Run-in with SENCo - just about calmed down now

[Chocol8]

As you know from my previous thread about bullying and Ritalin, I arranged a meeting with SENCo and my ds's class teacher tonight. I also invited Parent in Partnership which I didn't want to mention to them as he used to be the SENCo's colleague. I was told (eventually) that the Head would not be attending as this wasn't how things are done).

The meeting started off badly due to a long "conversation" I had with the SENCo on Friday in which she said that there was no record of the Aspergers dx on my ds's file. I was livid - to put it mildly, but was ready for a fight today. Pretty much, that's what I got.

She didn't acknowledge me at all upon meeting - not even a hello, and only made conversation with her ex colleague. Then we all sat down (in ds's classroom on little chairs - no office available apparently) and she looked at me and said "well?".

With the help of PiP earlier I had written an agenda and took with me all the paperwork I could possible need for the meeting. It lasted an hour and during that time, the PiP only spoke once. The SENCo was, in my opinion out to score points and made it known that she did not like me. She was cold and totally up herself - obviously she was the expert on Aspergers, not me - I put her right on that one though!

There were several instances where she was extremely condescending but the two most unbelieveable ones were 1. she said that she would not let me look in ds's file. She clutched it to her and wouldn't let it go and said that I couldn't see the IEPs. The last one I had sight of was from Jan 03, nearly 2 years ago. I was not involved in the process which I understand should happen. There were 5 previous copies of IEPs and I asked to look at them. She refused quite a few times point blank and I stood up to her and said it was my right to and eventually she said that they would make copies of them and post them to me tomorrow! GRRRRRRRrrrr! The woman is obviously stupid! I eventually after a lot of arguing and staring at her, got copies of them.

2. She said when the copies were being made that she thought it very impolite and discourteous of me not have mentioned inviting PiP. I apologised and said that after the meeting on Friday and being spoken over for virtually all of the 20 minute conversation, I was not willing to share that information with her, and also I was aware that the PiP representative was an ex colleague.

I left the school with PiP and he said that I had done very well in standing up to her and making my points and personality aside, how did I think I had done? I raised my hand to show him how it was shaking - I got home and cried - alot.

I am going to write a letter of complaint, which will have everything in, and if this is not dealt with in a satisfactory way, will take it to the Governors. I am still very mad and not sure if this is clouding my judgement, but should I have been treated like this or was this out of order?

I have arranged to meet her tomorrow evening (which means a crappy day for me, having to look forward to that!) and probably won't be able to get hold of her to rearrange the meeting as it is now half term.

The thing is, the only reason we are meeting is for me to give her the latest report to copy, but I just thought I would mention that if we went through the file together I could supply the gaps. I did offer to do this at the meeting on Tuesday, but she declined very forcefully. She said that the school hadn't been receiving some of the reports and sort of suggested that I should have known that, when I said I didn't know, she said that she had asked two different professionals (covering her back probably) and that they weren't lying! I really do not know how to take her, she's a very strange character.

how about doing it anyway...then if she's a bitch you could blackmail her with it!!!!!!!

OH! hang on ....this is real life ....not fantasy!

Why is it we stick to the rules and those that care (?) for our kids do just what they want....and we can't 'catch them out!

maybe you could let her have her say (again) and if she is rude say that you wished you'd taped her...then next time you could....and she'd not have a leg to stand on as you can say you warned her?????

ofcourse...if this were me....i'd be fine planning all this but chicken out....so who am i to tell you !!!!!

Take along a notepad and pen. At the beginning of the meeting say, "You don't mind if I take notes, do you?" Then whenever she says something bitchy just say, "I'm sorry. Could you repeat that please? I just need to note that down."

I had just been thinking to myself that if I never saw her again it would be too soon...and there she was on the end of the phone! AND she called me by my married name, so her records are not up to date.

That's not a bad idea MrsF - I really am tempted, or perhaps if she is horrible to me, I could pretend i'd had one in my pocket all along and wasn't afraid to use it! ((((evil cackle))))

Yeah, love it Coppertop! That made me giggle! I should do that to everyone who pees me off, but then when i'm due, my hand would drop off from all that writing!!!!

I think you should take the high road and give her the reports that are necessary to update your DS's file .. for the moment this woman has contact with your child when you're not around .. if it was me I'd make sure I was 'seen' to do everything right

at the same time I would hand over in writing a request for the notes

and also I'd say quite pointedly that you feel she doesn't like you, and you are sure there must be some misunderstanding as you both have DS's best interests at heart, so how would she propose that you fix your relationship

of course behind the scenes I'd keep doing everything within my power to get rid of the snotty bitch

.. feel free to ignore .. I have no direct experience of the SENco system

Thanks Twiglett! I really feel I should do the "right thing" and let her copy the reports, but you did bring up some valid points. I don't know how she would respond to me saying that we had got off on the wrong foot, but if I get a word in at all, I would do that. Feeling strong enough to do that I think.

And yeah, I hear ya about getting rid of her - that is defo gonna happen. By the way, it turns out that she is also the assistant head.....arghhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I was just wondering how Twiglett managed to stay so reasonable when I read the "snotty bitch" remark! ROFL!

god chocs...we have another 'similarity'.....the SENCo from Hell at the old school was THE HEAD......i really object to the way these people who have the school's purse strings in their hands are also deemed to have our SN kids best interests at heart!

