Has anyone ever suspected an adult relative of having Aspergers?

[charleypops]

What did you do about it?

My sister and I are having been doing quite a bit of research into this and we are pretty sure my 38 year old brother has it. Obviously he has to be professionally diagnosed, which he has to ask for himself.

I don't know whether I should speak to him about it or not. I suspect he'll ignore me (he is incapable of speaking about his feelings), or it might even add to his anxieties. I don't think he'd even go to seek a diagnosis. I'm not sure anyway what good diagnosis would do.

I would like him to be happier than he is. He lives a very isolated life with no friends, never had a girlfriend and is percieved and taunted as being "weird". He does want a relationship with a woman and is constantly being let down by women he meets through the internet he arranes to meet (he's never actually had a date - I suspect they see him sat grinning and chattering to himself in the pub and leave before he sees them). He has had the same full time job for 20 years and has rigid habits, one of which is going to the pub 5 nights a week (where he sits alone), so he does get out.

Should I just but out and accept him the way he is or could his life be improved by being diagnosed?

Sorry for such a long post - I have spoken to the autistic society but they can't help me with anything like this until he's been diagnosed and can't give me any similar case histories.

Thanks Fennel! the more info the better.

Noddy, the potatoes thiing is so like my brother. If I call him and take too long on the phone and he wants to do something else his voice starts to "vibrate" and I know he's bouncing his leg up and down really fast in impatience

Come to think of it my brother has now started to look strange too He always keeps his hair v short military style and his shoes are polished to within an inch of their lives The more I think about it the more I think he needs some sort of help I know this is a miserable thought but what will happen to him as he gets older?

Dunno Noddy....

How old is he?

37

I imagine my brother (who's 38) will simply continue as he is whilst steadily sinking further into his "ways" and look/act stranger and stranger, as he has been doing forever. God knows what would would happen if he ever lost his job or flat.

That is my worry that he will become the local'weirdo'and people will start mistreating him this has started a bit already At times he seems ok and I wish he would meet someone etc but he never does

It's not nice Noddy. My brother has been in that postion all his life

Charley: Glad you've got some good responses here.

Our relative operates with a lot of insight, and I think that therapy has helped him a lot with this - but I also think that you have to have a degree of insight to recognise your need for therapy in the first place. I think he has put together a good life for himself as a means of devising a formal world structure that he understands and can live within - he has very rigid routines and social activities which I think makes him passably 'normal'.

I feel really guilty writing this about him! I love him to bits and feel v. protective of him. I don't think that he would put himself in this category. However, when me and DH read that novel (dog in the nighttime? Can't remember title) we both were struck by how it was exactly like this chap.

My middle sister certainly has AS and has admitted so herself but no dx. Unfortunately it is the nature of the disorder that someone with AS often won't see the point of dx or simply not care about it! I have to say that my sister is very unhappy and get herself in trouble all the time (losing jobs, debt etc). I think she would benefit greatly from a dx as understanding yourself can lead to greater self-tolerance.
I also know a man with AS who totally accepts his dx and, although he is extremely odd, I have seen him become more confident and tolerant of us NTs! I feel it has done him a lot of good to be in an enviromnent and group where his AS is not only known but acknowledged.

Well I may or may not have mild Aspergers (had some very confusing discussions with a psychologist treating me for OCD!) - with the upshot being that all I could get him to stick his neck out to was that I had "some Aspergers traits". My main problems are that I'm pretty awful at eye contact, at keeping a conversation going at times/interrupting in the right place, generally a bit lacking in social graces/smoothness, and can find it hard to tell people's emotions from their faces/sound of voice, and to know when people are joking. I'm pretty OK except when under stress - which was a bit of a problem at work as my pre-baby job was as a solicitor, which called for a lot of stress and "glossy" sociability - I kept being told I had the wrong demeanour, needed to be more dynamic etc by my bosses.

