I wish I had these worries...

[mm22bys]

I am sorry, I don't know if this is acceptable or not (and won't do it again if it isn't), but I am sure we all on here wish we just had these "worries"!

here

[macwoozy]

Oh I do know how you feel, but still, this is something that must worry her, it might sound very trivial to you but could be a big worry for her, perhaps. I do understand where you're coming from though.

[GunpowderTreasonAndSquonk]

everyone worries about different things. It doesn't make their worries any less worthy, just because others have "worse" things to worry about.

We all need reassurance.

[yurt1]

you won't get away with this now SN is back in active conversations (it's the sort of thing you can say in a RL SN support group though I think & get away with - although the one's that do it for me are the 'my 12 month old only says 20 words should I be worried' threads ).

Ah I'm off to bed - it's been a long day.

[mamazon]

yes i can totally understand how you feel, but it is possible tha she is worried wha the underlying cause of his "long length" is rather than the aesthetics of him being very tall.

so in essance she is valid in her concern.

couold you imagine what some of our posts could have been in teh early days of our chidlrens development.

i could have easily come on and posted about my concern "DS walks funny" "Ds doesnt like me cuddling him"
can you imagin some fo teh repsonses...?

[perpetualworrier]

I can worry about anything. I often wonder how on earth I'd cope if I actually had anything to worry about.

It's an affliction it shouldn't be mocked.

[LyraSilverSparklers]

Nobody should belittle someone else's worries imo. Your worries may be greater but that doesn't make the other person's worries unimportant. If you don't like it, don't read the thread.

[DANCESwithALitFireworkArrrrrgh]

I am very unimpressed by this thread. Everyones worries are as real and upsetting to them as they are. I'm not an SN parent but I would hate to think my worries were being belittled because they weren't considered as real or important.
Actually this has really p*ssed me off.

[macwoozy]

Dances, I can see why this question might piss you off, but think for a moment how pissed off mm22bys might feel on a daily basis with the reality of SN, it's just a typical question that might be asked within a SN group.

[morocco]

is sn back on active convos?
i like my own little email group for exactly this reason - we can all chat about our own worries and be understood at the right level. ds is pretty well right now so I couldn't go post on a group for parents of children who are seriously ill as my worries would be trivial but otoh i feel like parents of totally healthy kids wouldn't 'get it'. well - you all know what i mean.
so yeah, mm22bys, ikwym but also yab a little bit u

[TotalChaos]

my initial reaction was - what on earth is the worry, but my more considered reaction is that I agree with mamazon - that OP may genuinely be worried that there may be some underlying condition/problem. Dances - if you had a look at mm22bys recent posts, you may have an idea as to where she is coming from, she has had a really rough time with health professionals.

[2shoeswhizzbangwoosh]

oh bless. just looked at the link.
I remeber worrying about crazy things with ds. but wish that all I had had to worry about with dd was how tall she was.

[2shoeswhizzbangwoosh]

oh and if anyone from the sn board need to join TTR dorp me a email. [email protected]
going by this thread. sn is not going to be so safe now the tick box has gone.

[DANCESwithALitFireworkArrrrrgh]

I'm not saying mm22bys is or isn't having a rough time at the moment. I wouldn't dream of commenting on her situation of which I have no knowledge. I'm presuming of course you all know the OP on the link well to start judging whether her concern is genuine or not or in fact if she has other stuff going on in her life. My point is that WHATEVER your situation is, belittleing someone's concerns or worries is not on.

[needmorecoffee]

I can see where the OP is coming from and its something SN people talk baout. Any parent with SN acknowledges that worries are worries and all valid but at the same time its very hard when your child is dying or brain damaged or hasn't reached any milestones to get any anguish up about whether a 'normal' child is too tall or short or not saying 100 words by age 6 months. Especially in the first year or so of beinga SN mum. That first year is hellish. You feel like you're on your own little island of worry and woe and nightmare scenarios and no-one understands. While non-SN people can be sympathetic and kind they do not truly understand.
But its something you can share with other SN mums and sometimes, wishing desperately that you can everyday worries, there's explosions in the direction of the 'normal' world. Its natural and its envy of 'normal' worries and also from where you're stood, on your little lonely island, 'normal' worries do look trivial to you.
So hopefully non-SN parents might understand a bit and cut some slack for the OP. Most SN parents feel this way at some time, we just don't blurt it out in polite conversations, butonly among SN groups.

[yurt1]

Ah glad 2shoes said that- do join timettorant or another 'closed' (online of RL) support group mm22bys. You can't really discuss the feelings surrounding SN in an open site like mumsnet (think of it as being like a great big masintream school, or mainstream toddler group & think of how little you can say there). ON a closed site you can disuss in context- I belong to a variety. RL and online.

On mumsnet you can get some great advice, and you get a good mix of people going through lots of challenges (including some very big ones that are nothing to do with SN), but from past experience you really, really can't discuss the feelings that go with SN without upsetting people.

