Daughters behaviour

[Confusedbyactions]

My daughter is 12 and has wild tantrums that can last for 5 to 45mins. I can usually calm her in 5mins but when we are together (wife and me) she kicks off more throwing things to the point of violence punching/kicking. Annoying her siblings is usual by slamming doors or removing things from their room. My wife will always intervene "give her a chance" which rarely works. I find I can tell her no or stop and keep her in her room for 5mins or so she will more openly talk and calm down. Its at the point my wife wants her medicated and I don't. I want coping strategies. The school and GP are soon to be involved. It seems a lot of her issues comes from friends or school. I encourage talking to both of us, opening up etc. My wife says she needs sectioned or in a home. She has put up with it for years and snaps. I feel my daughter may be spoilt and lack structure or routine and lash out. Aibu to think medication is a last resort?

I knew there would be a poster like you, jumping on him for daring to suggest something alternative to the child’s mother, as soon as I saw this OP is a man.

I completely agree with him and you can’t medicate until you know what you’re medicating for.

Post was to @Testina , not @BattenburgDonkey

Who is the main caregiver for your daughter? The reality is that your daughter will only get bigger and stronger and the issues are likely to get worse before they get better with the onset of puberty and the teenage years. Honestly, you need professional support and that might mean some form of medication in the long term. NVR (non violent resistance - search Sarah Fisher on Facebook) might be worth a look but unless you work together as a couple no approach will work long term and this is your sticking point.

@elenacampana I agree that you can’t medicate until you know what you’re medicating for. Which is why I think it’s nonsense for the OP to say he thinks it’s a last resort. Depending on diagnoses and the girl’s behaviour, it might a first resort - allowing the non medication strategies to have their best chance. I don’t know whether medication is appropriate here or not - I’m not a doctor and I don’t have this girl in my consulting room.

What I disagree with, is OP saying his wife is wrong for wanting medication - and then suggesting that she should be able to use strategies because he manages it.

This has been moved from AIBU to SN now, where I think there’ll be even greater understanding that children (all, not only SN) do present differently to different parents. Just as they present differently between home and school.

The priority here should be diagnosis - not point scoring that she doesn’t use strategies as well as him and wants medication.

Does is happen monthly? Before period (if she has it). It could be PMDD.

I have it and I know it is pop my daughter has it too, she doesn't have tantrums but gets in a really dark mood with awful outbursts.

There is medication for it but she might be too young.

@Testina his wife has clearly said the child should be sectioned or in a home and you think this shouldn't be criticised ?? Don't bring your feminist views into this post it's irrelevant.

This is clearly a veiled (not so thinly) attempt to dig at your wife's actions

More feminist nonsense

I am a feminist.
However my position here that the poster (who happens to be a man) seems only to be interested in having a go about his wife (who happens to be a woman) is neither a feminist view or feminist nonsense.
The genders are incidental.

I note that despite MN “introducing” OP to all the experience of the SN board contributors by moving his AIBU, the OP hasn’t decided to use that opportunity to gain insight into how his wife might be feeling, or advice on how he can move forward to gain support for his daughter.

So yeah - I maintain my not-related to feminism view that he was only ever here to complain about his wife, not help his child 🤷🏻‍♀️

I can actually see where @Testina is coming from on this.

But putting that aside, in my worst moments I have sometimes uttered to my dh that I wish I could have dd adopted. Of course I don't, I love her with every fibre of me, but my word she's pushed me to my absolute limits. And she's only 5. A teenager is much bigger and stronger.

Op, your daughter may well need a diagnosis. Or her behaviour may well stem from lack of structure in the home. We're complete strangers on here and have no idea about your home life, relationships, background or anything.

But whatever is causing this behaviour, this is your daughter communicating to you and your wife (and she may well feel safer in your wife's presence to react as she does and still know she's loved) that she's finding something really hard to deal with. You need to start from that basis and seek professional support in the first instance. You cannot jump straight to a solution without knowing the cause.

I would recommend that you and your wife read The Explosive Child in the meantime (and nor as a replacement for seeking professional support, but while you do). The methods described in there might help your wife in dealing with the more extreme situations by first understanding that children all behaviour is communication.