How to cope with meltdowns?

[LucyCarlyle30]

NC for this as I'm frankly ashamed to admit how bad DTS1's behaviour can be

Twin boys aged 6.5, separate classes at school. DTS1 has been assessed before as borderline ASD but his nursery teacher didn't think he was, and (in general) his behaviour is good at school, but the meltdowns at home...

Today he had a bad day at school and gave his brother a hard kick as soon as he came out. Usually he has a small treat when he gets out, chocolate or similar, he's been told before that bad behaviour = no treat. So, kicking = no treat (DTS2 didn't get one either, for winding him up).

The whole 10 minute walk home he screamed at me, spat at me, hit me, told me he'd kill me. Demanded his treat, had an absolute meltdown when told no. Kept saying things like "when I'm a bigger boy I'll kill you for doing that", "I'm not going to stop hurting you, you won't give me my chocolate", "I wish you'd just go away and live somewhere else", etc.

By the time we'd got home I was in shock, started shaking and sobbing once I'd finally managed to put him somewhere to calm down. It's now an hour later and I still can't even look at him without panicking, he's long past the meltdown and is busy playing in the garden.

How did it come to this, my beautiful baby who I love so much? Will he end up really hurting and killing me in years to come? I could see him doing it as well, when the red mist descends there's nothing anyone can do except physically restraining him, which obviously I won't be able to do one day. I'm just at a loss, and still in shock

I can relate to a lot of what has been said here. My son is 9 and we have had an awful summer with him.

He has an ASD diagnosis but has been relatively 'easy' until now. He is very bright and can be charming. In the past two months he has started having awful meltdowns... upsetting for the whole family. In between the meltdowns he is okay - well behaved, will join in with whatever is going on. But refuses to really talk about the meltdown. Triggers vary...could be anything, such as a perceived slight.

Tonight he threatened to burn our house down. He hid the TV remote and the tablet for hours. He kicked me a number of times. It took about 2 hours for him.to calm down. We get him into a space on his own, talk only in low calm voices, etc. The neighbors hear him screaming and shouting. It's awful. It's exhausting. And it's so unfair on his siblings.

This summer...
I've been to the GP - he just recommended linking in with ASD charities and trying to find a psychologist.
He has attended a series of (very expensive) Lego workshops designed to work on social skills. They said 'he was a pleasure to have in the group'.
We've attended Counselling sessions - once on my own and twice with my son. He will talk about what has happened but I feel we go around in circles.
He has gone to a summer camp for children interested in engineering, etc. He has attended a yoga camp. He loves these activities but the behaviour still continued.

Myself and my husband have each taken him for days out to spend quality time with him - he is lovely on these days.

We have a 12 week block of play therapy lined up to start in September.
He will be doing a once a month session with an autism charity from September.

We are trying to find a child psychologist for him but unable to so far.

I am genuinely concerned that he is going to hurt me, my lovely husband or our other 2 children. He bullies his younger brother terribly and no matter what we do we can't get him to stop - we literally have to keep them in different rooms a lot of the time..they cannot be left unsupervised. Younger brother is a sweet child but is getting frustrated with the 'meaness' of older brother. I am worried he will hurt someone outside our family. When he gets angry it's as if nothing else matters - he could do anything in anger. He locked us out of our holiday house.. he jumped out of a moving car...I could list a dozen things he has done in the past two months.

Consequences don't work with him.

I don't know what else we can do? We literally have to hide 'our valuables'...he has tried (or threatened) to destroy my mobile, car keys, etc. I feel like we have been held hostage this summer.

When he is calm I feel we are all walking on eggshells.. I hate this. I am not sucidal but can understand why someone might be in this situation.

Have you contacted social services @Sailorsgirl44 ? You can ask them to carry out a needs assessment for a disabled child.

Re: the behaviours - we only got help from CAMHS when the GP put in a safeguarding referral for my 9 year old re: risk to herself and to others, including siblings, during meltdowns. She can be perfectly lovely outside of this but was having terrifying episodes where she was trying to get out of windows/moving car/attacking her siblings. She was taken on by CAMHS and now has sessions with a psychologist, as well as sensory breaks and much more support at school (where she masks well and is bright).

