Help for the whole family. ASD db

[WienerDiva]

I don't even know where to begin on this subject

My db is 26 and has Aspergers, he lives at home with dm and df. No paid job as such but enjoys regular volunteer work and a hobby a couple of times a week.

His major issue is that he hates so strongly and irrationally.

It's affecting the whole family and the way we live ours lives.

My dm is not handling this well at all. I believe she is a typical "narc" but I let most of it wash over me because it's not my problem it's her's and I give her a bit of leeway because my db is such hard work and mentally draining.

I fear that it's all becoming too much at the moment though. I think my dm is sinking into a depression, she is just insisting that it's the menopause (maybe, but I don't think entirely).

She's being really irrational about very tiny things and I actually believe she's making db worse with her negativity.

It's coming to a head now and without divulging too much info I'm being asked to choose between friends that haven't done anything wrong (it's hate by association with my db) because every single time they are mentioned in sends my db into a HUGE rage and dm loses it and starts being hysterical.

I'm at a loss, I don't know if we need family counselling/someone who can guide us all when dealing with these situations/give in/stand our ground.

I'm at an utter loss as to how to help everyone.

Suppose I'm just venting but any suggestions will be gratefully received.

Hello, you might be better moving this into chat for more responses?

I am not sure what support you get already but I am in a similar situation. I have an adult DSis with AS who lives with DM and DF.

What I arranged was for my DSis to have an allocated social worker who then did an assessment and helps her access activities and opportunities to develop her social skills. In the case of your DB you could ask for something suitable to help with his specific difficulties. It depends what is available locally.

For my DM I arranged for her to be registered as DSis carer and she now receives support from the local parent and carers association. This not only provides emotional support but also financial. My DSis is calmer when DM is supported and well herself.

When things have got out of hand with behaviour we have arranged to sit down together as a family and talk about it when everyone is calm. This is hard as we're not a sit down and talk kind of family but it does help. We agree an agenda and my Dsis will out random things on like wanting to do a car boot sale, but it gives us chance to put our bits on that are causing concern. We then agree what will happen. At times it is like dealing with a teenager rather than an adult.

Thanks for the reply. Sorry I didn't respond sooner, I was away at the weekend.

My dm "doesn't want the support" and she "doesn't need people sticking their nose in with advice that's useless".

Unfortunately she's a bit of a PITA sometimes. We so have sit down chats as a family but with my db he'll be ok about and he'll have a bit of a breakdown and cry and says sorry for upsetting everyone. But 1 week later we're back to square one.

He also really hates his grandmother (df's mum) and says awful things, but because they don't upset him he can't see how it could upset others.

You're right though, definitely feels like dealing with a 16 year old and not someone in their mid 20's!