Struggling with my 12 month old - development concerns

[Kstar7]

My DS is 12 months old. It hurts me to say this, but the first year of his life has been the hardest year of mine.

Since day 1, following traumatic birth, we've dealt with major struggles with breastfeeding, sleeping, settling. In the early months he needed to be bounced or walked in the pram to fall asleep. Still struggles with sleep. He's now on solids and cows milk and feeding is generally OK.

By now we've spent thousands on lactation and sleep consultants, chiropractors, osteopaths, cranial therapy, allergy tests, books, courses.... nothing seems to make a difference. We were told it's the fourth trimester / 4 month sleep regression / high needs baby, etc, and that things will start to improve. They haven't.

He's also displaying the following behaviours which worry me, which follow a pattern from his birth, really:

Wants to be carried, but only facing out, so he can see everything. I cannot sit down while holding him, need to move constantly or he will scream and wriggle away. Doesn't like cuddles or affection.

He will not sit still, ever, not in a highchair or anyone's lap, or the floor, very restless, fidgety. I am not able to read him a book, or even when I sing to him, he will look for few seconds and move away.

Very short attention span and easily distracted, more than his peers.

Struggles with nappy changes, dressing, teeth brushing etc

Poor eye contact, especially up close.

Not much intrest in interaction with others, little back and forth communication. Is only intrested in me if i hold an object he wants or if he wants to be picked up and carried around.

Extremely sensory seeking with excessive movement, and always crawling / cruising along and touching things around him. We have to bathe together as if he's alone in the bath he's moving around, trying to stand up and touch the shower screen, tiles, anything really, and it's too dangerous.

High risk taking and not scared of anything (although I appreciate he is very young).

There are positives too, he does show some joint attention when something happens he will look at me (like if the microwave pings, he'll look at me like "what's that?"), he has some understanding of language and understands at least 5 words. Won't point, but looks in the right direction when I say these words. He's babbling and I think he's trying to say his first word.

I'm exhausted, overwhelmed and scared. I have recently been diagnosed with ADHD myself, and I suspect I'm on ASD spectrum too (although haven't been tested for that). That's a whole other story. But in the context of my diagnosis, DS's behaviour, and my gut feeling, I think DS might be ND too. Yes, I know he's too young for a diagnosis, please don't come for me, but I think there are a lot of indicators pointing this way. But it is not even the point of this post, I guess I just want to see if anyone has/had a child like mine or has any advice? I obviously love him dearly and it's heartbreaking watching him so dysregulated.

DS goes to nursery 3 days a week while I work. They noted he won't ever sit still and moves more that his peers, but no other concerns from them yet.

I paid for private Sensory Processing Assessment from OT, he observed DS but said he wants to come back again in few months when DS is older before writing a report, as he wasn't quite sure what to make of him yet as DS is so young. He did say we will have to "work on lowering state of arousal" though.

DS had a development review with HV at 9 months where he "failed" on communication. We're due another review in few weeks, DS still can't do most of these things and will fail on communication and social/personal. I spoke with HV who said they wouldn't even be able to refer him to anyone until he is 2 years old, is this true?!

I saw GP few times over the year and he just keeps repeating that all babies develop differently, or that it's his temperament.

What else can I do while he is so young and nobody is taking my concerns seriously? What would you do if you were me?

I've been through some hard things in my life, but this is the first time I'm really not sure if I'm going to make it.

I have a wonderful DP who is fully involved and supportive, but it feels like we're both giving 100% but don't see any effects of it.

Sorry it's so long, not sure if anyone made it here - but if so, I'd appreciate any comments.

@Hydrangea60 he sounds like he’s doing brilliantly, just a little slower on the speech but really sounds like there’s progress there too? Was he babbling or using any words at 13 months?

Hi everyone! Apologies to everyone who commented for responding so late. I saw some notifications pop up but to be honest sometimes I just find it hard to think / talk about it all.

But it's my thread and my life, so here it goes. DS is now 27 months and has made a lot of progress since my first post, but in a way he's a 2 year old version of who he was at 2 months or 12 months old.

As i mentioned few months ago, his communication is now very good for his age. He often speaks in sentences and can express what he needs, like "I want a banana and a cup of tea and watch Peppa Pig", or "go outside to see waterfall" (he's obsessed with water and waterfalls etc), or "no washie in the hair" as he really hates having his hair washed in the bath! Or my favourite "mummy cuddle", "mummy play cars with me" etc. It's great to hear him talk as I had big concerns about that and he only had couple of words until 16 months old. Sometimes we have little conversations but back and forth chats are still quite limited but in general i'm happy with his progress in this area. His understanding is great too and he picks new words/skills up quite easily.

He also shows much more intrest in others than he did before - he will often come up and want to play with me or his dad (but usually it's only on his terms and the "play" is very short as he gets easily distracted). He absolutely loves other children and will go up to them and try to engage with them. He doesn't really know what to do (i know he's very young though), and nursery is working with him on building relationships as they say he wants to play with other children but will often scare them away as he gets too "intense" and doesn't recognise personal boundries and will get physical (not in an aggresive way but just trying to get their attention). He also copies everything other children do - good and bad. That's another thing nursery picked up on. I know copying is normal but he does it to an extreme level. But despite this he made some little friends at nursery and is generally quite well liked i think. He shows a lot of compassion, if another child cries in nursery, he'll often want to give them a cuddle and shows concern. He likes nursery but struggles with carpet time and sitting still (not much of that required at this age though). He does not engage in any "quiet" activities, like arts or crafts or drawing. He's just not intrested and can't sit long enough to engage it in. Luckily they spend a lot of time outside, which is his favourite thing.