His view was that the difficulty with diagnosis was - where do you go from there - i.e. the general lack of services/support for people with Aspergers. Apparently there is nothing in my area for adults with Aspergers, so he felt that there would be no practical use to me looking for an official diagnosis. When my psych had a patient that he suspected had relatively severe (undiagnosed) Aspergers, one thing he did to try and help him was to "role play" social situations with him, so that he would do better in a social context. Would that be a possibility with your brother - that if it just didn't appear right to go down the diagnosis route, if you could try and help him out with social skills a little? Looking at a site like this can in many ways also help you get an idea of social niceties, I find.

It's a devilishly difficult situation tho - looking at things from your brother's point of view, if you don't feel that you fit into the mainstream it's a bit of a shock in many ways to feel that it's you that's out of synch, rather than the rest of the world.

I would agree with previous posters that the Cambridge Uni site/centre for Adult Aspergers is the best place dealing with this. In terms of online support groups, you wouldn't need an official DX to be accepted in these.

Coppertop - that was a very interesting comment about partners with similar traits - DH is a train and bus spotter

sorry about this post ending up being mostly a long ramble about myself.

MummytoSteven - Welcome back! I haven't 'seen' you for ages.

having a blissful hour by myself on library computers (DH in charge of Steven ) as I have an urgent e-mail ahem to send.... which I've not quite got round to yet.

have not been around much as PC World have managed to take 2 months to replace my laptop keyboard.

I know of a lady in Cambridgeshire with Aspergers . She has a really interesting website you may like to look at www.ratbag.demon.co.uk/anna/
Hope this helps

MP - I feel guilty too about writing about my brother like this behind his back

I know what book you mean - it's won a few awards. I'll have to get it. I didn't realise what the story was about.

I'm glad you've mentioned the word "insight", I think it's a word I've been subconsiously fishing for. I don't think he has any, but I can certainly ask him some questions that would give me a better idea.

Davros - I certainly (and maybe selfishly) feel a lot clearer and more comfortable now that I've finally been able to put a word to my brother's "problems", it's kind of taken away some of the "grubbiness" of my perception of him. God that sounds awful doesn't it. I don't expect you to know what I mean. I'd like to think that's at least what a dx (assuming that means diagnosis?) could do for him too, or at least a recognition and understanding of the way he is. I'm glad to hear you say the group has helped the man you know. Do you think your sister will be persuing a dx at some point?

MummytoSteven - you seem to have amazing insight! There's such a wide spectrum of symptoms isn't there? I have walked through the "behavioural" therapy in my head and how my brother might respond to it (ie, the role playing), but tbh, I can't see it working with him really. For instance even if he were to initially engage someone in a "normal" conversive situation using taught techniques, there is no way he'd be able to spontaneously keep the conversation going. At least, I don't think so. It's something I need to find out more about.

I am also fascinated by the partners thing. ASD is very interesting.

Thanks for that link Smileysarah - I'm off to have a look at it now

I doubt if my sister will ever pursue dx, she is too disorganised, too indifferent, too defensive etc etc. I know what you mean about realising yourself that your sibling has AS and how it changes your feelings towards them somewhat (not totally!). My other sister and I always felt at a total disadvantage with our (now know to be) AS sister as we just couldn't understand her or why she behaved like she did, why we couldn't make much impression on her except anger, now we know that she really doesn't care what we think or feel about her. It is a shame but its the truth. It was hard growing up with her as she was held up by both our parents as a shining light of perfection in every sense, although I think they liked her cleverness best, and she can't do anything much unless someone else tells her to so that also makes parents happy!

I also remember that anger was the only satisfying response I could invoke in my brother when we were little. I was therefore always very horrrible and bullying towards him (along with the rest of the world). I found him so frustrating, of course I'm wracked with guilt now. Mum and stepfather would always be defending him and next to him I appeared to be very naughty. Like your parents, I mine liked the way he was quiet, compliant and "studious".