Should I tell DD she's on a waiting list for ASD assessment?

[rosa24]

My 11 year old DD is really struggling at the moment. We're one year into a waiting list for an ASD assessment, although I have been raising my concerns about her development with our doctor and school since she was 4 years old. Finally when she got into Y6, her teacher started to recognise some of the behaviours we have to deal with at home and my doctor finally agreed to refer her.

When she was little, I had no idea what the issue was, only that she seemed very different to other children I knew but the older she gets and the more I read about it, the more I am convinced she is autistic. Along with sensory sensitivities, she really struggles in particular with social situations and is finding herself in conflict with her friends all of the time at the moment. I love her with all of my heart but she can come across as being quite arsy (for want of a better description!), she often takes things the wrong way and can take offence so quickly. I work with teenagers so I know what preteens and teenagers can be like but my DD is different.

Today she has gotten into a big row with two of her friends over text because of the way she had come across - reading the conversation I can see why her friends have fallen out with her and I've tried to explain to her yet again that she needs to work on her tone but she just can't get it. She's now crying, asking again what is wrong with her and why no one understands her.

Would I be wrong to tell her that we are waiting for an ASD assessment? Her dad has been recently diagnosed as autistic so she has some awareness of what it is. It breaks my heart to see her struggling so much and calling herself a weirdo. I accept that she may not have autism and I might be wrong but with everything that's going on with her, I don't see how she can't be. Maybe if we can put a name to the ways she acts and feels and she can relate to her dad, she might not feel so alone.

Please be gentle with me, I feel a bit hopeless at the moment. It seems like it has been one long battle to get anyone to take us seriously since she was a toddler.. Thank you

I wouldn’t tell her as a reason she’s struggling now. How will that be a positive realisation if it is true and if it isn’t how does she process the aftermath of it not being because ASD. I do think you need to tell her and ask her if she wants to be assessed but I’d wait for a better time.

Yes, I would tell DD she is waiting for an autism assessment.

Thank you for your responses, i appreciate them. I think I'll have a chat with DH and if he agrees, we'll tell her that we're waiting for an assessment. Thank you!

I agree with telling her but waiting for a better time.

We started off by talking about people we knew or celebrities who were ND and were successful.

In the meantime, do you think a book like this one might help her?

Thank you so much for this book recommendation, it looks great! I really appreciate it

It may help to look into Damien Milton's Double Empathy theory first - in short the idea that autistic social skills are different, but not necessarily worse (or better). From that you can talk about learning how to interact more effectively with neurotypicals rather than about learning how to interact better. In self-confidence and happiness terms it's the difference between saying 'You're talking French and that's all wrong, you should be talking Japanese' vs saying 'French is a beautiful language, but most of the time other people can only speak Japanese so life will be easier if you learn it. And, yes, neurotypicals should learn to speak autistic too, but that's a bigger battle to fight.

I've not heard of that @SalmonWellington. I'll look into it too