think I've done something stupid

[Jimjams]

Ds1 likes watching videos of himself. Loves it in fact.

Anyway he found one the other day and we watched it together it went from when his first birthday to when he was about 2.8. And oh my god. Even after he was clearlly not developing normally (no pointing) he was so "normal". He was pretending to read books (all the intonation and sounds) and pointing at pictures in books, had a lot of words I'd forgotten - even at past 2. He was dancing around to songs and doing the actions. Our dp person saw it and said "oh my goodness when did he stop talking" (and we were watching a bit when I thought in my memeory that he had).

Anyway - whatever- clearly a regression going on somewhere (or a standing still). But -- even looking for the signs the only ones I could see were a delay in reaching out and no pointing. He was socail referencing etc. It was really weird. Very very very subtle signs.

So now (the stupid bit) I am sooooo paranpid about ds3 because the signs were so subtle I'm no sure I'd spot them. He did reach out on time, but obviously he's too young to point yet. Honestly I feel like I can't eat I'm so worried.

Tell me I'm being stupid- or at least that I can't do anything about it so I may as well forget it. Please! (or alternatively pack me off to the funny farm).

oh god I'm off to bed, Can someone organise a rocket to be placed up my arse tomorrow morning please. Or pehaps Davros could administer a good kick. I'm keeping well away from videos pre-dx from now on.

my gran reckons it because so many other people are involved and litrature etc telling you what to do it sometimes undermines your confidence as a mother, even though naturally you love and nuture them the same. plus you feel inadequate andf that someone else could do itbetter

stupide really as only I know dd, then again i feel like I am not responsioble enough alot of the time

god it ages you doesnt it?!

I just feel like I can't escape, and that there's no end. I'm terrified to hand him over at 19 as I don't trust social services. I just want him to be able to be responsible for himself and that won't happpen.

Blimey happpy tonight. I must go to bed.
Look after you and yoursxxx

whhhooooooooooooosssssshhhhhhh

social referencing is checking out objects/things going on with your parents. So glance at new toy, look at parent to check reaction, go back to toy. Basically the stuff they teach in RDI.

Funnily enough actually ds1 still does that, and he gets our attention a lot using eye contact these days. Which is kind of weird.

I am fgoing to share something now that i have never shared with anyone , not even my husband. but when dd started having problems and I was oregnant and the I has ds and then sarah diedm i contemplated walking out and never coming back and it was a daily thought as i just felt i COULDNT DO IT ANYMORE. I just kept thinking if I go now it will be best for everyone as i cant cope. Jimjams you are right there is no escape whatsoever that is obviously the frightening bit. Thank god I didnt walk out though, i must hav been very depresed in hindsight but I always keep it well covered unluckily.

Sleepyjess, hope to see you this week btw, hope i havent put you off! Go and sleep easy by ds2 xxxx

Thank You Fio xx Am going to bed now. Looking forward to meeting you

Jimjams, if I ahd another child now I would be watching for everything!

I think it is totally normal to be so worried about your other child. I'd be more concerned if you weren't worried!!!

Fio- I understand exactly how you felt. It's weird because I've never felt the "no escape" thing before, but have since having ds3. I think its because although I know that ds2 is fine, and will therefore get easier as he gets older I don't yet know that about ds3. Also everything is harder with 3 whilst ds3is a baby- to the point where another pair of hands isn't a luxury it's often an essential. It is bascially impossible at the moment for one person to do bedtime- it needs 2. When ds3 is ds2's age it won't, but for the moment it does. DH wants to go to a conference in Sept when my parents are away, but I don't think he can -because of bedtime (seriously!)

I don't think I'm depressed, but think I should be

Blimey guys - I've felt all those things at one point or another. Thought about leaving a few times (dd young enough that she wouldn't miss me etc etc), wondered WTF I am doing being a mother, and totally terrified of having another child because I know I will be anxious about them the whole time. Especially if it is a girl (dd's condition only affects girls) I know I will be watching them like an absolute hawk at around the 4 month stage for signs of seizures. Even though dd's condition isn't hereditary so highly unlikely to happen again. So how does that make sense?

The only way I can deal with 'what happens when she is an adult' is to block it out completely. TBH there is a fairly good chance dd won't live to be an adult so I figure there is no point in worrying about it.

F**k that all sounds so depressing, and I am actually on an up at the moment. I guess the reality is that even when things are good I still carry all that fear and sadness somewhere at the back of my mind .

I think your last sentence sums it up hitc!

JimJams - so sorry- this has been on my conscience because I saw that you made a reference to worrying about DS3 in a completely different thread, and I was worrying that you were worrying.

This all sounds so very painful, and I'm so sorry.

But you know what to do - stop watching the videos, ad keep watching darling DS3 and his reaching out.

XXXX

I'm surprised how much I am worrying blu. I think its just his age.

god it is depressing isnt it?! the reality of it all. Anyway must tidy my friend will be here in a kinute and she insists on a tidy house, dont you rickman?

His age, fear of the experience you have been through, probably all sorts of comparisons and falshbacks in your head.

I'm not surprised that you ARE worrying, even though, as you say, ds3 is reaching out. It's natural for you to worry. I wonder if because you haven't the time and opportunity to spend time with other Mums of babes ds3's age, you are missing the comparisons between him and others his age? This is of course, in itself, one of the restrictions and presssures of having a 'high maintenance' child.

Would it help to get early re-assurance support over ds3 - or just to tell yourself that you went through endless worries over DS2, and it would be better to spare yourself the agony - however natural it is to wonder and worry?

Sorry you're having to deal with it, though - one of the extra pressures of being an ASD-mum that you don't see in the handbook (ha ha).

How IS ds2? Is he enjoying his summer?

Jimjams

I was thinking about this and I remember that you said you were worried about autism from about 18 months with Ds1 even though the signs were subtle. So when you were with him day to day at that age you must have felt things weren't quite right and that was without the experience that you have now. I think the "feel" you get for a child when you are actually with them is probably different in a video. When I look back at videos of Ds2 he seems very "normal" but I knew he wasn't from very early on, so I think I must have picked up on stuff that you don't see in the video. Does that make sense?

Not that I don't understand why you are worried. I should think it is impossible not to worry and I am sorry that you have this on top of everything else.

yes jimjams I think Blu is right and if i lived by you i would force you to sit through at least one mother and toddler group a month to put your mind at rest and give you something else to moan about

know why you worry though chuck as you are completely normal!

Actually children of the same age make me super paranoid. I avoid them!

Actually feeling much happier about him today- no doubt paranoia will be back soon

Oh Jimjams, have been off-line and busy today, so sorry to read your first post, haven't read the rest yet. I was totally paranoid about DD from 1yr-2yrs, and with good cause I think. Don't know what to say, will read rest of thread when I get time but just look out for what you can and try to feel as positive as possible I see from the last thread that you are happier today, pleased to see that.
tippy toe, tippy toe [hugs]!!!

Davros