My seven year old DD

[PseudoBadger]

DD has been 'challenging' since about 3 years old, she is now 7. She is perfectly behaved at school (although it's sometimes difficult to get her dressed!) but doesn't always like to mix with others.

As our bedtimes have got worse, and screaming rages have increased, I decided to write down everything, and mentioned her behaviour to a senco friend. She has suggested possible ASD and PDA, and I have made a GP appointment.

I guess I would find it useful to get opinions on whether she actually is out of step with other 7 year olds. Her older brother has dyslexia.
Here are my observations (sorry it's so long)

Grinding teeth when awake
Occasionally flapping which she says she enjoys.
Tiptoe walking in house
Finds it difficult (impossible?) to settle to sleep
Hates labels, seams and embroidery on clothes
Wears her Velcro shoes very loose
Only one set of pants and socks are acceptable
Dresses inappropriately for weather (no coat, short socks with skirt etc)
Pretends to be a cat. Miaows instead of talking, hisses when angry, acting out things as cat. Licking people (family!). Can spend all day as a cat, like today.
Has a very untidy room and will not tidy. If asked to she will scream, cry, hit herself, say "you don't love me." And that she is "Stupid stupid"
She can cry and scream for a long time if things not going her way
She Interrupts me if I am busy, for example on a work call, even if being asked to wait
She won't get dressed when asked, even if for something she enjoys eg riding, football. Or for school!
Hates brushing her teeth and hair, and washing hair.
Lots of mood swings, is unpredictable.
Gets obsessed for example with Harry Potter
Focussed on me to the exclusion of her dad. Will cuddle me all day, sit on me, obsess about where I am. Say things like "You must always tell me where you are"
No real close friends but does have friends.
No issues at school (except wearing correct/appropriate clothes and eats limited pack lunch only)
Always hungry at home
She often removes herself from group situations to play alone.

Lovely to hear you are using strategies which are helpful... the social stories and calm voice and all the right professionals are getting involved. You sound like a great and supportive Mum.

In the kindest possible way....on the bedroom.... I think any 7 year old would be overwhelmed at tidying that up. Even I wouldn't know where to start!!. Maybe give her a hand, get it all sorted then have a social story about keeping it that way... inething out at a time... putting stuff away before the next thing etc etc.

@CrumbsThatsQuick I know
I have done it for her so many times. I have broken it down and shown her how to do it so many times. I have stood and instructed her while she has done it so many times. I have praised and rewarded her so many times. We have spoken about how lovely it is when the room is tidy so many times. We have agreed to put things away after using them so many times. When it starts to slip into chaos I gently remind her to tidy it now whilst it's easy so many times. When this last stage happens she generally gets annoyed and stressed so I back off - and then it ends up looking like this!
You may be able to tell that I am AT THE END OF MY TETHER with her room. I have been working 7 days this week and cannot just do it for her right now. I may be able to do a bit each day this week...

I agree with PP, a 7yo cannot be expected to tidy that room up alone. No wonder she was panicky. At the very least she needs a clear bed to sleep in.

Parenting a child with additional needs can be hard but this is obviously an area she’s struggling with. Once you’ve tidied it then get her to help you tidy it daily and gradually get her to do more and more while you supervise until she has the skills to do it and has developed the habit. This will likely take time but you just have to keep plugging away at it.

Fair enough. I will help her more.

So much of this also sounds like my 11 year old dd. She was diagnosed with ASD at 8 (after 2+ years on waiting lists). I don't think the NHS diagnose PDA as a separate diagnosis from ASD, but I think there is more recognition of it than a few years ago, and strategies can be put in place with that in mind (PDA tendencies alongside ASD diagnosis). Diagnosis was through the community paediatricians, not CAMHS.
My dd got an ADHD diagnosis at the same time. That took me by surprise a bit more, due to my own prejudices of what ADHD meant. But I look at that messy bedroom, and a lot of the traits overlap. It's worth looking into.
My DH also didn't accept it at that age. He just put it down to ger being stubborn, and a slower developer. It took time, and he came along to all appointments so views of the professionals helped his understanding. He accepts it now (although is far from patient in dealing with her quirks).

I was lying down with DD tonight trying to get her to do some meditation type exercises. She got very cross and said that her brain was just "too full and busy"; I asked her what was in her brain and the most random stuff came out! Cats' ears, a red circle with a blue dot, a long bit of grass etc etc. Poor thing!

