Are all secondary schools awful for autistic kids?

[AnonymousMum37]

I'm torn. My daughter is in y5 at the moment, she was recently diagnosed as autistic. She has significant sensory differences and uses chewellery all day at school, has a fidget band on her chair and is permitted to wear leggings and trainers for sensory reasons. She has intense special interests in particular animals and the environment. She stims by flapping her hands, biting her cheeks and repeating sounds like "bibidy" and screeching. She is very academic but has processing difficulties and needs extra time to complete work.

She is a overall a bright and quirky girl, who is currently happy and confident being her unique self. She has a good group of friends who accept her as she is.

The plan has always been for her to follow her sibling to secondary which is in my opinion a good school for her and in general. It has a sensory friendly uniform and good pastoral support. My son is very happy there. However, 99% of the kids in her class will go to a different school. (Both local state schools, but we live on a border and our catchment differs from most of her friends).

I feel like she's been lucky to find such a lovely group of kids in her class. I worry about her starting secondary without friends because as wonderful as she is, she stands out in a crowd. Her current teacher said she is popular "because she is so self confident and kind" which is lovely, but I can't help secretly worry if a new group of preteen kids will feel the same way about a girl who, for instance, has some intense conversation topics that are very young for her age and others that are more commonly discussed by middle aged birdwatchers! Who wears a chewy necklace and ear defenders with cat ears. And who has been known to refuse to sit by someone who is wearing deodorant because they smell awful, and refuses invites to friends' houses because "they smell wrong"...

She wants to follow her brother and is confident she'll make new friends. But.. I don't want kids to crush her spirit. Maybe times have changed but I got bullied in secondary and I wasn't nearly as noticeably "different" as my daughter.

On the other hand, the school her friends will likely go to doesn't have a great reputation either, and the uniform is a blazer which she would struggle to wear. But she'd have her nice accepting group of friends.

I'm not sure what to do or which way to encourage her? Has anyone got any experience? Will secondary kids eat her alive?

Not all schools are horrendous.

I wouldn’t make decisions solely based on friendships. They can change significantly in secondary school. Some teens can be brutal at times, even previously nice ones.

Have you visited the other school and spoken to the SENCO? Have you spoken to the SENCO at DS’s school?

Does DD have an EHCP?

Thank you. You're right, it could all change friendship wise and I also worry that if her current friendships change in secondary that could maybe be worse as she wouldn't understand.

She doesn't have an EHCP and I don't think she's meet the threshold for one. It's on my radar that she might need one at secondary, but an SEN advocacy service told me she won't get help proactively, unfortunately it's a reactive system and they will need to see if she copes before putting anything more formal in place.

I haven't spoken to either SENCO yet but it's on my list of things to do.

I wouldn’t rule out requesting an EHCNA. Case law shows as DC approach transitions, the upcoming transition should be considered. It isn’t just about the immediate situation. When looking at whether to assess or not the relevant case is Buckinghamshire v HW [2013] UKUT 470 (AAC) if you want to read it. Be careful with advocates. Some are very good. However, it is not a regulated business and some are very poor.

Although I also suspect DD would benefit from (in the true sense of the phrase rather than the woolly meaning LAs often write in EHCPs) additional support now. For example, sensory integration OT and SALT.

As BrightYellowTrain says, I wouldn't base secondary decisions on Yr5 friendships. It's common for primary friendships to fizzle out at secondary regardless of SEN. Also, as DC move around classes at secondary there's no guarantee she would be in the same classes anyway.

It can be good for DC to have friendships outside of school. There's no reason why she can't keep in touch with her primary friends but yes, it does require more effort.
I would be more concerned about how she's going to transition and be supported at secondary.

As a minimum I would be starting to make a list of things to ask the Senco at the secondary she's most likely to be attending. Hopefully the Senco will agree to a meeting but some don't as they're so busy trying to support the DC already at the school.
Does the school have a space for DC to go to at break/lunchtimes if they're struggling? What sort of clubs do they have? (Your DS may know this already or you can sometimes find this on their website.)

