Please hide me from all NT 5-7 year olds

[Jimjams]

Usually I don't really mind anymore.

But this week I do (holidays?? lots around??)

They're just so - well - jaw droppingly WOW aren't they?

weak

mind you just before we moved 14 months ago a friend said to me "your ds will overtake your dd soon"

and I was [angry} must have been noticable as she said, in height you idiot!!

I was thinking about things people have said to other people rather than me (friend's who have lost children etc). I don't think it's spiteful , just incredibly unthinking. I mean if someone told you (excitedly I guess) that their almost 2 year old had pulled themselves up would you REALLY say oh so has my 9 month old. It's just crass, and suggests they haven't stopped to think about the situation at all!

But PMSL @ your friend Fio. Ha ha.

What I REALLY hate are the "well meant" comments from people who should know better (like SIL) that you have to be nice about eg "I bet ds1 is really looking forward to xmas isn't he?" Said repeatedly during December even though the reply is always " well no he doesn't really understand about xmas" I mean how many times? aaaagggghhh

This has been so enlightening to read. I have often found myself hiding away through not wanting to encounter other 4 yr old boys (My ds - ASD - nearly 5, dd (NT) nearly 7).

Someone I talked to a couple of years about it helped me by saying it was kind of a grieving process and a case of grieving at lots of different developmemntal stages for the child I didn't have, whilst celebrating every day the one I did have. Corny, but helped me, as does my mum, who when I'm crying big ploppy tears and saying I can't go on says, they only send the special ones to the special ones....

my gran just said "well dd will catch up, she isnt that bad really and i think most things will sort themselves out"

and I said "she is severe gran"

and she said I didnt realise

i have told her lots of times, maybe they just want them to be normal and pray they are

or the classic- "he'll copy the other children and do it" WTF????? It's the one stupid thing my mum (bless her as she's great) persists in saying.

Fio your gran sounds like my friend's mum- it drives her insane.

Yes, people really can't understand that a child with classic ASD does NOT copy and just being with NT kids is NOT going to work!
You all know lots of the crap things I've had said over the years. Having been the mum of ONLY a child with severe ASD for 7.5 years and now having NT DD I really can say I've experienced a lot. I hope I've educated a few people about how dreadful it can be, at least I found it so, to have ONLY a severely disabled child. Now I have DD people tell me that some things I said about just having the one with severe autism had really made them think and understand a bit better.

I love my gran though, she practically brought me up, taught me how to waltz in her front room, helped me write poetry, gave me the love and confidence my own parents didnt give me

she just doesnt get this. i blame it on her age mainly, she will be 80 next year. iw ill miss her terribly when she dies, but she frustrates me sometimes but I think i am expecting too much as she is elderly and I cant treat her as if she was my mum iykwim (even though i feel that she is) and my mum is evben worse even though in her head she is great

god i sound so bitter just lately

Fio - my friend's mum is the same age and she thinks a lot of it is down to her being elderly.

Davros I very much wanted to experience normal child rearing (I sound like some sort of dog breeder ) - and am pleased I have with ds2 (getting VERY paranoid aboout ds3 so not going to say anything about him without touching a forest first ) Most (all except you I think) of the people I know with only one severely autistic child have made that a definite decision. Not to have any more and to stick with one. Although I know others with a couple of children with AS/ADHD type combinations and I know one mum with a severely autistic son and moderately autistic dd (she's just had her 3rd though). It was never a decision I had to make as ds2 was conceived before the extent of ds1's problems were apparent. By the time he was born I knew there was more going on- but the decision was out of our hands obviously.

Sadly my mum said something very similar to the '2yr/9 month old pulling up' comment just the other day.

I phoned to tell her about dd crawling and practically her first comment was "oh - she's beaten XX then. Oh but I don't think XX will bother with crawling as she bottom shuffles" - XX being my sister's 1 year old daughter - FFS!

Infact last time I was home both my mum my sister were comparing dd to her cousin. I was really hurt but wondered if I was just being oversensitive. Reading this and writing it down - don't think I was .

It has got to the stage where I feel I have to say something which, as we are a family who never say anything that actually means anything to each other, is quite a big thing.

That comment had me gasping- I think people leave their brains behind HITC. Or I think that they think our children are so behind that it doesn't really matter and they don't really count. Good luck with saying something.

The thing is Jimjams - I think in some weird way she thinks that she is somehow helping by kind of just acting as if the fact that dd is only now crawling is totally normal... staggeringly misjudged....

that's a weird one- I think my MIL was the same when she used to say "he's absolutely fine there's nothing wrong with him". I used to want to shake her but she probably thought she was being nice.

I think people really don't know what to say so just say what they think you want them to iykwim

I agree Blossom hill, I think some people just really do not know what to say, so they end up with both feet in their mouth. I have felt so angry I could scream but when it's family I know it's just that they don't know what to say....

HITC

its a shame as I am sure all our families are just as hurt that our children arent developing normally but they just have foot in mouth syndrome

sorry to butt into your thread but i've just been reading it through and fio2 found the comments about your gran really interesting. What i think it is , is that in her day an sn child almost certainly wouldn't have got a diagnosis, nobody would have know exactly what was going on with the child just that things weren't right, and the family would just try to bring the child on as much as possible without having all the knowledge that we have today iyswim.
so she probably thinks that her way, of saying'oh he'll catch up' is both true and supportive.
I hope this is ok for me to say. it must be really hurtful when people make comments unthinkingly. if you feel i have- sorry!

of course it is ok to say alexmum, i forgive her as she is elderly and i do love her dearly i just have to vent it on here and to my husband, who also defends her! I think you are right, people just used to carry on 'as normal' even when things wernt right, things were not talked about and thousands of children with disabilities such as my daughters were institutionalised. My Mum used to work in a school for SLD and it was residential. it used to really upset as some parents didnt even take their children hom,e for the holidays, or pick them up or vivist them on their birthdays that was only 25 years ago!!!

Another foot in mouth mil here too, i told her ds had said a few proper words this week (we are fantastically happy in a dont tempt fate way iyswim) ans she said he other grandson 2months older had said "how are u nanny?" this morning. Great for nephew but does she always have to tell me as a direct response to one of ds s achievements, does she not realise HOW important they are when ds does things.

My friends DS2 was born three months after my DD2 (she has two NT twins, boy and girl of 3.5) and he is suffering developmental delay for unknown reasons (his brain is not the right size, ongoing diagnosis etc). She didn't have a first birthday party, and I asked why? She said she couldn't bear to celebrate his first birthday with the other 1 year olds around, all doing their "normal" things and making the difference between her DS look much more pronounced.

I was so deeply saddened by this. But reading this thread makes me understand her better.

I for my part, always take an interest in his development for even the small things that he achieves, and I hope never, ever to fall into the category of the parents of NT children described to here.

MN has taught me a lot about your point of view. It's one the the reasons I visit.

Catbert - I wonder if I know you friend in RL?

I met a lovely lady up at the hospital once when I was there with my ds2 who has SN's and she fits your friends description exactly. Reading your post reminded me of a conversation we had when I told her that I found Mumsnet a real support - she mentioned that a friend had recommended Mumsnet to her, but that she hadn't investigated it herself - are you by any chance in Surrey?

I haven't seen her for quite a while as the group up at the hospital is only monthly and we have had other appts etc, but I was wondering how she is doing.

The thing I've found though is its not just relatives or parents of NT children, I've had awful things said by parents of children with SN, not long ago either and even since having DD.

oh yes snap Davros. I've had some beauties