@Thisismynewname123 thank you for your comment - I'm starting to wonder about adhd also

This might be a weird suggestion so please feel free to ignore, but there is a YouTuber I like called "ClutterBug" who has different organisation methods for different personality types. She has ADHD and I just think she really gets that different brains are wired differently and different people need to do things differently. I've found some good tips from her on keeping myself organised (I suspect I'm autistic - DD 6 is, and I see a lot of similarities in our tendency to get overwhelmed with things like that).

For me what helps is making progress fast so I get a bit of momentum (I really struggle to get going with tasks - but once I'm going I can carry on). I like ClutterBug's idea of a "tidy tote" which is basically a big bag or laundry basket that you put everything in that is in the wrong place, and then you find it a home as a second step. The thing I like is it clears all the overwhelming mess really fast and then you can sort it out a bit at a time without it all staring at you menacingly. Her idea is you put smaller containers in there to organise a bit as you go (e.g. put bags inside a laundry basket). So for example, in a kid's bedroom, you could use one for clothes, one for books, one for toys, one for things that live in another room, or whatever a sensible split would be for your DD's room. So that makes it much easier to put stuff away once you've chucked it all in there, as it's already in rough categories.

It's quite a good method for sharing the work too, as you can both sling things into the basket, and then e.g. DD could put the books back on the shelf while you hang clothes up, or whatever.

Anyway, I know it was just an example, but when you next have some energy/headspace it might be worth a try if it's not how you do it already (or even to see if your DD might like to choose a method herself from a Clutterbug video or somewhere else that appeals to her from a range of options - if that's not in itself overwhelming!)

In terms of the "too full and busy brain", something else we used to do with DD that I keep meaning to go back to is to do a little feelings diary at the end of the day. We'd talk about/write down the best thing in the day, the worst thing, and something new or surprising that had happened (the last bit was to remind DD that new things are not always bad, as she does tend to get anxious about change). It was a nice end to the day. Sometimes she wrote it, usually she told me things and I wrote them down for her, and often drew a funny picture of it just to make it more fun.

Good luck with everything. I know it's a bit of a shock when you first realise that your child's differences might actually be something that warrant a diagnosis, but honestly we've found it very helpful at home, and most importantly it means that school can accommodate the things that she finds tricky, which means she comes home less exhausted.

So we just had an hour's online call with CAMHS for an initial assessment and I'm not sure how it went. The nurse hadn't read any of the paperwork I sent in before the appointment, and also hadn't read the school's recent comments either. She asked what concerns I had and before I had reached the end of the list (we talked through each point, I didn't just read out the list) she said we had to move on or we would run out of time. She spoke to DD a bit but DD doesn't like zoom type calls so that didn't really work. I am really disappointed in how unprepared she was for the call. I work in a similar field and sector and would never dream of not reading up before such a call.
She said she will review all the information and get back to us with next steps.

You have literally just described my almost 7 year old DD down to the last detail. Nearly everything you've said resonates, except that instead of being a cat, she pretends to be a bat (really!) and goes squeaking and flapping around the house. Also, we are extremely blessed that she sleeps well. Everything else though I could nearly have written myself. She has had an ASD diagnosis for some time now.

Thank you @diamondpony80
I love the thought of your DD being a bat! Do you have any tips for managing behaviour at home?

@LightTripper I somehow missed your post in February, thank you for taking the time to write that out. I will look at the Clutterbug YouTube, and see if DD is willing to use a diary.

@PseudoBadger

Thank you *@diamondpony80* I love the thought of your DD being a bat! Do you have any tips for managing behaviour at home?

@LightTripper I somehow missed your post in February, thank you for taking the time to write that out. I will look at the Clutterbug YouTube, and see if DD is willing to use a diary.

She's usually at her most stressed immediately after school. That could be her getting really angry with everyone, or just a lot of stimming behaviour like flapping, making high pitched noises, and doing her "bat" thing. The teacher doesn't see this behaviour at all so we think she's just masking a lot in school and then needs to let it all out when she comes home. What helps her is to go to her room for some time alone. She has a Vtech kids camera where she makes videos of herself making weird noises (some kind of vocal stimming I guess) and watching them back. She'll do that for about 15 or 20 minutes and comes back to the rest of the family when she feels calmer. It's weird, but it works for her!

She also gets quite angry with us when all the family are in the same room talking loudly. We have noise-cancelling headphones for her so that she can colour or play quietly without being stressed out by the noise.

Interesting idea about the headphones. DD is happiest in her room with the Harry Potter audiobooks playing as loud as possible whilst she colours/draws/plays with a million tiny little horses. She does like the volume to be loud, on the tv etc as well. This could be her version of (external to her interests) noise cancelling maybe.