What age does it get better?

[Jimjams]

Pondering this with a friend. Just curious.

Something that normal people with kids have said to me when they're not thinking properly is "don't worry it gets much easier when they get older" I normally just laugh and say "err no it won't"

Anyway was chatting to a friend the other day about our lives and limitations and I said I thought it would get a bit easier as the kids get older as the younger ones will become more independent (she has a 4 year old as well as an auti dd, I have a 3 year old and a baby as well as ds1). She didn't think it would get any easier as you'd still have the older autistic ones to deal with and they're still going to require constant watching and wil still make it diffiucult to go anywhere, and they will still be demanding that everything is "just right" etc. i think a lot of my difficulties in mixing daily life with ds1 are because I have other young children who require a lot of attention and I can't supervise all of them, so I would imagine once they're more independent I will oce again have the time to give to ds1 and will just have to satisfy his needs.

Any thoughts? Only I'm dreaming of escaping to a blacony overlooking the sea somewhere warm with a g and t right now That may be a long way off but it might be nice to think that a pub lunch or a coffee in a cafe would be possible at some stage!

keane (are you fio btw??) I don't mind the staring- it's just that ds1 isn't safe. We took him to the annual family bash a few months ago- restaurant in a hotel- private room booked- but he wouldn't go in the room for more than 5 seconds and we ended up taking it in turns to walk around the lobby (lifts to watch!) or the car park (cars obviously). I can't imagine a time when we'll all be able to sit down at the same table. However school did take him to a cafe last week and he sat very nicely- there was a train going round the ceiling. We were going to take him back- but glad we didn't as when mum took ds2 it wasn't working!

He can't cope with hotels (literally loses the plot- I think its because there are too many doors he can't see behind). Ends up clawing at the dooor screaming.

Hmmmmmm Who needs normality

Dingle - I think the chocolate is for the kids???!!!

But if there's any spare I could always CAT you my address!
Oh I could murder a choccie bar right now!

mmmmm....me too!

awww poor thing!

With dd the main problem is she freaks and is defensive about things being over bearing, things we wouldnt care about. Like tree's and fly's. Fly's, major problem in the summer. She literally has a complete panic attack if one comes anywhere near her. It is difficult but I imangine it being more difficult for you.

Her phsical problems always cause difficulty because she wants to join in with other kids and she really cannot do what they are doing. I also find it upsetting that other kids ask her why she is isnt talking and then start talking about her between themselves

Yes I am Fio

As I say, I think the main thing thathelps me is the school

aww poor thing, as in jimjams son wanting to see behind the doors! not Dingle craving for chocolate

I better not though...pinched dds Cadbury's creme egg last night out of the little cardboard easter basket she proudly brought home from nursery...which reminds me - I need to buy a replacement on the way home from work before she notices. Can't keep blaming the dog!!!!!

I know what you mean about school. Our stress levels have dropped significantly since ds1 started at his new school.

I bet jimjams. I am just hoping and praying they never close dd's school

I think things are starting to get a bit better for us. Ds1 is a different boy since starting school. He's a lot calmer since the sensory integration programme started and seems able to cope with change better. I thought we were heading for a major meltdown a couple of weeks ago when we got to the school and discovered that it had been closed because the heating system had broken down. Ds1's bottom lip started to quiver and he looked tearful but then seemed to accept that we would just have to go home. Ds2 was a different matter though and had meltdowns for most of the day.

In some ways it's actually easier having 2 on the spectrum. They both enjoy having the same routines and neither one seems to get jealous when the other one is getting my attention. Ds2 has actually picked up some language skills from ds1 - although it gets very confusing because he also mimics ds1's voice too. It's like having ds1 in stereo.

We have hardly any appointments for ds1 now as he gets SALT, OT etc via the school. We see the Paed every 6 months or so. The appointments are endless for ds2 though. We now have a big noticeboard in the kitchen so that we can keep track of everything. I'd still like a nice big filing cabinet to keep all the paperwork in though.

It must be a great feeling to know that you have the right setting and level of support for your child! It seems that that feeling will be a long time away, and that many fights are still to be fought.
Even though Amelia is at nursery 5 mornings a week now, I am still very unsure that she is in the right place/s and getting the help that she needs. Hence all the appointments! The "professionals" have visited her in both settings but as yet I have had no feedback!

Beccaboo, hijacking a bit here. The genetics info is hardly worth having. We had one years ago after DS's dx and then again before deciding to have DD. Thought it was worth going as new statstics may be available etc. Waste of time, nothing we couldn't find out from the internet. As for having a girl and not a boy, we decided not to find out and, although there's much less chance of problems with a girl I do have a sister with AS.... urk!
It does help if no 1 is at school as others have said. Although I find managing the school quite hard work. Not because of problems but because we have 2 "clinics" (team meetings) every term and a termly review. I'm also on the home-school liaison group, managing the parents' EGroup and help out with the Parents' Group etc etc. There is always something that needs to be done, something to read, something to send in....

Thanks Davros. It does seem a bit puzzling that they try to give counselling on the genetic 'risks' when they really don't know what causes it or why it's on the increase.

I agree about school etc being a lot of work. My ds is only at nursery, but there's already so much liaison, working out who does what, clinics, appointments, support groups and all the rest of it. I do find myself envying other mothers who have more time to do the nice things with their kids. Maybe we should bulk-order a load of filing cabinets for everyone on the SN board

I actually do have a filing cabinet for dd - well, nearly a whole drawer is devoted to her. I never would have believed my days as a PA would actually come in handy when it came to looking after my daughter!

