Is it ever okay to tell someone you think their child may be ND?

[C0l3tt]

Hi everyone, the child in question is my niece. I have experience with neurodivergence myself as my 6 year old son has ASD. Knowing what I know now about our lives and how long it’s taken (and still is taking) to get him the right help, I believe I’d have liked someone to have said something to me sooner.

Anyway, me and my partner both believe our niece could also be autistic but don’t know if we should or how we should approach my partners sister with it. A little about my niece she is 3.5 years old. She absolutely despises other children, doesn’t like even being in the same room as them, doesn’t like any of my children, doesn’t even like them looking at her etc.

She struggles really badly with any sort of noise, not only just loud or unexpected but pretty much any noise. She will scream and shake on the spot having what I describe (after seeing the same with my son) as a meltdown, not tantrum. When they visit we have to hide all toys that make noises, a singing Barbie doll, a fire truck with sirens, you get the picture. There was a baby crying faintly in the distance of a tesco the other week and my niece was screaming on the floor over it.

I think they believe as she speaks very well she couldn’t possibly have ASD. I say this because my son is very much delayed with his speech and is pretty much non communicative. So because she isn’t like my son, I believe they think there’s no ND there. In my experience and opinion though her speech has always been almost too good. She speaks, and has spoken for some time, like a fully grown adult.

Because of how she is my sister in law has completely avoided any places with other children which I believe has only added fuel to the fire so to speak. She hasn’t been to soft plays, parks etc in over a year. They haven’t used their free hours at a nursery either and are waiting until reception before she goes in to any setting with other children.

She also walks constantly on her tip toes, will randomly come out with inappropriate things such as telling her grandma she hates her when she’s done nothing wrong. Collectively I think it all adds up and raises several red flags.

Please don’t think I’m here bitching about my niece, I love the girl to pieces, this all only comes from a place of concern because they are due another baby next month and I genuinely worry they’re going to struggle. I know first hand how much it effing SUCKS to hear the words ‘might be autistic’ but I also know how hard it is to get help and how long waiting lists are etc. I also know how that it’s not the end of the world, my son is amazing and has come on tremendously.

Just after a little advice on how to go about this? Or do we just say nothing?

In my personal experience no. However as she’s your sister in law your partner may feel more comfortable speaking to her as he’s directly related to them. I’m assuming his sister? If so maybe a quiet word otherwise when she goes to reception the school will let them know of any concerns and they can go from there. Maybe they are avoiding it a little bit because they won’t use their childcare hours maybe they are worried a professional will pick up on it in a childcare setting alongside the fact she’s not keen on other kids. Hopefully a professional does pick up on any concerns when she goes to school.

So an only child who spends much of her time with adults with good communication who doesn’t like noise? I can’t see “autism” in your description but I have known many onlys whose parents pander to their likes and dislikes so may be bias. I think the biggest flag that she might be nd is that she has a cousin who is but that’s a VERY small increase in probability. What’s more likely (though also not necessarily true £) is that having one autistic child you are now seeing autistic traits everywhere. I think that is fairly common.
Because of all that I really wouldn’t suggest any armchair diagnosis. What you could do is suggest strategies to help your niece when she is struggling and support her so she can join in as much as possible.

Oh for sure we just want to support her. I spoke to my partner about it and said we at the very least would love to ask what we can do to help make sure she gets the most fun out of family gatherings as she can. Because at the moment as I have 3 children she does not enjoy them whatsoever.

When I say noise btw I really mean every noise possible even if it’s quiet, even if she knows a toy is playing in a room upstairs she screams at the top of her lungs, I’ve never seen another child react quite like that. It’s not just noise from other children, which of course I’d understand with her being an only child, but a sound board book of animal noises being played with by a child across the room, I’ve never come across it.

I’m happy to be wrong obviously, I don’t want any child to struggle like mine has and will continue to throughout his life, but I just know how important it is to try and get support as early as possible. Like you say though, maybe I spot traits everywhere as I have an ASD child of my own, but who knows.

I worry the most about her when she starts school, I have offered for her to come round and spend time with my children as much as she’d like to get used to it but of course that comes with complications as my children have become somewhat wary of her, she’s gone to hit them a few times.

Could you not just go to the playground or feed the ducks or whatever?

They won’t do this as they try to avoid every situation in public as possible with her. I think half the problem is she hasn’t actually had the exposure. They’ve avoided every situation that may upset her so much so that in return it’s made her anxieties/worries with other children worse.

I wouldn’t say anything. They are probably already aware of their DD’s difficulties.

Really? The reason you see autism everywhere when you live for years with someone diagnosed is because you know all the nuances. The things other people put down to a kid being an only child, or being naughty or because their parents pander to them. I put my own kids' behaviour down to being an only child - he was diagnosed at 10.

There are actually a list of things in the OP's post that point to ASD, tip toe walking, extreme sensory issues with noise, melt downs, speaking like she's an adult, a complete dislike of other children, not to mention that it's in the family - and it does run in families. This is a child that doesn't go to nursery because of her issues, so there is no chance for them to even flag it up. From what the OP has said there would be no doubt in my mind that this is a child that will be diagnosed at some point in the future.

I would leave this one up to your DH to be honest OP, as it's his sister. Do you think she would listen? The fact that their dd is able to speak is neither here nor there, it sounds like she is going to struggle immensely when she starts school.

@Gem359 Really? The reason you see autism everywhere when you live for years with someone diagnosed is because you know all the nuances.

No I don’t agree. I should have said my child is autistic. My experience is that people become hyper aware and that they do see it everywhere. It calms down as they settle into their child’s diagnosis (or their own) but of course they do know more about autism (particularly their child’s area in the spectrum)than someone without that experience.

I expect if she’s doing things for the first or first few times perhaps she does react more than a child who is acclimatised from an earlier age. It’s not necessarily a negative thing though. Long term she may do better having been sheltered more rather than pushed beyond her comfort zone.

I think the only thing you can maybe do is offer practical advice to meet needs eg "We've found ear defenders really helpful, have you thought about trying them?"

If your description is accurate, I would be very surprised if they don't suspect something is "different" about their child. If not, it will likely be noticed by a teacher once she starts school.

I have said to a close friend who was telling me about their child's difficulties at school "has school considered ADHD?" But this was someone who I'm very close with and they raised that their child was struggling. If your in laws don't open the conversation, I don't think you can raise it.

I've worked in education for 25 years and in Special Ed since 2011, and even I'm very hesitant to suggest to a family that their child might have a learning need or developmental delay. I just try and establish their needs in the context within which I work and operate in partnership with parents and the child to put in place structures and accommodations that support them.

You know the saying don't shoot the messenger- that is a probable outcome if you broach it and I suggest you try to support without being explicit about potential underlying reasons for her difficulties.