The biggest issues are, and have always been, hyperactivity, sensory seeking behaviours, implusivity and lack of attention span. Especially his sensory seeking is difficult for as a family. If we go anywhere, he needs to touch everything. It's hard to explain or understand unless you have a child like this. For example if we try to go out to eat, he needs to touch and hold and pull down every item like cutlery, menus, salt and pepper, tablecloth - he won't just sit and relax, no chance. Then he'll try to go around and push all furniture, pull any cables, switch the lights on/off. Open all doors he can find and then he will always try to find the exit and run away. I was waiting for my perscription in a pharmacy few weeks ago, and he's just pull everything from the shelves. When i tried to stop him he'd just scream and drop to the floor. Of course lots of people tutting at me and staring. We had to leave without my perscription. Any type of environment where you have to be still or wait is unbearable for my son. I know toddlers are not the most patient creatures, but I think the frequency and intensity of my son's behavour means he struggles more than average. Another time we were asked to leave a shop as the shop assistant said that "i couldn't control my naughty child". That was a low point. For a few hours afterwards i was quite shell shocked and quiet - my DS could tell something was wrong and told me "mummy I miss you" - just thinking about it now makes me want to cry again.

DS has some more sensory issues and loves tight spaces and deep pressure; he is always on the move and always more intrested in his environment than the activity itself. We really had to adap our life as a family to just do what DS can currently cope with as otherwise it's too stressful for everyone. He is (and will remain!) an only child so we can just focus on his needs.

I could probably write a lot more about what we're doing / seeking help, but wanted to focus on how he's doing right now and it's already way too long. Not sure if anyone made it to the end, think my ADHD just means i sometimes waffle on. Oh yeah, i do think he's ADHD (and maybe ASD too).

Thanks everyone for your comments, it helps me to feel less lonely in this "unique" parenting journey. I hope it gives some comfort to those with children younger than my son - even though my DS has some struggles, he's doing SO much better than he did even few months ago and is constatly progressing and we're adapting as he's parents. He's a very happy, loving and loved little boy!

I understand how hard this can feel, please always remember things can change and you're not alone, you're not a bad parent, some children have more sensitive nervous systems and you'll learn what they need and how to support them. Hugs to you all, please feel free to leave comments or reach out if and when you want to :)

@Kstar7 thabkyou SO much for such a thoughtful response and not minding sharing an update. It’s really helpful to hear other peoples experiences who are ahead in this difficult game of parenting. I only hope my daughter picks up some language soon as I dream of having conversations with her. She’s only 13 months so it’s far too early for that but her communication has always been ‘off’. She didn’t coo as other babies did, didn’t babble until 8.5 months and then just dadada. Since then it’s been on and off, limited in its variation and generally she’s either silent or screaching in protest (of most things!). Do you remember when your little boy had his first word? I do hope the sensory stuff calms down for you a bit, he sounds like such a lovely little boy, but I can appreciate how hard it is taking him out . This is already happening with my little one, she’s less and less likely to accept any high chair time when we’re out and screeches when she can’t get her own way. I hate the stares already and I can see that getting worse as she grows. Anyway, all we can do is wait and hope and support them (doesn’t make my anxiety any easier though!). Really pleased to hear of the positive progress with your little boy, he sounds amazing x

@EmCandIndi thank you:) I think my son's first word was "nana" (banana) at about 10 months and he'd get super excited seeing bananas in the shops shouting "nana!!!nana!!!". Then he started saying "up" around 12 months i think.... and nothing else for a while. But when he joined toddler room at nursery at 14/15 months, i think that really helped his speech develop soon after. He didn't babble much either and we were referred for a hearing test (which we had to repeat after 3 months but esentially was all good). I'd recomnend pushing for that if your child's speech is behind as it's a first step before any speech and language help is given.

Apologies, don't remember if you saud before but how are your daughter's gestures? My son started pointing when he just turned 13 months and loved pointing at everything and also waving at everything and everyone for a few months, which was reassuring.

I don't think he had any words at 13 months (how first word was cat but I can't remember when that was now). He was definitely babbling though, he still babbles a lot now but not really many proper words. He can communicate in his own way though so I think there has been progress.

It's hard to know whether he needs any additional support now or whether we wait a bit longer. I'm seeing a perinatal mental health charity and they suggested he's just focusing on other skills at the moment so hopefully that's the case.

@EmCandIndi / jumping on to say I have worries with my 12m who failed all categories on the 1yr ASQ.
hardly babbling, no joint attention, no gestures (so more on the social / communication side)
so am keen to follow along your journey too

Hi @WorriedMama2025 it’s so hard, isn’t it. I find the days so long with a 13 month who hardly babbles a sound but is great at screeching a tantrum. She can wave and clap and does point if I say ‘where’s the…’ so I know she understands words. She never points for interest and looks back to me. She can and does wave sometimes but it’s not a lot and not usually spontaneous . She will play peek a boo so I think that’s some evidence of joint attention but otherwise doesn’t exhibit much at all. If anything, her babbling has gone backwards and she’s quieter than ever. Her motor skills are fine in that she’s walking since 12 months. How about your little one? Walking / crawling?

@EmCandIndi your LO is much more advanced than mine!!
just started pulling up stand (does crawl, crawled since 9.5m)

they are all so different aren’t they. I suppose to summarise my little one, she’s just mostly silent at 13 months apart from screeching tantrums. She has babbled, I have heard good dadad’s , nananana, rarara’s but they were late (9months), been very inconsistent and seem much less than ever in the past few weeks, when speech should be developing (I thought). I care less about actual words than I do about th reluctance to use her voice. And she can be very deadpan, I don’t see facial expressions other than sometimes a smile. People often mistake her as having just woken from a nap or being tired, but it’s just the lack of joy look on her face. Sending my very best to you, the waiting and worrying and speculating is the worst 😩