Firstly, I am so sorry that I am only coming to these messages now. I’m not sure how I missed the messages from @violet850 and @ChristmasSeacow and lingle but I have had lots of trouble with mn notifications. I got a notification of @toffees message today and was surprised to see the others. Sorry. It’s taken me a while to write this as we’re in self isolation hell!
Thanks for the messages. It’s always such a nice thing to hear from people who understand what you’re going through, even though I wish everyone on this thread didn’t have worries too. (This is a super long response btw, sorry!).
Violet, my daughter is doing well thanks - in some ways really well - although we are still worried. She seems to be a very advanced talker which has really taken us by surprise as my son’s speech started well but then he struggled to move past single words (which he had a lot of) to put words together. That eventually was the thing that really flagged up that something was wrong. (Christmas, my son has had very similar issues with speech as you described). I’m trying not to get side tracked by her speech as it was such a focus for us with my son (still is!) and I know that her overall social interaction is what will prove important and with that I think there are issues. If I’m honest, though, I probably have been sidetracked,
and reading Christmas’ message really made me realise it. Like your little girl, has Christmas, my daughter has much better skills in some ways than my son had (and has).
In terms of how she is doing, my daughter has come out of her shell a lot which has been so lovely to see, and she’s actually a really funny little one, but that is with us. It’s hard to tell what her interaction is like with others as, like Christmas - and I expect for all our kiddies - lockdown has been difficult and she hasn’t really seen anyone bar us (and she’s hardly seen any other children). Prior to lockdown, it wasn’t great tbh. There’s a marked difference in what she’s like with us and with others. It has improved a lot with others but she still doesn’t really social smile, although we can do things to make her laugh and smile. But if you just look at her and smile (say, if you’re playing with her) she doesn’t generally smile back and actually looks a bit perplexed like she’s not sure what you want her to do. (If you walk into a room she will smile then, but I think that’s more in an “oh hi mama”/relieved to see me way, and from what I have read that’s not the same as true social smiling). She is totally obsessed with letters and numbers and has been for a while which again is a big surprise as my son struggles with anything academic. She seems to get quite obsessed with something but then it passes quite quickly (whereas we are still in firm train obsession land here with my son all these years later😊). And there are some things that we don’t really understand but which worry us. She gets really distressed and hysterical if you sing to her or she hears music, and she’ll say stop singing. There are only a couple of songs she will tolerate.
She is super interested in her brother and wails/mopes when he’s off to school and chases him about and that has been a total delight to see. The biggest change has been that my husband and I both do have a strong bond with her now. It took a long time to come - whereas it was immediate with my son - despite how besotted we were with her. Violet, so much of what you describe is how I felt and how I do feel, although not quite as keenly as in the first 7-8 months. I know exactly that detached feeling, as I think the worrying and sadness just takes over and is like a block, at least it was for me. That was so hard in the beginning and it was difficult to get past the paralysis and sadness of the “please not again” feelings. I was constantly on the look out for signs and to be fair she was very delayed in social milestones so there was stuff to worry about. She also didn’t seem like she needed us much; you could give her to anyone to hold and she’d be fine and not really looking for us (my son would have absolutely howled! Now, she’s the opposite and has quite severe separation anxiety for us both). If it is any consolation, that heavy (and frankly debilitating) sadness did let up, I think as she got bigger and did more, especially as she is very different from my son so I could only compare so much. Now, there has been such a change in our relationship and that has been wonderful. I didn’t expect it after the start we had. I hope the next few months are more gentle on you and she makes good progress. How is your little boy doing with everything, and with being a big brother?
I read your message Christmas, and it resonated so much (and it wasn’t in the least bit selfish). That longing to just have a “normal” parenting experience and finding that, once again, it is not like that is quite crushing isn’t it? Especially, when you have hoped that your child would not have to experience all of the difficulties that you have seen already. I have really struggled with that. I felt like I couldn’t play with my baby or do anything without checking what she was or wasn’t doing and feeling huge waves of sadness. Now I feel like I am in another sad place, where I see my daughter doing things with ease that my son couldn’t. Every time she does something like that I feel a huge pang of sadness for my son and realise just how behind he has been with everything. I have that rising panic again. I don’t feel like I am celebrating her achievements in the way that I should be as I am sad for how hard my son has found things. So it’s a kind of double grieving. I also totally recognise that feeling of drifting away from friends. There is just no real understanding of how different our lives are and how hard it is, especially as my son gets older.
I do get the jealous pangs as well. It’s that thing of just being able to expect certain things for my children and for our lives that I long for. Everyday, mundane, and like you say boring things.
I feel like I may be in a denial phase at the moment in relation to my daughter as she is very different to my son - she can do a lot of things with ease that he really struggled with and she seems to have much better cognitive understanding compared with my son. This has kind of made me think that maybe everything is ok, when I know it likely isn’t. Especially as he was much better socially than she is. If she has asd (and I think she does) it is going to present very differently and less obviously than with my son so that is a whole new challenge. That will and does mean I will have to get into gear and not be in denial which I think I’m guilty of at the moment. Christmas, your message made me stop in my tracks as in many ways it could be me. Same as yours violet and toffee.
I completely relate to the grieving feeling you have all mentioned. I had hoped that the constant and overwhelming worry and panic would not be here for my daughter as it was and is hard enough to manage with my son, and I can only cope with it by focusing on the here and now. Just like toffee said. (Toffee I really hope the wait isn’t too much longer. What you say about managing things day to day is really good advice and the only way I can manage things. Our little ones are similar ages).
I guess we need to grieve a bit to allow us to get to the next bit, when we’ll have to fight our childrens’ corners and be everything we can for them in the way we have before.
Violet, your message wasn’t self indulgent. It is so hard hearing from others that there are difficulties for your child and we are going through this again when we hoped we wouldn’t. You always hope don’t you? It is good to be able to say it in this way, you and toffee are right. We have so little time and space to say, right now I am just totally sad and crushed and worried.
I hope speaking to your in laws goes ok. We haven’t broached it with our families either yet. We are just working it all out ourselves. I hope the days are gentle on you, violet and toffee and others on this tread and I’m sending a big keep going hug over the waves.
I’m sorry if this was a ramble. Self isolation has been interesting shall we say!
Sending big hugs to all (and a big hi and hugs to @Bpr187) x