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Original poster

I worry about his future

26 replies

ladyrobinredbreast · 09/12/2004 10:51

I worry about ds2's future the other night i couldnt sleep for worring about whether he will be okay ,will he always be for want of a different phrase a bit different,will he be able to cope ,will he be accepted by his peers,what does the future hold for him,will i be able to protect him.
His self-esteem is so low and i try so hard to praise him and encourage him,i want to protect him from the hurtful remarks made by other kids.
Went to a meeting about ASD and this dr gave frightening statistics regarding drugs,crime and how kids with ASD were more likely to have trouble later on ..i worry about Caleb as he is so easily influenced by others,if someone told him to do somethhing he would do it ..no question.
I know he is only 8 and i shouldnt be looking for trouble that is the voice of reason but then this other voice says whats going to happen to him.Just realised how crazy that must sound(voices????)
When we asked child pschologist about his obsessions and whether he would grow out of these or carry them into adulthood he would not commit himself was very evasive....i was wondering if tere were any MN,s with older ASD kids i guess i just want to here something positive.
Do you all worry too??????

OP posts:
Carla · 09/12/2004 11:01

No experience, lrrb, just wanted to give you a big hug and say how lucky I think your little lad is for having such a lovely mum. Loads of others will have experience of the way you're feeling, I'm sure{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Original poster
ladyrobinredbreast · 09/12/2004 11:12

thanks carla that hug was great just what the dr ordered just feeling all emotional

OP posts:
ThomCatsAreNotJustForXmas · 09/12/2004 11:21

Sorry to hear that hon'.

To be honest, no I don't worry. Well okay to a certain extent I think about her future and think to myself, 'god I hope you'll be okay, get on at school, make fre=iends' that sort of thing, but not much more than that. I certainly don't worry about her more becasue she has Down's syndrome.

Looking at the things you worry about, and wanting to help make you feel a bit better, hopefully:

  • Will he always be a bit different?
Well yes, quite possibly, but all kids are different babes aren't they and different doesn't mean bad does it. There are millions of kids with ASD and worse out there, all getting on and living fullfilled lives.
  • Will he be able to cope?
Yes course he will. He'll be fine. Some things, sometimes will be hard but he'll get there, and you j=know why, YOUR his mum and you want to help and be there and with all the love and support around you that will be more than possible. He'll cope fine, and so will you. What can be so hard you can't get there together aye?
  • Will he be accepted by his peers?
  • Yes, people with specail needs have friends don't they, they have relationships na dget merried.
  • What will the future hold?
_ What does it hold for anyone, ypu can't go there, no-one can. He's the arrow in your bow and he'll fly far and be just fine.
  • Will you be able to protect him?
Yes to a certain extent, and the rest he'll do for him slef. he'll have other family. treachers, friends etc all looking out for him too. You can only do your best the same as any mum.

None of it will be easy but you have to take one day at a time. looking into the future and worrying about things years down the line won't do you any good when you should be looking at the here and now and making the best out of TODAY.

Hope you feel better.
Love TC x

Original poster
ladyrobinredbreast · 09/12/2004 11:49

tc you are right i know you are ive just read your thread and cried my eyes out silly i know
i think its just that he is struggling at the moment he went to school so excited today he could hardly contain himself he has been invited to a little boy in his classes house after school tomorrow (popular in the class)but doesnt have many friends and doesnt get invited to others houses to play(i think other people find him difficult to manage) i have made a promise to myself that i will do more to cultivate friendships i find it hard with my other kids as well to cope with ....but i will make more of an effort
note to self--must try to stop worrying

OP posts:
ThomCatsAreNotJustForXmas · 09/12/2004 11:54

Oh no, you weren't supposed to cry more! Oh babes Sad I'm so sorry it's hurting babes. I think you should go with the tears and allow yourself to cry and feel rubbish, this week, and then when you can a deep breath and put a smile on that face. Some days are gojng be hard and you're going to feel low and worried, but you'll get through and things will be alright.