Trying to get out of moving car, threatening to burn house down… has your GP put in a safeguarding referral and if not, you feel able to call them and really emphasis that you are concerned for your DS’s safety and that of his siblings? I know it’s hard to do, but don’t downplay it at all. Make a list first and keep repeating what you said above “I am genuinely concerned that he is going to hurt one of us”. Don’t worry about social services swooping in to remove anyone, they give such a slow and under responsive response, but should hopefully get you moved up CAMHS list where you can repeat and focus on the same safeguarding concerns,

It sounds like you are already doing absolutely everything you can, but need more support, and unfortunately that only comes to people who make a massive fuss, don’t be worried about being “nice” when asking for support.

Also, you have probably done these things, but still :

• Does he receive DLA?
• If you have/have had needs assessment and he is involved in EHCP process then you can ask for direct payments to fund activities for him
• Does he have an EHCP and adequate support in school?

To add to HumptyDumpling’s post, you need a crelling harness for the car.

As well as a social care assessment for DS via the disabled children’s team you need a carer’s assessment for yourself. For siblings, contact your local Young carers service and Sibs. If younger DC are under 5 Home Start may be able to help too.

Has DS had OT and SALT assessments?

If DS has an EHCP SALT, OT, Lego therapy, MH therapies can all be included in there without the need to sit on the normal waiting lists and often more frequently and for a longer time period than otherwise typically available.

BPS have a search tool for psychologists here and ACHIPPP here.

@Sailorsgirl44 I'm so sorry to read about your issues with your DS, and I hope some of the very helpful suggestions from @HumptyDumpling and @LargeLegoHaul will be useful to you. We're back from a few days away too and DTS1 did not have a meltdown (wahey!!) - however, DTS2 was bloody awful I've always thought he's NT but perhaps now am wondering if he isn't ND too... DTS1 has massive, explosive meltdowns but is generally ok (if whiny!) apart from that, whereas DTS2 seems to have a big chip on his shoulder that everyone is 'mean to him' and gets sulky, defiant and ultimately violent if he's challenged in any way. Today he dug his nails into my arm really hard because I had the temerity to insist that he blew his (disgustingly snotty) nose... I'm just so bloody fed up with parenting and never knowing when to let things go/ stand my ground. DP is utterly useless and lazy 90% of the time and I feel it's all on me. Aaarrgggghhhhh.

Hi everyone. We are still away. Fly home tomorrow and for most my son has been wonderful. I will update properly when we are back. But he has been accepted and included and so loved here. The owners views on neurodiversity has been so wonderful to hear. I havent felt like I've had to justify any of his 'different behaviours'. Don't get me wrong everything is still there but in a calmer environment he is just so happy and free to be himself. The last few days though his anxiety is growing and it he is starting to get worked up because he doesn't know what's happening and how we are going to get between the airports etc.
The last few days though have become much more busy for him. Today, our last day his burst into tears as it's too much. He wants to go home now. And to be honest the noise levels are hideous. I chose here as it's known for being quiet. I want to come home too, especially as I can see his will soon pop. It's gone from a quiet family complex to a party pool.

I knew the version of him I've had these last two weeks wouldn't be longterm and all it would take was a trigger. His calm has been totally taken away and soon I can see he will explode. I feel so sad for him that its ended even before we have left. I'm watching him now pacing trying to calm himself down and focus. I want to cry.

Sorry to hear of others struggles too

@Needanewadventure2021 I'm glad to hear that your DS had a lovely holiday but also sorry to hear how stressed he's getting have you contacted the airports/ airlines to see if there's any extra help they can offer? There's usually a quiet room at airports in case he needs any 'down time', even if it's the chapel or similar. I do hope you have a stress-free journey home!

@LucyCarlyle30 we are back now and I'm not even going to hide it, I cried while he slept on the plane. I cannot explain how fast he went from calm and happy to anxious and hysterical. The return journey has thoroughly drained me. He wasn't badly behaved. He was terrified and stimming out of control. I wasn't ready for this version to return so fast after him enjoying the last two weeks. I will update tomorrow properly but I am really really sad

Sending hugs @Needanewadventure2021

A sad end to your holiday but I hope you also remember the lovely time you had there! Hugs to your DS too and I hope he's all recovered now

I hope you are doing ok @Needanewadventure2021 ?

DTS1 is finding it hard now to deal with sports club, he does enjoy it most of the time but gets very worked up over any perceived 'unfairness' and will often come out sobbing. No option but for him to go though as we're both at work and PIL find him too much to have every day as well

@LucyCarlyle30 I've pm'd you x