Advice please, ASD DD (no EHCP) refusing school

[User364837]

Dd is 9, diagnosis of autism. Very up and down and at times everything seems fine and she seems able to cope.

currently though she is hating school. Forever asking not to go, saying she won’t go. Things have escalated from her needing lots of cajoling to more recently running away from me at the school gate and then needing quite a lot of physical force/restraint from me to not run and away and go into the classroom. Today was me and the teacher propelling her forward through the door while she shouted “No”, it’s so horrible.

initially they said once she’s in she’s fine, but I’m not so sure as lately she’s coming out upset too. Hard to pin down why but I think it’s the environment, other children, the work being a bit too hard, and just wanting to stay at home.

Home schooling is not an option and I’m terrified if I let her stay off it will be a slippery slope.

But the amount of physical force I had to use this morning is sitting really uncomfortably with me and obviously can’t be the answer going forward.

what do I do? Previously school pooh poohed EHCP but then things have got worse since then so I think I need to ask again.

her dad, my XH has money - should I tell him we need a private Ed Psych assessment to see what’s going on for her in the classroom and what’s not working for her?

when we’re at school and she refuses to get out the car/go into the classroom what should I do? Sit and wait until she makes the decision herself to go in? We had a little joke getting her out the car today so that was ok but then as soon as we were in sight of the classroom she tried to bolt,

im worried absconding from school could be the next step.

Any advice or experience? Any referrals the school can make? Should we push for EHCP but also get private input in the mean time?

there are no schools close by, state SN or private that I immediately think would suit her better.

teacher and I have been taking a no nonsense “in you go” sort of approach, but I’m worried about the trauma and lasting effect forcing her in could have.

Talk to the teacher. What can really work is going in earlier and going into the classroom with her. Then slowly go later and later till you’re back at normal start time. It helps to have a job you are doing for the teacher.

Thank you
yes I should have said last week we started doing just that and it did help for the first week but it’s like this week the novelty has worn off and it’s worse than ever.

I did fail to get us there early today so will try harder with that again, but sometimes we arrive early then I can’t get her out of the car for a while.

I haven’t tried going in with her. We could try that I suppose.

What about coming home for lunch? Is that possible? Would having that break in the day at a time when kids with ASD often struggle a lot because of the lack of structure help? It means two shorter sessions then rather than one long day which really helped my DS with ASD at a similar age. Of course it might not work and might mean you have to struggle twice a day to get her in instead! But if it's a possibility it might be worth suggesting it to her. The school day can seem very long at that age.

Request an EHCNA yourself. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use. You don’t need the school to apply or agree.

In the meantime, if DD is unable to attend school, the LA has a duty to ensure she still receives a suitable full-time education.

Physically forcing DD in to an unsuitable overwhelming school environment may well cause further trauma.

What support is the school providing? What have they already tried? If your LA still has a specialist teaching service, has the school asked for their input?

An ed psych assessment will help. As would other assessments, such as OT and SALT assessments. However, if you are requesting an EHCNA, you need someone with SENDIST experience and anyone good will have a waiting list, so I wouldn’t wait for a report before requesting an EHCNA.

Oh the other thing I'd suggest is that you ask if school could get someone in from SENDIAS to observe your DD. DS's school did and the lady was brilliant, really experienced with lots of ideas. I would also definitely push for an EHCP now.

All these things are going to take time though which doesn't help right now. I would definitely get there early, go in with her and get her settled. Transitions can be really hard for kids with ASD and this might help.

Be careful with SENDIASS. Some are good, but many are not and repeat the LA’s unlawful policies and practices.

Teacher has messaged and said she’s fine today, lots of smiles and engaging in learning. But all I see is her distress at coming in and when she comes out. It’s so difficult to know if it’s “just” the transition but she says things like she can’t show how she really feels at school and has to keep her feelings in which is classic masking stuff.
I was going to say to the teacher I’m not comfortable with physically forcing her in but what’s the alternative?