What I can say is that the 'ugly' (as I call them) feelings that go with having a child with SN ARE entirely normal. We all get them. In a place where they can be discussed openly you can tlak about how you learn to live with them (and realise that they don't make you a bad person). I have learned which type of threads to avoid. You need that filter or you just get depressed using something like mumsnet, much like you can in RL mainstream places.

[yurt1]

Well I predicted (offline) that having SN back in active convos would cause a fight within 2 weeks, seems like it was a little faster

needmorecoffee has it exactly right.

Most people find it easy to understand that someone who is having real trouble trying to conceive might find it difficult to be around babies, or to be ecstatic when their best freind gets pregnant, or to post ona pregnany board. The feelings the OP describes are the same ones. I don;t know what her child's difficulties are (the threadshe linked to didn't particularly stand out for me,), but I personally have no wish to reassure the 'worried well' regarding for example, speech development when my child will probably never speak. I don't think anything of the people who start those threads, they're worried, whatever, but I prefer to avoid those threads as they depress the hell out of me. And yes of COURSE I wish I had those worries. Anyone with an 8 year old non-verbal child would.

[zippitippitoes]

I think you can say the same about any differences between us..I have split after a long relationship and find all the dp/dh doesn't put the rubbish out, forgot to buy cream, where shall we go for his 40th birthday depressing too or would if i let myself..ditto jobs as i can't get one...etcetc..not to speak of all the people who don't have a lifelong mental health problem ...they have it easy, but if i thought like that then i would send myself mad lol

[needmorecoffee]

Mind you, maybe we could talk about the stupid things that have been said to us by non-understanding people and it will filter out into the world?
Like 'you're so lucky to have a blue disabled parking badge'
or maybe with more sharing and understanding, 'friends' wont desert a new SN mum in what is generally the worst time of their lives. They'll understand and give real support not vague emails.
I generally avoid the non-SN threads as its a totally different world to me plus I have a tendency to stick my foot in my mouth by saying 'How do you cope witha toddler that runs around? And one that touches things?' (DD being a total quadraplegic n all. Our house is not toddler safe at all. it doesn't need to be)
Mouth fires off before brain engages

[yurt1]

Yeah that'\s true zippi- but having those feelings doesn;t make you bad. I guess you need to find a way to navigate the world whilst bombarded with iages of happy couples, people trying to conceive have to find a way to navigate the word where ever street is full or pregnant women and we have to find a way to navigate the world surrounded by kids who will grow up, live independent lives and do things. I know already that when ds1's peer group start getting married I am going to struggle!

I always think of these things in terms of 'wrong audience'. I have some close to me ttc - she would be the wrong person to reassure a friend about pregnancy. Likewise I'm the 'wrong audience' for various worries about 'normal' 8 year olds. IN RL people are sometimes insensitive about being the 'wrong audience' and I get told all sorts of things I'd rather not know. I guess here it's backwards, you need to learn to select yourself out and recognise when you're the 'wrong audience' to a thread.

[yurt1]

ha ha nmc- yes the insensitivity sometimes is astounding. dh got told all about someones termination for DS recently 'because it wouldn't be fair on the other child and would get in the way of her career' when DS1 was STANDING there.

We get the 'lucky to have a motability car' thing as well. And the blue badge. Which I only use when I have ds1 with me, which makes actually doing anything with our free parking space bloody difficult.

[used2bthin]

I have repeatedly had people say to me, oh you should be grateful its not this, or this, or that etc. And yes I am of course but at the same time I feel like saying why should I have to constantly look on the bright side, yes theres always someone worse off but I think its unfair of these people(usually relatives presumably not wanting me to dwell on sad thoughts)not to allow the 'it's unfair' stuff. Because it is! Hmm not sure if that made sense but I know what I mean(sort of!)

[needmorecoffee]

I find the badge thing very funny. I have two cos I'm disabled too. Thing is, I don't have a car
My clanger comment of the year was a lady who after saying 'can it understand?' about dd in her wheelchair was, proceeded to tell me all about her son coming last ina sports day race and how kids like him and dd are picked on for not being sporty.
I think my jaw fell to the ground, especially as I didn't know her from Adam

[yurt1]

PMSL- they're classics. 'it' oh my giddy aunt.

I get a lot of 'do they like....' ('they' whose 'they'?)

[needmorecoffee]

usedt2bthin - its not 'done' to be negative. We are meant to be brave and inspiring and above all, make others feel comfortable about our child's SN by being all cheery and perpetuating the myth that 'they're so loving aren't they, and a special gift.'
pooey
I know there's lots of helpful and caring people out there who do help when SN mums need it but there's also a lot who demand, as part of their continuing friendship, that you be cheery at all times, never come across as needy or tired or at the end of your tether because, heavens forbid, they might be prodded into helping. Plus you might not listen to them going on.
It happens. Having a SN child wittles down your friendships to true friends. Bit like when someone dies. There's some who cross the street cos they 'don't know what to say' and just make your whole day worse.