this hurts :(

[mieow]

Today was our niece's 5th birthday, she was having a party at the
local ball park (which connors loves) About 4 weeks ago, SIL asked
MIL if Connor could manage the slides etc and she said she would
find out, of course we said that Connor could manage and enjoyed the
last party he went to there. Well, no invite turned up, SIl never
phoned us and hubby is p**sed. She finally phoned up TODAY at 12,
asking us what we were doing, I said that we had been out and that
connor was feeling a bit off (he had just woken up as he fell asleep
in the car) but i thought he was fine, "ok" she said "we have to get
the kids together at the weekend" no mention of the party again.
This has bugged me all day. I can't believe that she wouldn't invite
Connor because of his CP........ it hurts.

MIL know what connor is capable of and also that he has been there before because while he was at a party there we went for tea at her house. We also found out that a child dropped out yesterday because she had chicken pox and that was why SIL phoned us. A last minute invite is worse than not at all, especially seeing that they are family. Even if they had invited him and sent an invite and it had gone missing, MIL looks after her kids everyday and we see MIl once a week so it would have been pick up on.

No way MIL got it wrong as she knew how much we were hoping for an invite, that never came.

I do think you and ds have been badly treated, mieow, but could it have been something to do with the fact that your niece didn't want your son invited? Children that age can be very particular about who their friends are, and her mother may have felt that as it was her party, she should have the final say.

I do think, however, if that was the case, she should have phoned you and explained the situation.

the whole thing is horrid i agree.
i would be tempted to send a sealed letter - calm and sorrowful not angry and confontational - with the birthday card ( to arrive on or just after the day not giving SIL time to back track - the letter - explaining that she has hurt your feelings and thats why you arnt attending, also explaining that if any discussion about your child and his ability to be involved in any activity should take place between you and her and not indirectly through MIL ( no matter how nice and knowledgable your MIL is) your SIL should have made enquiries directly with you.
may be concluding with a "lets put this behing us but i wanted you to know how hurtful it was" kind of thing

then sit back and wait!

message withdrawn

ohhh you must be angry - cos thinking about what you have said i am!
i mean FGS! if your SIL was arranging a birthday activity and discussed it with you and YOU felt that your son may not be able enough to participate - am sure you would have said so to save your child embarrassment - and make arrangements to turn up later or something. its not like you would vito a certain activity or place and "make" them have different arangements especially for your son is it?!
your sons abilities should have been discussed with you.

whats her number i wanna give her a piece? grrrrr

I am wondering if Tissy is right - I'm not making excuses for your SIL BTW - but you said your neice was bothered by your son's drooling, and IME children of that age are not always known for their tolerance, understanding etc. Or it might be more simple. At that age my sd would not have tolerated boys at her party and totally loathed her boy cousins. If I was your SIL I would have either insisted she invite Connor or called you to explain why not but maybe she was embarrassed by her daughter's rudeness? Obviously I don't know your family (they do sound a bit of a nightmare from your posts!) but I have found the nastiest explanation isn't always true. Like, at the mo a friend isn't speaking to me because I completely forgot I was supposed to go and see her one evening and she is totally convinced I did it on purpose and I can't change her mind. I think letters etc sometimes make things worse - I wonder, could your dh have a calm word with his sis and tell her you've been a bit upset and hurt to hear that she threw a party that Connor wasn't invited to and you wondered why? It will give her a chance to explain. You might be surprised by her answer and at least it would give her a chance to explain herself. Whatever she says couldn't make you feel more pissed off with her, surely? Anyway, I do sympathise with your hurt feelings.

Custardo LOL! whatever happened to the nice letter?!

The party was yesterday and we knew about it about a month ago when SIL asked MIL about Connors abilities.
I made connor invite his cousins to his party and then he was allowed as many friends as he wanted, admittally it was only 9.
I know that DN isn't a nice girl and she isn't very tolerance of Connor. She hates his dribbling and the way he falls.
I am a very family person and my family always come first. I have never (yet ) fallen out with my sisters or brother, and I hope that this is never an issue for them.
DH has deciced to speak to her at the weekend about how angry and upset we are. Connor will not be going there on saturday till this is resolved.
Anyway its DD1's b-day in 2 weeks and we are going to do something really cool and not invite them. Might make sure all the children are disabled, like Connor and Beth, and say that their kids can't come coz they are 'normal' LOL
As you have said, we have a hard enough time getting strangers to accept our children without family doing this.

I'm glad dh is going to talk to her Mieow, it might also be easier for him to speak more openly seeing as they are brother and sister. I do hope you get a reasonable answer. Like the idea of the disabled party btw , can we come?! It might make sil and her daughter realise what it is like to feel isolated and excluded.

I hope this can be sorted and put to rest so you can get on with other pressing parts of your life . Hugs to you.

In my experiencce this is so typical. I thought it was just us and our families at first but then realised that its very rare to find a supportive extended family when there is a child with a disability/disorder. I've read similar experiences on US egroups. I would never put anything in writing but always speak in person but not sure I would even do that as is probably won't make any difference. Its hard to accept and move on and maybe you do need some sort of "confrontation" to be able to move on. In the end I've realsed that the people I can relate to most are those in the same boat. I hope you sort it out to YOUR satisfaction, just try to think what that would be and how to achieve it. Sorry not to be more help.