big hugs >>>
TC x

Blu · 09/12/2004 12:28

MsRedBoobs - (have lost track of Xmas names!)
Oooh, so painful. I can see why you worry, and why you feel for him, but TC is wise and she isright, and I think we always feel for them way past what they feel for themselves. More big hugs, you really deserve them.
Can you invite friends to your house rather than wait for the invitation to go to others? Then you can maintain a presence and make sure your DS and friend both have a good time?
Caleb is a great name, you are the best suport he could have, and are obviously a fab Mum.
IME Drs are always v non-committal (rightly, I suppose) which always makes us fear the worst. But you are doing everything to give him support for a constructive life - and remember that many adults who now form the basis of long-term statistics did not have the benefit of prompt dx (if any!), and there was less understanding of their needs even in recent times.

Hang on tight, your fears and feelings are why you need so much strength to be such a good parent to your little boy. Wish we could send you little yogurt pots of love and strength. XXXXX Blu

Original poster
ladyrobinredbreast · 09/12/2004 12:34

ROTFL Mrs red boobs should i change my name!!!!
thanks had a good cry just had to get it out of my systemxxxx
imagining all those little yogurt pots coming my way
lovely thought

OP posts:
Thecattlearemerloting · 09/12/2004 12:37

Empathize LadyRobin >

I do all what you are doing - my little one is only 15 months and has problems and g*d knows what the future holds - but ThomCat is right. Its the here and now that matters. Have a good cry, let it out, bash that pillow (whatever helps) and then pick yourself up, dust yourself off and be strong...

Much love Smile

PS. Tell me to read my own thread when I have a dip (as I know I will, 'cause what your feeling is entirely natural).

PPS. After the crying, screaming ... how about a hot bath and OK magazine (find that sometimes helps!)

JakBFrostNippingatYourtoes · 09/12/2004 13:08

Lady Robin, so sorry you've been feeling so down. I think we've all been there Sad. I have gone through phases of really worrying about the future (my DD is severely autistic). I worry about people preserving DD's dignity when I'm not here, about her being loved and cared for. I think this is totally natural for the mother of an SN child, particularly as my DD will need lifetime care. But then I do try and live in the now, that she is happy and cared for and her self-esteem is high now. And I try and build up a big support network around her of people who love and care for her. It's too much for one pair of shoulders. I often joke that DD needs several 'mummies'. I think the 'protective' instinct that comes with motherhood goes into overdrive when you have a child with special needs. Sorry, I'm rambling now, but just to say I understand how you're feeling. You sound like such a fab, supportive mum and you will start to feel better. Big hugs {{{{{{hug}}}}}

Original poster
ladyrobinredbreast · 09/12/2004 13:33

thanks for all the wise words and advice i realise i need to provide him with a better support network so will invite some of his classmates over during hchristmas we dont have much family here so his life is pretty isolated,mine to i guess!

OP posts:
ThomCatsAreNotJustForXmas · 09/12/2004 13:37

I think it would be great to invite friends round, for you both, but don't see it as 'having to provide him with better support'. It feels like you're beating yourself up a bit. Every parent could do a little bit better, but we're all human and have loads of other stuff to deal with in every day life. Yeah sure invite some kids round, it would be nice, but don't put pressure on yourself. When you're having a good week and feel calm and organised make the move and get one or 2 freinds over for a couple of hours.

TC xxxx

Socci · 09/12/2004 13:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SantaFio2 · 09/12/2004 14:00

I used to do this alot. Dont seem to do it so much now, but for me it was coming to the realisation that the worst may happen and accepting masybe the 'worst' isnt so bad after all. Lifetime of care etc. Just doesnt faze me so much now, dont know why? but this is the only way I have been able to cope with things. I know Thomcat looks at life through rose tinted spectacles (:)) and so do I to some extenct but I have accepted that my daughter may (or most probably) never live independantly and I have to takwe responsibility for her now and after (iykwm)

sorr y this is most probably making no sense, ds is jumping all ovber the place!

