So bloody fed up with this

[Imafrickinidiot]

Twins age 8 awaiting assessment for adhd.

So fucking fed up with the constant meltdowns and them being physically and verbally aggressive to me, dh and each other. I've got ADHD with a big side helping of RSD so when they're nasty to me i take it really personally - saying don't take it personally doesn't help - i can't get around my own neurology. I try and try to be patient, nurturing, kind, calm but they press my buttons enough and i can't take any more and i shout which makes things worse. Every day i wake up and think is this it? Why did i even have kids? My username is inspired by one of their favorite things to say to me when they're melting down.

How the fuck am i meant to do this for the next 11+ years? How?

What support are DTs receiving? Do they have EHCPs? Is the school supporting learning emotional regulation strategies and do they use Zones of Regulation or similar?

Have you tried keeping a detailed diary to spot triggers? It is always easier to prevent escalation than deescalate once DC have received the point of no return.

Some people find the books The Explosive Child and the Out of Sync Child useful. Some find NVR resources/a course helpful. Do you have any sensory equipment, a trampoline, &/or a punchbag?

Do DTs share a room?

Are you on medication &/or receiving any support?

Thank you for your reply. No support from school, in terms of meltdowns - because they mask at school. Then explode when they get home. One of them seems to be dyspraxic so he has had extra sessions of fine motor skills but that's it. We've had to ask multiple times to get them referred for assessment for adhd - no ehcp as school wouldn't be able to support the application. I've never heard of the zones of regulation before but i can ask their teacher if that's something they use.

We've got a punchbag and yesterday after a meltdown i made them go to the park to do monkey bars which did the job but then as soon as we got back in they started escalating again so back to square one. a diary is a good idea thank you.

They do share a room but when their half sibling isn't here they use that room to split them up.

Most of our days are taken up with keeping them separate and walking on eggshells waiting for the next trigger. Neighbours have complained about the noise and said they're going to start banging on the wall if it carries on. I've explained the situation but obviously it's not easy to live next door to.

And no I'm not on medication (on nhs waiting list for adhd meds which could be years long) and not much support - my sister helps out when she can and my parents have them for a sleepover on average about once every 3-4 months but they mask when people are around and then it's twice as bad once they leave because of the stress of masking.

Diagnosis won’t help the day to day. I know it can be comforting to know why but it’s home it’s still going to be you and them.

one thing that struck me from your post was that they were helped by you taking them to the monkey bars. My ds is a different chap when exercised so my non medical, just mum advice would be to explore how you can do more to get them physically tired.
Things we’ve done include, swimming lessons, rebound, gym, tennis lessons, cycling, trampoline parks, go ape/assault courses, zip wires, soft play/adventure playgrounds, big slides, dry skiing, My boy has other difficulties but his brother does things like fencing, climbing, hiking. I consider exercise medication it allows ds to achieve in other areas. It’s draining for me and obviously ££s so we have to juggle and don’t do all of that at once but it’s worth it.

Request a meeting with the SENCO. The school need to provide more support. Appearing to be fine at school and exploding at home is called the coke bottle effect and signifies unmet needs at school. If school was easier, home life would improve too.

You can also request EHNCAs yourself. IPSEA has a model letter you can use. You don’t need the school’s support. Reading IPSEA and SOSSEN’s websites and the SENCOP will help you understand the SEN system.

Do you have space for exercise equipment at home? For example, a climbing frame (you can get adult sized exercise frames), a pull up bar, a trampoline (you can get mini indoor ones), battle ropes.

Look into a Disabled Facilities Grant so DC have their own rooms. A home OT assessment could also help.

If it is something you would be interested in, Scope offer mentoring to parents of DC on the assessment pathway. You might also want to consider social care assessments - Contact has model letters you can use. Also look at your local short breaks offer.

i'm a lurker on this board but i couldn't not post here because i'm in almost the exact same situation, my twins are 7 and i'm sure that they both have ADHD, we are on the (2-year-long) waiting list for assessment but i can't see what good it will do. i also have ADHD and i just feel utterly exhausted and depressed and i'm also out of patience with their constant verbal and physical aggression, which scares me a bit because i'm really at the point where i want to hit back when i get hit or punched or sworn at (i haven't done that and hopefully i never will but the urge is definitely there). i feel like a domestic abuse victim at the moment. one of my twins is more difficult than the other, they are both just about manageable on their own but together they are a total fucking nightmare and even when they aren't melting down our family life boils down to just managing their behaviour and walking on eggshells - it's never actually pleasant or fun. i have an older child who has really suffered from the twins' behaviour and regularly comes to me in tears saying 'i wish you hadn't had them' and i of course am sensitive and explain why that's hurtful and try to encourage her to see the positives in having siblings but i honestly see her point - her life is definitely much harder and more stressful now, and i feel a lot of guilt for that.

my twins are actually much better all round when they are in school, and they really like it - they respond to the structure of it, i think. the holidays when they have nothing to do but brawl with each other are the worst and the summer holidays almost pushed us to breaking point, i fantasised about just getting in the car and driving off forever. i'm already dreading half term and christmas. most of the time i manage to put a brave face on it and at least try to stay calm and positive but it's so fucking hard and it's also not fair i feel like i need to say that again because all i want is a quiet life without getting abused or sworn at - it's not fucking fair. so, yeah, i hear you. sending good thoughts your way.