School Refusal

[wingingit1987]

My 8 year old is currently awaiting an autism assessment- we are 1 year into a 3 year wait. He is very high functioning and generally manages ok once in school bar a few little adjustments- wanting to sit a line when working for example. But increasingly, it’s becoming so difficult to get him into school. It’s normally we who is here in the morning but some days my husband is also here, depending on his shifts. Even with both of us here it can be impossible.
Today, I was here alone. We other small children waiting to go to school/nursery, I have a little one in a pram and I’m pregnant. I had to literally try to bodily lift him out the door and he was lashing out the whole time. I eventually got him out the door but he lay on the stairs outside our house and refused to move. By this point, we were already very late and my 6 year old was upset about being late for school. I told him that even if he was to stay off, he would still need to come to the school to let me drop his sister off. He wouldn’t budge. I was struggling to lift him to even get him to stand as he was attacking me the whole time. My neighbour came out and offered to do the drop off for me, it was that bad. So, I’ve spent the morning in tears. It’s just not practical. The school are nice enough but short of them coming out and bodily lifting him up the hill to school with me, they can’t do much. They have offered him to start later etc.
When my husband is here it’s just the same- trying to open the car door when he is driving (if we can get him into the car), running away etc. But at least my husband can take the other ones to drop them off if we are both here.
This isn’t every day- some days he does go in ok. There is little rhyme or reason to when he does refuse though. We have already agreed with school that they will be lax about uniform, as he didn’t like the material. That he can come in later. That he can use the nurture room etc. but nothing will consistently get him in.

Has anyone had similar?

and generally manages ok once in school bar a few little adjustments

The school refusal suggests otherwise. If DS was managing OK in school, he wouldn’t be unable to attend. What you describe, signifies there are unmet needs. What support is the school providing? Does DS have an EHCP? Physically forcing DS may well cause further trauma.

Would DS use a wheelchair/SN buggy for the time you walk or would a taxi be an option? For the car, do you have child locks on the doors?

No- he wouldn’t use anything like a wheelchair. The issue isn’t the walking as he does the same when my husband is here with the car. He just refuses to go in.
The school doesn’t have a plan in place yet as they say he copes ok as long as he is at a desk on his own. They have offered to have him use the nurture space but he generally prefers being in class. I just can’t get him to go in. There is no rhyme or reason as to what triggers this on some mornings, when it isn’t an issue on others.

The school lacks understanding of DS’s needs. Sadly it is common. DS is not OK in school otherwise he wouldn’t be presenting as he is. The school just is seeing the signs or isn’t recognising them for what they are.

You should request an EHCNA yourself. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use.

Alongside this, request another meeting with the SENCO. The school needs to be providing more support.

I wasn’t suggesting walking was the sole issue. But think of it like a glass with little things resulting in liquid adding to the glass until you get to a point where the glass overflows. Looking at things like how you get to school can help many DC.

Totally agree … my youngest has always disliked going to school, he is almost 7.
After the 6 weeks last year, refusal kicked in and it was the ultimate crisis point.
He has been open to paediatrics since 3 for ND, finally receiving an official diagnosis of ADHD just before Xmas, autism still being explored. School were made aware before he even joined of his difficulties (sensory overload, emotional etc) it took me over 12 months to get a sensory diet put in place which became apparent wasn’t actually happening and even more so when complete refusal began. A lot was overlooked by school and it is about funding, sadly this is up and down the whole country. It’s very common for ND children as they get older to be able to deal less with the demands of the school environment.

I realised I had to stop putting the pressure on me to get him there and most importantly, the pressure on him when he was clearly very distressed. This will help you make progress because you will remember this isn’t your fault and it isn’t his. School need to listen and have a responsibility to work with you to accommodate his needs.

This half term has been the most successful my son has had since September, from hiding under the duvet screaming, lashing out, not leaving the house to going into school with a smile not one tear (albeit only for 1 hour at the moment, but it’s progress, he’s even spending time back in the classroom)
A Lovely mum on here told me months ago right now it feels like you have lost your child but you will get him back and slowly but surely I see that happening. I’m fortunate enough to have a relative take my eldest to school each morning but at one point, she was late most days because of the battle to get my youngest out of the door.

Also second this. I didn’t even know what the EHCNA was until I was told by another parent on here. No professionals had mentioned it, I did it myself and this is currently underway.
You have to do a lot of your own research and basically blow up inboxes and telephone lines, shouting until you are heard.