MariNativityPlay · 09/12/2004 14:19

Ladyrobin, I have a friend with a son who has Asperger's and mild learning difficulties. I have known him since he was 11 and now he is nearly 22.
I read what you were told by the doctor regarding ASD young adults and it dismayed me too.
The young man we know got six GCSEs at his special school, made the front cover of his local paper for his outstanding attitude and willingness on his workplace assignment and is now in a part-time job where his employers give him reasonable support. He is living at home but pretty independently (I know plenty of parents in that situation with NT 20-somethings).
But best of all, everyone who has the privilege to know him and spend time with him, loves him just as he is, makes unobtrusive allowances for his personality quirks, and feel they have learned a lot from his attitude to a life that sometimes doesn't make sense to him.
What I'm trying to say is that your son has a family who love him and care for him and hopefully you too have a network of friends who also love and are prepared to make the effort with him. That counts for so much with any child/teenager/young adult.
I hope this helps - there don't seem to be many Mnetters with young adult ASD children so I thought I'd post his story.

ThomCatsAreNotJustForXmas · 09/12/2004 14:21

Ha, yes my rose tinted glasses are a blessing and I don't intend on taking them off! Smile

SantaFio2 · 09/12/2004 14:26

dont darling they suit you!:o

JakBFrostNippingatYourtoes · 09/12/2004 15:08

Where can I get some?!!! Grin
Mine go a bit blurry grey sometimes

Original poster
ladyrobinredbreast · 09/12/2004 19:06

MNP thanks for sharing that with me it was so positive Smile

TC no more beating myself up Smile any chance you have a spare pair of those glassesGrin

feeling better now and not so emotionalxxxx

OP posts:
ThomCatsAreNotJustForXmas · 09/12/2004 19:19

nice post MariNativityPlay.

Glad you feel better ladyrobinredbreast, I realy am. xx

DingDongDinosaurOnHigh · 09/12/2004 22:34

Yes I do worry ladyrobinredbreast. I worry terribly. But I just try and tell myself that I am in a much better position to try and help him than my own mum was with me (I was raped when I was 13 and she was no bloody use at all about it, just blamed me) even though I had no special needs. We can all only do our best. It's always great to hear inspiring stories like Marina's.

ThomCatsAreNotJustForXmas · 09/12/2004 22:52

Oh Dinosaur, I just wanted to send you a virtual hug on that one.

chonky · 09/12/2004 23:17

Hi ladyrobin. Yep - I worry about the future sometimes. However, I try to balance it with the fact that in 5, 10, 15 years time dh and I will be older, and hopefully wiser :o and we will be better placed to help dd with whatever she needs. I also know that she manages to charm the pants off our family & friends, and some healthcare profs too, and I can't imagine that changing with time!

TC's right about having the friends around when you're ready. What about a support network for you? Are you meeting other parents with young adults who have SN (I personally don't think it has to be ASD in particular, sometimes it helps if the specific needs are different)? I've found meeting other parents with kids with SN an absolute lifeline. You sound like a fab mum - sending you lots of yoghurt pots xx

Big hugs to you dinosaur xx

Original poster
ladyrobinredbreast · 10/12/2004 07:27

Wow thanks to you all foreverythingxxxx
Dinosaur>
Chonky i dont know any other mums with sn,since we,ve moved here iv,e lost touch with my old friends.....iv,e gotton to know a few mum s here and occasionaly go out for a wee drink together,they,re a good laugh but dont know them well enough to talk too.
Anyway meltdown is now over...feeling better ...thanks for all your encouragement ladies xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxMrsredboobs

OP posts:
JakBFrostNippingatYourtoes · 10/12/2004 09:05

Redboobs- glad you're feeling better Grin
Dinosaur Sad Shock

Mirage · 11/12/2004 15:30

I grew up with two girls who had ASD.Both did very well at school & have full time jobs.One is 34 & the other in her 20's.Both live at home & one of them in particular is very popular with the local kids-she is always in demand for babysitting & also helps run a childrens sports club.Both are active members of their communities & valued just as much as anyone else.