I do think, given what you've said about your DD that she could benefit from an EHCP needs assessment. Has she ever been seen by Speech and Language or OT?
SALT includes social communication. For example, my DS has a vocabulary far in advance of his years but he can't really hold a proper conversation. He just monologues about his specialist interests. In his SALT sessions at school they do small group work to try and model conversation.

I applied for an EHCP when my DS was in Yr5. As BrightYellowTrain says, I also used concerns around his transfer to secondary as evidence.
Don't be fobbed off by people saying she's 'too bright' or 'not academically behind' enough to qualify for one. I know of DC at grammar schools with an EHCP. It's not just about academical ability but how a DC needs to be supported in order to achieve certain outcomes which can also be social communication, gaining independence etc.

If school won't support you in an application, you can do it yourself. The IPSEA website has some good resources and people on this board are very helpful and generous with their time and experience.

Have to agree with previous posters. Pre-teen friendship groups can change hugely, even during year 7.

As for bullying / fitting in, it’s hard to predict. Depending on the size of school she’s unlikely to be the only kid with ear defenders. They are becoming more common in schools.

I’ve worked in high schools for 20 years and seen some autistic kids really struggle and some really do well and others have some bad times and some good times.

From the synopsis you’ve given I think the personal comments about people smelling are going to be the deal breaker. Can you work on some social stories with her to help her understand how these comments affect others?

I wouldn't decide purely on friendship for the reasons given above.

In terms of autism and secondary in general I have to say my son preferred it to primary school, as it provided a more ordered, structured environment which suited him. It's not always a disaster for an academic autistic child (though of course it can be). He did also make friends, which is not easy for him due to a reluctance to talk to people he doesn't know.

Personally I wouldn't expose my kid to mainstream school, anyone saying "not all schools are horrendous" - I'm not sure what they are basing that on? So many schools fail at the pastoral care level of keeping your children safe or taking action when your child is attacked/harrassed/stalked. You don't want to know what neurotypical children's parents think about neirodivergent children and their kids having to "put up with them" 😑 there's actually threads on mumsnet with people calling neurodivergent kids "dpoilt little shits" and describing how they need "disciplined" as they "shouldn't get away with stuff"

You have your experience of HS, and describe it as unpleasant- literally millions of people will agree - I feel like the only people disagreeing are probably the ones who made life unpleasant for the majority at school. I personally never had much issues, odd fall out with friends the usual boy related nonsense, however I do not remember fondly anything about it, I was "high functioning" and the absolute g.o.a.t at masking- I had strange interests and could talk you to sleep on oap topics or very babyish stuff. I even had at least 5 very close friends that were between 60 -80 years old outwith school 🙄 but after witnessing the absolute carnage that anyone even mildly different experienced I learned real quick to mask and shut tf up. That definitely crushed my spirit and even now I'm still recovering, my mother was unfortunately a "non believer" in autism/general neurodivergence so was absolutely not available for help or support and secured me none via school. The one time I approached her, she told me to "just get a grip" I cut her out of my life at 17 and left home so I wouldn't be forced to attend school any longer (A + pupil high achiever) just because of the other kids tbh. Or have to deal with her absolutely disgraceful parenting.
It was not an environment to thrive in, it was a place I survived for 5 years and I'm still in recovery and therapy 6 years later 😂 I'm sure there's is someone somewhere that has an actual positive experience in a mainstream HS - I've yet to meet them.

I hope your daughter has a good experience!!! Everyone deserves it!!!!

anyone saying "not all schools are horrendous" - I'm not sure what they are basing that on?

Years upon years of supporting parents with disabled DC and personal experience with my own DC.

“So many” schools isn’t the same thing as “all”.

I feel like the only people disagreeing are probably the ones who made life unpleasant for the majority at school.

Bullshit. What an ‘unpleasant’ sweeping generalisation. I say it as an autistic adult who was bullied at school. I certainly didn’t make life unpleasant for others. But I know while many experience/d similar to me, not all do and not all schools are horrendous. I'm sorry your experience has left you unable to see that experience isn't universal for all.