I think I was lucky to have had NT children first. They do provide that extra set of eyes and ears. Eldest son is 12 and because of him I can manage trips to the park etc in holidays. I am aware of the pressure on him though. Just recently I was talking to dh about ds3's needs ruling our house. Ds1 was listening and said "Have you only just realised that"

It is easier that you can explain to a 12 year old in a way that you can't with a three year old but there are still many issues and I find meeting the needs of all of my children very hard.

I think it has been good for ds3 to have older siblings though, as when he was a toddler we had to do certain activites such as the school run which he found very hard to tolerate but had to get used to.

Jimjams Hopefully ds1's school will help pave the way for a peaceful if somewhat quick cup of coffee in a cafe one day.
I see that your ds1 has lost his passiveness. I remember the autism specialist ed psych saying when ds3 was four years old that he might be very passive now but that I should be prepared for the fact that he could grow to be a 12 year old with the behavior of a 2 year old.

Keane My yougest two are terrified of insects. Ds4 has picked up the fear from ds3. Today the house has been so hot but ds4 has been closing doors and crying for me to shut windows incase a fly gets in.

beccaboo We were told that the chances of having a child with a different learning/langauge difficulty were higher than having another with asd.

My ds isn't as bad as a lot of yours & I thought we'd sussed it. Life has been on a fairly even keel for a while, as long as he takes his tablets. Took him out last Sunday & realised that we hadn't actually made him do anything he didn't want to for a long time & that's why we 'd had no fights.

He is 15. He threw a massive wobbly in the car, kicking the back of my seat & screaming that we'd "tricked" him into going to London! (He then had a wonderful day at the Imperial War Museum...). I have had back problems all week, as he is now 5ft 10 & heavy with it.

But anyway on the whole it does get better because the NT kids don't need so much physical care and attention.

tallulah - poor you... when you weren't expecting it too. I hope you are OK.

Well I thought things would get better when ds's language skills improved - WRONG! He now tells dd to shut up at even the smallest thing (like she points out something of interest). I ask him why and he says "I don't want her to say that" but is unable to elaborate. I just feel as confused as ever.

Yesterday wasn't easy either - had been to the park for over 2 hours and had been trying to get ds to come home for about 1/2 hour. Eventually put dd in the car with a biscuit and tried to round up ds. He just kept running away, meanwhile dd eats the biscuit and climbs out the car. At one point I was screaming at ds to come and ended up sitting in the car crying.... this group of parents stood there gawping and didn't offer to help. Eventually a girl about 10 asked me if she could catch him which she did and I dragged him to the car (catching dd on the way). I was just lucky that he didn't kick the girl when she caught him. I don't know how to get him to come to me in these situations. He just seemed to think it was funny to run away from me.

We have the oppostie problem (5 mins in the park tops then back to the car). yesterday he surpprised me as I took him for a walk in the woods- usually he won't go under trees. But this time he did- right down to a steep bank next to a fast flowing river that he was determined to throw himself in. Complete nightmare. As I hadn't expected him to walk I hadn't taken his belt/harness thing with me. So I just had to hold him very tightly by the wrist. It is much easier with the harness and much safer. is that a possibility for you? I also find when he's been wearing it he gets used to be unable to run off so doesn't try.

The other thing is if his behavoiour is always like that you may have to consider only going if you can take him by himself. We really can't take ds1 anywhere much unless he has a 1:1. There are a few exceptions, but I wouldn't have tried yesterdays walk if I'd had ds2 ir ds3 with me. Is going out wiuth ds and dd independently a possibility? I know your dh does a lot of work on the house so it may be difficult

Having done not just an ABA prog but a proper Lovaas program with DS when he was very young one thing I know I can do is boom "come here" and he will come!! Its called SD control, ha ha! He certainly listens to me very well and, even under the greatest protest, will do what I ask. It is such a blessing as going out and about is pretty good, even though I need to supervise and manage carefully but I mostly don't worry too much about safety. A few years ago, if we were near water, that was a total no no, like Jimjams' DS, he would just want to get into it, very scary.

He's been quite good - had grown out of running away completely - I mean till he was just a dot on the horizon and is now quite aware of staying close. It's just ending a task/activity that he has a problem with. It is quite contextual and unfortunately a large number of children had arrived just when I wanted to leave and he got all excitable and wanted to play with them. Other times he will say OK and we just go. However he's becoming much more willing to talk to others which is nice but just another variable to deal with. Can't see him wearing a harness as he doesn't even like having his hand held. I may look into someone else coming along if the problem continues. Also see if Earlybird can come up with any suggestions. I know I didn't handle it very well in myself and was a bit hormonal.

Was at an information day today for families of SN children. It was wonderful - in a huge conference arena so didn't matter if ds ran amok. Bouncy castles, drumming and a creche - all free. I wish there could be something like this every week. Was also nice to see kids touching each other and shouting etc and no-one batting an eye.

Also got speaking to ds's lunchtime helper - she has a daughter aged 12 who has Aspergers. Gave me an insight into what to expect. She still has problems with friends. One time there were a few friends round and her mum found them alone and her daughter in bed - she woke her and she said "but I was tired".