Is DD really ‘fine’ in school? I would suggest not. Sometimes schools say this but the child is anything, but fine in school. The school just isn’t seeing it or recognising it for what it is.

The alternative is the school and LA providing more support and alternative provision.

Yes I agree that she most likely isn’t fine really. Something about school clearly isn’t working for her although I am glad she seemed to have a better day.

I meant really what’s the alternative to physically getting her in/stopping her running off, as that didn’t sit well with me today and is short sighted and not a good solution. But I think it’s waiting in the car and verbally encouraging her until she hopefully makes the choice to go in, or getting staff to come out and speak with her.

I cannot have her at home or at lunchtimes because of my work.

I didn’t mean turning up first to give you more time to negotiate, I meant a genuine staged intervention with a view to helping her overcome the difficulties. So half an hour early to pin things on notice boards or move furniture or sort books in the library. Something YOU have volunteered for that she has to tag along with culminating in you being in her classroom so there is no transition.

Ah ok I see, didn’t realise you meant me have a job, the teacher has been giving her a job in the morning which helped a bit,

something to think about although with 2 other kids to drop off at the secondary school and working full time, it’s a bit of a challenge.

Worth putting in a hellish month now and having an easier time going forwards. Run up to Christmas is ideal because there is so much extra to do.

No advice unfortunately as we are in pretty much the exact situation, but I emphasise.

My DD is 8 and in year 4 - we've had difficulty getting her into school on and off for the past couple of years.

Outwardly a lot initially was sensory over clothes - would have meltdowns as she couldn't tolerate many forms of underwear, socks, uniform. Would always eventually manage to get her in, but would often be 1-2 hours late.

She now just wears jogging bottoms and a t-shirt, but depending on anxiety levels, we do still have issues most mornings. It has also developed into just plain refusal and saying she hates school and doesn't want to go. Like you, we haven't fully got to the bottom of it, but part of it is severe toilet anxiety (anxiety about needing to go and worrying about being refused) and I think just having to sit down and do work (she has an ASD diagnosis, and I'm pretty certain PDA traits; I think also ADHD).

It has got a lot worse this year and I think it is also because she has not warmed to her teacher.

A few weeks ago, she started going in earlier for sensory circuits, which worked for a few weeks, but then, as you say, I think the novelty wore off and we have just had an awful couple of weeks, which culminated in her refusing point blank last week and not going in at all Mon-Wed.

We had a home visit from the SENCO on Thurs morning and we managed to get her in for lunch. SENCO suggested a few other things and DD seemed fairly positive afterwards. She did go in on Fri, but it took an hour of coaxing.

I did also approach the SENCO near the beginning of term about an EHCP - like others, she just quoted the LA's policies and suggested that DD wouldn't meet the criteria, but I know what the legal threshold is and started to get together evidence... Things then did get better with the sensory circuits so I didn't bother, but I drafted the letter last week and think I am definitely going to apply for an assessment now.

Like yours, DD is very up and down and at times seems so regulated and so I almost doubt to myself how bad things are.... And then we get a week like last week...

I'd suggest looking into a possible PDA profile of Autism. It's quite typical with PDA for kids to be very high masking until they can't anymore. And also to have a 'spiky profile' where they can do things sometimes and not at others, especially after the novelty wears off. This time last year I was in a similar position, having a child who 'didn't want to' (actually now I realise it was 'couldn't') go into school and us feeling we needed to force them, and then experiencing all the dysregulation after school ('after school restraint collapse'). Within a few weeks it had escalated to full-on Autistic burnout and school-based trauma. Our child was a shell for many months and couldn't do much - couldn't leave the house for several weeks and then we slowly built things up over the months but hasn't been able to access any education in school for a year now and we've had to adopt a really low demand approach at home. Doing so much better though and we feel our child has started to come back to us. I don't want to scare you but just be honest - with emotionally based school avoidance things don't tend to improve without considerable change and support - your child's behaviour is telling you something, I wish I had taken notice of mine sooner.