, but don't bank on it, their tolerance towards additional educational needs can be extremely variable, despite a pupil being a high academic achiever.

The benefit of hindsight is a marvellous thing but I can say that IF I'd known at the time about Daphne Keen, I'd have taken dd to her for assessment while she was still at Prep school. www.daphnekeen.co.uk/how-i-work/

formatting fail, was supposed to be strike-through, not underlined.

I'll look at those links - thank you.

She's off to a single sex state grammar school.

The 'partner' boys school is an autism centre of excellence (exceptionally high number of pupils statemented ASD). Girls school isn't specifically - but the two schools work closely together iyswim.

DD expressly targeted this as somewhere where she felt she'd fit in - & I hope our intuition is correct & it will provide the best possible ride through adolescence for DD.

Hello FirstSunnyDayinSpring

Your dd and dh's approach to your dd's AS has worked for myself and my teenage dd with AS, and I would say is a crucial and flexible approach. My dd also identified an all girls independent school herself, but did not get in. In her case this was very fortunate as the mixed state school she attends has excellent care, which in our case would not have been provided at the independent school.
When my dd was given her diagnosis, it was very positive. It is hers to use when she needs support and it is her choice who she tells and who she doesn't. The important thing is the massive increase in her self-esteem and happiness having the confirmation of a diagnosis has given her.
I spent years swinging from. 'Am I mad?' to 'She's definitely AS'. When dd was about ten, I sat with her and read through a book called, 'Inside Asperger's Looking Out'. It's a very simple picture book - but is on the nail. Dd selected the traits that she related to and at that point, I felt I had it from the horse's mouth. Dd very much wanted a diagnosis. Ex-h was against, despite having read the book and realising that he too identified. Ex-h still can't see the point of a diagnosis and thinks dd should force herself to fit in, not realising that dd spends most of her days doing this anyway.
I hope that this helps...
Here are some links to books that dd loves:

www.amazon.co.uk/Inside-Aspergers-Looking-Kathy-Hoopmann/dp/1849053340/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1431505409&sr=1-1&keywords=inside+aspergers+looking+out

I am Aspien Girl -(very positive and uplifting)
www.amazon.co.uk/Am-Aspiengirl-Characteristics-Females-Spectrum/dp/0992360900/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1431505450&sr=1-1&keywords=aspien+girl

I hope that all this helps :) :)