How would everybody else handle this situation?

[Lefmry]

So I’ll try and keep this short..

I have a 5 year old with ASD. He isn’t non verbal, more non conversational, lack of understanding, still in nappies for the most part etc etc. he is 97% of the time an angel, good as gold, wouldn’t hurt a fly at all and everybody knows this about him. He’s never been violent, a small handful of times during meltdowns due to frustration over not being able to communicate he has swiped out at me, but like I said I can maybe count on one hand the amount of times that’s happened.

My partners sister (my children’s auntie) has just never really liked him, she makes zero effort to understand him, has made awful backhanded comments about him sometimes. I know there’s no excuse for it really but I feel she really struggles to accept that he’s ‘different’. She has an almost 4 year old daughter who is quite the opposite to my son. She’s not very nice to be around, has gone to hit my younger son before, never likes them around her, doesn’t get on with any other children, hates her parents even so much as talking to my kids, she is quite possessive, doesn’t share etc. you’ll see why I’m describing her very soon.

Last weekend we had a family get together for my partners birthday and of course his sister and our niece were there alongside my 3 children. My son with ASD has a way of showing affection and saying hello by gently touching you on the chin, I’m talking it is the most gentlest touch on Earth, imagine a feather touching your skin, that is it.

He did this twice to my niece. The first time she screamed the house down and had a huge meltdown, I’m not sure what they said to her about it as I wasn’t in the room. Like I said, I’ve described how she is for a reason and also everybody is aware of what my son is like too and the ways he communicates. The second time he did it, she ran off screaming in to the kitchen and hit her mom over it, I’m not sure why, she seemed so angry over it, all I heard was them laughing at her outburst and her saying ‘next time he does it I’m gonna..’ and they laughed, not sure what she said, I can’t imagine it was pleasant.

I saw my partners sister a couple days ago, she came over our house and she mentioned how her daughter said all the way down here how she was hoping my son wasn’t here, that he’s a bully, she doesn’t like him, he makes her angry. I felt my heart sink, my son is amazing and in my eyes isn’t able to defend himself and doesn’t deserve to be thought about that way. Her mom found it funny and was chuckling over it, then went on to say it’s because he HIT her twice over the weekend. HIT?! HIT???? His gentle loving taps on the chin were being described as him hitting her. I was too stunned to speak.

I’m sorry this has ended up being super long and I’m so grateful if you’ve got this far but I just don’t know how to handle this situation? I understand completely that her daughter might not like my son in her space, she has a right to not want that but surely describing him as a bully and saying he’s hitting her is below the belt? I wondered if messaging asking how we could help her daughter understand better would help? Some people have said we should just point blank refuse to ever see them as this seems to happen every time, my son is blamed for all of her meltdowns and it’s just not fair. She is like it with other children too, my neurotypical toddler seems terrified of her, she hates him even looking in her direction.

I spoke to my partner about it yesterday and he is in complete agreement that it’s awful and he wants to say something but I just wanted some advice first on how others would approach this situation?

My son with ASD has a way of showing affection and saying hello by gently touching you on the chin

Her reaction was OTT, but he shouldn’t be allowed to do this to everyone and anyone, without checking they are ok with it first. That’s your role if he can’t.

No I do get this, it’s why I say she has a right not to want him to do it or be in her space completely I do respect that. However we have definitely, multiple times, spoken to her parents before about what he does and how he communicates and they’ve always said ‘oh it’s fine we know what he’s like’ so I thought it’s on them to talk to their daughter and if they themselves know she won’t like it, I thought they’d tell us? That way we’d be able to intervene before he did it? I just don’t find it very fair they’re saying it’s okay, but when he does it are calling him a bully and describing it as him hitting?

Challenge the “he hit her” very directly every time it’s said. He didn’t and it needs to be repositioned.
He may not touch her chin as she doesn’t like it. It’s important that you police that and don’t condone it.
Honestly I’m in a rush so I can’t post more but we had a very difficult dynamic between my children and another child and mum duo at one stage. I would just avoid them as much as possible to be honest.

It’s important to focus on the man your tiny son will one day become. Teach him to do something more universal to say hello to people who don’t like their faces touched. (Eg hand on chest and bow slightly)

Going forward, I would provide closer supervision when DS and DN are together. Some DC, especially 3 year olds, would interpret a gentle tap as a hit. You now know it distresses DN, so I would move to prevent DS from doing it. Just like DN’s parents should be supervising more closely to prevent DN going to your other DC.

Also, have you considered DN may have additional needs? If there is already ASD in the wider family, it is more likely. If this is the case, there is also the possibility your gentlest touch on earth could feel like a wallop. I have one such child. Even now as a teen. It isn’t something he can control any more than your DS can become NT. I do think you need to reframe DN’s behaviour. She is 3. You object to SIL describing DS negatively, but you have done the same thing here about DN.

I think the difference is I haven’t openly gone around her house and voiced any of this about her daughter physically to her face. I’m venting and asking for advice on a forum that’s made for this purpose. I wouldn’t ever dream of saying such things to her, never ever in a million years.

We have said there’s the possibility that my niece is also neurodivergent. It’s not something you could bring up to my partners sister though, she wouldn’t accept it so unfortunately it’s not something we could discuss with her, upsetting as I obviously understand.

We will have discussions though going forward how to best have get togethers in the future? I think no matter what I’ll be keeping a close eye on my son and making sure he doesn’t go too close to her.

Yes I understand you are venting and you may not physically say it, but does it come across in your actions/body language?

If you think DN may be ND, her reaction and behaviour needs to be considered in that light and could explain why DN screamed, ran off, seemed angry, perceived it as a hit and why she sees DS’s actions as she does. You can do this without ever bringing the possibility of DN being ND up with SIL.

Oh god no, I would never. I am super lovely to that girl, buy her presents whenever we see her, spoil her at Christmas/birthdays and spend ages on the floor playing with her when we see her. I would be shocked if it was coming across in my body language I truly would.

It is really difficult when there are conflicting needs and presentations.

I would tell her straight that you think it was in no way "bullying" and he was not hitting. Then follow with, however I will make sure DS keeps gives DN her personal space. Seems like DN really didn't like it and I think it would help the relationship between the two. I've let nasty and untrue comments slide before towards my own DS and I regret it. Next time I'm not going to be so passive.

We have similar issues between my 10 year old who is sensory seeking and my 16 year old who is sensory avoidant. Also between my 10 year old and my DN who is NT and finds my 10 year old annoying.

I do a lot of refereeing between my 10 and 16 year olds. Ds2 has to be reminded that ds5 doesn't understand and ds5 has to be reminded that we don't touch ds2 because it hurts him. With DN I just have a blanket ban for all the dc on anything that usually causes conflict (mainly the x box). Also we have a rule in our house that the only people who are allowed upstairs are people who live here, people who are here to fix things and people who work for the council (e.g. a social worker, family intervention, autism support team etc). So the dc know that they have a safe space when visitors get too much. My 10 year old wants to join in with things but most children his age find him weird and annoying so won't let him play with them. I spend a lot of time hovering and gently reminding ds that some children don't want to be hugged/picked up/forced to play with him. Also I avoid big family gatherings where there will be a lot of parents sitting around chatting and drinking wine while their toddlers play nicely together while I still have to watch my 10 year old like a hawk.