Letting DS underperform am I terrible parent?

[AuntieBsBramble]

Not sure if I will get a more sympathetic hearing in SN kids or secondary education. I have two children. DD is elder and had significant problems at school since day one. She has EHCP and diagnosis of dyslexia, dyscalculia, ADHD - psychiatrist also thinks autism. Also depression/anxiety. She barely attended any lessons at secondary (had panic attacks going near them) but through shit loads of support and antidepressants she turned things around in Y11, took handful of GCSES and did really well.

DS is way more obviously ADHD than DD + slow processing maybe other things. Every teachers meeting we have had mentioned something about his lack of focus. But he copes, he does go to lessons, and he is getting okay results
He knows all help DD gets - I have offered him similar and asked if he wants to pursue a diagnosis, he says he doesn't. He is happy, he'll get good enough GCSEs for A level. Given DD experience I feel a bit sceptical about value of being good at school but I kind of think ADHD diagnosis would give him options even if we don't follow up extra time or medication.

Should I be pushing this harder with him?

Poll should be: to better GCSE results..

He probably could get mostly 8s and 9s with some interventions. Without he'll get a range of 6 to 8s. I think.

I’d listen to your son.

I’m not sure ‘allow’ is the right word. At DS’s age, you can’t force him to be assessed. 6-8s are still good grades. Try not to compare to DD. Better results at the expense of DS’s mental health wouldn’t be helpful either. I would just let him know the offer of seeking an assessment or further support is always there, as is the offer of you helping him with, e.g. organisation/revision.

Thank you both - that is what I think. Then I get a bit worried when people bang on about SEN kids not fulfilling their 'potential' - and worry I am letting my own prejudices about the education and exam system get in the way.