What support do you expect from your family?

[beccaboo]

I had a real hum-dinger of a row with my mother over Easter. I really lost it, I was screaming at her. I feel bad about it now, but I'm just so disappointed with the level of support she's giving us.

She lives at the other end of the country, so I obviously don't expect her to babysit often or anything like that. But I wish she would make an effort to find out about autism. She hasn't read a book or asked me any questions about ds' condition, how it affects him or what it might mean in the future. It's like she's blanking it out.

While she was here she said she didn't think his speech was much different to any other three year old, and did he really need speech therapy. I was so taken aback, all I could think of saying was that with NHS SALT being as it is, he definitely wouldn't be getting it if he didn't need it.

Maybe I expect too much. But he is her only grandchild, and I thought she'd be a bit more pro-active.

well i get none and it does make me feel bitter.

i posted a thread awhile ago about my MIL choosing to look after SIL's dog instead of helping me in october half term and I always remember davros saying, get used to getting no help now off them and pick yourself up and get on with it. It was brilliant advice

I had the same thought, Twiglett, as to perhaps that was her way of trying to sound positive and "helpful".

My mum, whilst interested in her grandchildren and the details of their lives, does tend to go from one extreme to another with ds' issues. He has motor issues which do not impinge upon our lives anywhere near to the same extent of many of you ( which is why I tend to sit on the fringes of SN threads or go to Behaviour/Development ) but nevertheless are more obvious once people know. Her initial reaction was to deny it - "he'll catch up", "he's just not sporty" "but he can read" etc - which I suppose was her attempt at reassurance to herself as much as to us. But then she'll buy stuff like Lego and Meccano specifically with the idea that it will help. She still doesn't like to talk about it with anyone else though.

I think also it is partly that most grandparents can pick and choose which parts of their grown up children and grandchildren's lives they get involved in , or not (true of NT and SN). They can go home and become diverted by other things whereas for some parents their children, by necessity, are all consuming.

Oi! Who is that Fio2 poster, someone new? Ooer, Fio, my advice sounds harsh but, unfortunately, realistic.

yes well i think you do have to be relaistic when you have a child with SN. There is nothing else you can do. Whilst everyone can give you sympathy at the end of the day if you are struggling and family will not help you have to go down other avenues, like getting social services involved

where are they though????? they have cancelled twice and i still havent seen them

Davros you know I am an imposter and a troll

do a search, go on go on, I only started posting yesterday and i chose this thread as one of my firsts. Why? to cause trouble, do a search i only posted yesterday

All of our family did a runner when the first one was diagnosed. It's hard, just the 5 of us but you know sometimes it's a blessing too. We don't have to worry about nosey in-laws coming knocking unexpected, although sometimes it would be nice to have an excuse to get out the best china (well our new matalan mugs really) and have some company at the house.
I suppose we are so used to doing it alone that we don't think about it too much. What makes me mad is when people assume that we get loads of help, and they do. Thats about the time the steam starts to shoot for my ears.

Just to point out also that when social services are called in they have this really annoying habit of patting us on the back and telling us how fab they think it is that we manage with so little support and then slope off without actually doing anything.
It's no bloody use telling them we can't cope either because they know that we do. They're not bothered that it's at the expense of every other part of our lives, the kids are ok, so that's ok.

Rofl apple at the Matalan mugs! DH and I often joke that we have the perfect excuse not to have to do social things that we don't want to, e.g. dinner parties an hour's drive away etc. But it is harder when we DO want to do something and costs more. Why don't these grandparents and relatives help out more with the NT kids for those of us who have both? That would also help (I'm scared of including myself in this group though). No-one helps us with DD either.
I will be checking up on that fio/keane later....

well i had to laugh as my SIl who copes marvelously with her kids, offered to take my two to fetch milk from the co-op which is about 200 yards from my house. She came back about 30 mins later looking all hot flustered they had both ran off in opposite directions, but she did insist she didnt need the major buggy, so i couldnt help but laugh