Thanks everyone. I honestly don’t know anyway round it just now as I need to get my other wee ones dropped off. I was just very fortunate my neighbour happened to have a days annual leave today and could help. It’s so stressful.

Struggling with transition in general could be a factor for him and some days are better than others. Do you fully break down the routine for the next morning the night before? Does he sleep well? Sleep is awful for my youngest and impacts the next day massively.

How would DS cope if you told him from the very beginning before he becomes dysregulated that he didn’t have to go to school and you would both drop other DC off and come home?

How is he leaving the house on weekend mornings and holidays?

How does DS cope with being away from you in situations other than school?

Have you tried a transition object?

If DS can’t attend school full time, is alternative provision is in place?

Sleep itself is ok but we need to give him a lot more time for actual bedtime as it can be tricky- so we start a lot sooner these days incase he does have a meltdown. And we go over plans with his- for example what will be happening each morning. He needs a lot of prompts so he knows what to expect.

I think he would likely be ok if he knew he could stay off but we are desperately trying to avoid that- we are trying so much to keep him to a routine of going in. He says himself he enjoys school and seeing his friends and can’t pinpoint what exactly it is that makes him anxious on these days about attending. It’s not every single day but it’s becoming more frequent. Some days we can work it out- for example, photo day. So we told him he didn’t need his photo taken. But other days he can’t work out what’s triggering this and neither can we.

He is generally ok leaving the house on weekends/holidays as it’s normally for something “fun” that he is excited about. I don’t take him to do things like food shopping or more mundane tasks- we have a large family so I generally avoid doing things like this with the kids.

He is fine with me being away from him in general- I work in the evenings and he is never upset at me leaving, or if I need to go somewhere.

He doesn’t have anything in particular he could use as a transition object. He has never been a child who was ever attached to toys or anything really- he has never shown an interest in any one object. His comfort is chewing his tshirt but he won’t do this in school- he is very aware of himself and masks very well. He is keen that his friends don’t realise he is struggling- to the point he wouldn’t use his ear defenders in school incase anyone noticed, even though he was struggling during a music event that went on one week.

The school haven’t discussed any alternative provision- they have offered him to start later, just come on for a few hours etc. We did explore homeschooling but I don’t know how practical this is when I’m going to have a newborn again soon plus a toddler at home during the day. I would worry I wasn’t giving him 100%.

My 4 year old daughter is also awaiting ASN assessment and is struggling massively with going into nursery despite being there for a year and a half. So, this is all adding to her anxiety and vice versa, I feel a bit like they set each other off some days.

I think this week has just felt a bit worse than others as I’ve been unwell in amongst it all and worried sick about potential complications with this pregnancy, so it’s likely been a bit like the straw that broke the camels back today.

Keeping a detailed diary will help you and school to spot triggers.

Chewing his T-shirts can be a sign of sensory needs. Has DS had an OT assessment? Would he chew something else in school e.g. a pencil topper.

The school needs to be providing more support.

Schools often won’t mention alternative provision. The use of ASN suggests you are perhaps in Scotland so rather than looking at IPSEA, have a look at Enquire’s website.

He hasn’t had an OT assessment yet. We had a pre-screening type assessment for the neurodevelopmental team back in late 2023 and put on a waiting list but haven’t had any input since then beyond using the clinical advice line. I’ve offered him things like the sensory necklaces but he won’t chew anything in school incase anyone notices. The school have said that once he is in school, he presents as absolutely fine and beyond having to sit on his own to focus on work, they don’t see what they can offer. They did offer access to the nurture room but my son has said he would rather just get on with his work after trying it for a few sessions. He does mask very well, I believe that he does present as fine in school and then he is falling apart when he is with us. But with the attendance issue they have offered things like him starting at a different time (which he refuses as it will draw more attention to him) or only coming in set days (again, son declines this as it’s only on the days he is anxious that he doesn’t want to attend rather than it being specific days).

Not all areas commission sensory OT on the NHS, but if your area does it is worth looking at a referral. In some areas, you can self refer. This is different to a referral for a neurodevelopmental assessment. Some people find the book the Out of Sync child helpful.

The school have said that once he is in school, he presents as absolutely fine
they don’t see what they can offer.
I believe that he does present as fine in school and then he is falling apart when he is with us.

This demonstrates they don’t understand DS’s needs. The appearing to be fine (they aren’t actually) at school and exploding at home is known as the coke bottle effect and signifies unmet needs at school. If school was easier, home-life and the mornings would improve too. If the school doesn’t understand what support DS requires, they need to ask for outside advice.