5 year old with ASD constantly pushing younger sibling over

[Lefmry]

I have no idea how to stop him or how to even ‘punish’ him. I don’t know why he does it, his brother is 20 months old and obviously cries when he is pushed over and my eldest with ASD runs off really scared and shocked when he hears his brother cry, so I don’t understand why he keeps doing it.

I have tried talking to him and explaining it’s not nice, I have tried sending him upstairs and locking the stair gate so he has to stay upstairs away from his brother, I have tried showing him his brothers face whilst he cries and saying it makes him sad, I’ve tried the obvious ‘NO’ but he simply does not understand. His speech is limited and his understanding even more so.

I don’t get it, he likes his younger brother, they were just on the sofa laughing together, 20 month old gets off, 3 minutes later 5 year old comes over and pushes him over, runs off upstairs with a terrified look on his face like he knows he’s done wrong or like he didn’t expect that reaction. I just wish I understood why he doesn’t but I don’t, it’s so unpredictable as well, he used to only do it ever so often but it’s daily atm and I’m so on edge during the day because of it and can’t ever leave them together.

Does anybody have any words of wisdom or advice? Any similar stories?

IN MY OPINION it’s an autistic equivalent of the dropping things off your highchair and watching them fall on repeat that toddlers do. What I would say is the more upsetting it is the more it will persist, because the scream/guilt/terror is what he’s trying to trigger. I would approach it as teaching him what to do, rather than what not to do. So perhaps watch carefully what happens before a push. When you can see any triggers get him to do something instead. Something he likes but takes enough time away from dc2 for the moment to have passed. Washing hands, getting a drink, hand gel, …. If possible something unremarkable that can be used without being too obvious to others and he can use in other situations. He doesn’t need to be told what it’s for. What you are doing is creating a self soothing behaviour for him to have in his tool kit.

My ds at the same stage used to smack my knee and say “no” on repeat. This is because I initially said “no” when he did it and he was so scared/shocked/upset (honestly it was a very gentle “no” not anything scary!)he just had to do it again and again and relive the trauma. (!!!!) It took several months to stop but is the only even slightly on purpose hurting ds has ever done.

Pushing can sometimes be a result of the child trying to meet their sensory needs. Providing something else that meets those needs can help. Some example you could try are lifting ‘heavy’ items, a weighted vest, a bodysok, steamroller, punchbag. You might find this booklet helpful.

My instinct was to ask if it’s sensory. Does he like opening and closing doors or drawers? Pushing swings? If so you might be better refocusing that need onto another stimulus.

My autistic daughter just liked to do the same thing over and over again. Once my dh, also ASD (very high functioning minor genius level, normally) couldn't stop touching a DVD player that kept giving him an electric shock. Maybe trying to replace little brother with something else that can be pushed over and make a noise?

This thread is helpful because my 13yo (sorry OP!) still does these kinds of things to get a reaction. There's definitely some desire to repeat the same negative thing. I'd be curious , @NellyBarney , can your husband explain why he felt the need to do that over and over? I'd just like to understand the thinking (or lack of thinking) behind it.

I think with ds now (adult) it’s that he’s rather get to the bad thing than wait for it. It’s the tension and suspense before the disaster he find intolerable.

@CardboardTube I think dh was fascinated as he was wondering whether the same thing would happen and then got a dopamine hit when it did - while most nt people get bored with the same thing happening as a consequence, most autistic people seem to find it extremely rewarding and satisfying. My guess would be that if OP's toddler would react very unpredictable to being pushed, like sometimes laughing, sometimes angrily pushing back, sometimes saying nothing, her ds would stop. I guess wanting to know what happens and then being extremely satisfied if the same thing happens again and again is what makes him do it.

Thank you - my son does love predictable responses (or trying to find patterns in unpredictable ones), so I guess that does make sense! Not sure how to make it stop though, once he's found something...