Oh don't start me on this - both sets of grandparents are great with help - they both mind DS while we work it is just getting them to understand that he has some kind of condition - my mum just says 'he is no dofferent from any other kid his age' OK then why has the school called us in - she just will not accept that he is different - MIL just will not listen either saying 'he will grow out of it' even though I tried to explain that he won't and we will all just have to learn how to deal with it - also when we first thought there was a problem first step was to stop sweets/preservative etc.. my Mum is trying really hard to stick to this and I can always remind her and give off it DS got something he shoudn't have and she will listen but MIL just will not listen - still buts DS sweets/ice-cream etc.. even though hubby has said a few times to her. DS was with her yesterday first time over the easter hols and she bought him chewits and he also had ice-cream!!!!!!!!!!NO NO NO and that is all we know about - to top it off DS has been sick (stomach bug - vomitting and runs) all over easter so he shouldn't have been given any diary products but will they listen NO Oh better stop now - and relax - I cannot wait til I stop work in July and then I will be able to control everything that passes his lips......!!!!!!!

Oops sorry just seen this (started another thread just like it) .. thread wars perhaps?

Shit - ignore that - wrong thread sorry

I think in our case it's not so much that the grandparent doesn't want to help with the grandchildren but more that she doesn't want to do anything to help me. She's quite happy to do these kinds of things for my sister, and is even looking after my neice for a week next year so that my sis and BIL can go away on holiday together. I don't begrudge them that help at all. My sister is lovely and deserves all the help she can get. I just think that if you're going to become involved with 1 grandchild then in the name of fairness at least you should be doing the same for the others. I wouldn't want an on-call babysitting service but I would at least like my boys to feel as though they are a part of the family. They haven't been invited to a single family occasion since they were born.

ROFL at the Matalan mugs. Nothing that fancy in our house, I'm afraid.

Hmm, have to say that my MIL is in many ways a godsend. She looks after dd every Friday while I am at work and will have her sometimes for a weekend, even for a week while we went on our honeymoon last year. To be honest we wouldn't have anywhere near the level of freedom we have if it weren't for her.

BUT, it does also mean that my MIL is rather more involved in my life than I would particularly like her to be. And it does mean I feel somewhat beholden to her. She is quite a domineering woman in some ways and I often feel that when she is around I lose control over my own home and daughter. For example, this morning I went in to get dd up, who had been awake for about an hour, seemed happy enough doing monkey impressions, but it was about the time I normally get her up. And MIL said 'you're not getting her up are you? she's fine, leave her there'. So I left her, and then simmered for about 10 minutes thinking "I am perfectly capable of deciding when to get my own dd up". I should of course, just say, but because I am so aware of how much help she does give us I am always really reluctant to cause any discord. Its a tiny thing, but every week there are about 4 or 5 'moments' like this and every time I bite my tongue and it does make me tense.

Of course, on balance I totally appreciate that it is far preferable to have the help and support we do rather than be in the position of some of the rest of you who get no support. And I do appreciate it massively. But I suppose I am just mentioning that the support itself can add to the stress even when it is given with the best intentions.

Hi. I'm new to this, as DS has just had AS confirmed (by GP- paediatrics told him but not us, although he has re-referred us to sort the mess out) after many years of us thinking 'probably'. His nursery education at a Montessori clouded it somewhat (recommend it to anyone with AS, it seems to suit) but we always knew somethiing was wrong...

Anyway, my DH and I were just discussing this. We know we need help from family as we have two other sons (DS1 with AS is 5, DS2 4 and DS£ is 20 months. trouble is, my Mum and Dad refuse to accept it- 'any kid has some AS symptoms', MIL has issues herself anyway and can't ever imagine anyone has it worse (eg, when DS1 was particularly bad and DH had probs at work, DH was out on antidepressants. MIL texted to say 'What problems have you got anyway? You're so wrapped up in yourself'). FIL loves kids, but just left MIL after 35 years to set up home with a woman I have met once and I think might be a little unsuitable to babysit.

Should we front up to my Mum and MIL and say, 'Look we NEED help- we're exhausted, he has 5 hours sleep a night and the whole family needs a break. PLEASE help', or would we be ebtter off battling on and not begging? Now we have a firm diagnosis, will it be easier for us to deal with, or will it be easier for them to understand we need help?