Yeah! I know the LEA has ultimate control of the budget....but at the last school they had fantastic new windows...gorgeouse new PE mats (when ofstead was due to visit) etc etc....and yet my son was neglected!

[blood boils]

I hear you MrsF - the old SENCo was also the Head! The school has just merged and they have a great big new part to the building which looks very impressive, however I did hear the SENCo say to the PiP that the money could have been better spent! That's the only thing we agree on!

I was going to stay home and paint ds's room but instead i'm going to visit the Special Needs Expo. Then I can say to the SENCo that that is where I have been and gloat over her with all my lovely give aways! Heh heh heh!

I went to the meeting with the SENCo yesterday and took the paperwork with me.

She was COMPLETELY different, all smiles and joyfulness! I am absolutely sure that the PiP called her in the morning after I had called him to get some info, and warned her I was going to make a complaint against her. It seems strange that she called the same afternoon, don't you think?

I had come from London (from the SEN expo) and was 10 mins late, which I had called up and left a message about, and she said that she was going to the expo on Sat. She left ds's file open and went through it to show me the reports in it and photocopied one of mine to make her set complete. She also said that she had spoken to a SEN colleague about ds at length and she would be speaking to the class teacher to organise some things with her.

She then went on to tell me about how IEPs are done and how I can be involved or me and ds if I want.

Basically she has now given me all the information which was missing the other night, that she, at the time felt it wasn't necessary to divulge. The question is: should I still write the letter of complaint?

I feel I should do something as I really don't want another parent to go through what I did. If they weren't as strong minded as me, they could get walked over and not get the things they should be expecting from the school - and in the worst case scenario, their child could suffer as a consequence. Perhaps I should write a letter to her personally and copy it to the head therefore raising my points to her, rather than complain about her to the head and governors immediately?

oh its so bloody difficult isn't it. I've had it up to here with schools and Sencos. it's such a fine line between making your points and attempting to keep some sort of relationship with the school. Maybe sit tight for a while?? Do you have half term to calm down now????

Yes Jimjams I have, although ds has been on half term since Thursday. They were teacher training yesterday.

In my opinion, no parent should have been spoken to like she spoke to me, but now I know she has been warned and has "put things right", she is in the clear. However, I really feel that I should do something, but not sure what the something should be iykwim.

Bang your head against a brick wall???? That's what I'm doing

I'm so glad that this second meeting went so much better than the first. I wonder if the PiP person did contact her, or whether the SENCO had a rethink after the meeting.
I must say I have to hand it to her. Yes, she didn't handle things well to start with, but she's had the professionalism, and the personal guts, to deal with you correctly, and in a more friendly manner now. I've got staff who never spoke to me again after a similar run-in.
I've got to hand it to you, as well, as you've had the confidence to stand up for yourself, which as we all know isn't easy. I think that in itself will help other parents. I would be worried that a formal complaint would sour the better relationship that you have now achieved.

Thanks mfh, yes of course you are right in saying that she had the guts to approach me, but then again, if I had been out of order and I was about to have a complaint made against me, I would do whatever was necessary to amend things too.

I agree that it may sour the relationship we have (hopefully) made, but with only one out of four dealings with her in a week, the "nice" behaviour may not last.

It's difficult - tbh I have better things to do with my time than be writing complaint letters about this woman, but I really feel that this situation ought to be kept an eye on, by which I mean other parents of SN children. I only managed to be assertive because I knew my rights and others may not, and their children may suffer as a consequence. Maybe I will give her one more chance and if she reverts to being like she was on Tuesday, I will come down on her then.

I am kicking myself for being too worn out and not feeling well enough to deal with another clash on Friday because I really wanted to ask her why she was so opposed to me seeing my ds's file only a few days before. Ahh, if only I was a mind reader, life would be so much easier eh?

Crikey, you say you only managed to be assertive because you knew your rights. How on earth did you do it? I can never manage this in meetings, and find it incredibly frustrating. I'm the expert on my child, after all, I know what the school/LEA's obligations are, but can I actually manage to ask that they stick by them. No chance.

I've think you're doing really well, and shouldn't feel bad about being worn out. I hope you chill out over half term.

Heh heh mfh, I only knew my rights because I had a secret weapon up my sleeve - Mumsnet! (((fanfare sounding in the distance!))) The lovely MNers were their usual helpful selves and pointed me in the right direction. I spoke to IPSEA on their advice, the evening before and found this really helpful...what a great service they are too!

I really really wanted to thump that stupid woman for the way she spoke to me with her superior attitude, and surprised myself that I didn't tbh! The fact that I was "assertive but not aggressive" was shocking news to me at the end of the meeting. Maybe, I thumped her in my imagination only, which of course is alot better eh?

Of course, as all mothers I would lay down my life for my ds and what I did at the meeting - as I see it now - was like going into battle to fight for his rights. Just feels like i've been pummelled right back again and now cos i'm under the weather have absolutely no energy left. Where did I put those vitamins? Thanks for your kind thoughts mfh. x

mfh, I think you should prob do something but maybe not as serious. Possibly a letter to her direct but copied to Head, as you said, would be a good idea. If you don't get it on record it will be as if it never happened and I bet she hasn't changed that much! Bloody right she should behave professionally but she didn't did she?