SN children don't get invited to many parties, I accept that, but this a new fucking low

[Bearfrills]

A few weeks ago DS got invited to a party, his first invite in a year. He doesn't have any particularly close friends so once class parties stopped being a thing and birthday became about doing an activity with 5-6 friends he stopped getting invites. He was really excited about it, chose a gift, and was looking forward to it.

At school yesterday the boy told him he's not invited to the party. DS said he is and he can go if he wants to. No, the boy has said, he can't because it was never a real invitation in the first place. It was a joke invitation.

I've told DS we'll do something nice at the weekend instead of going to the stupid party but he's understandably gutted. No invites is one thing but this is just downright bloody cruel

I’d call the boy’s mum

What a little fucker

No real advice, just bucket loads of sympathy for your DS and you. We are in a similar situation and it sucks I did a whole class party for DS last year and 3 kids came, they just aren't interested in him and the parents want him out of the school so don't encourage their kids to include him. I hate people sometimes!

I'd call school - it's bullying, simply bullying.

I would if it was anyone but her, she won't care. To quote one of the other mums at the gates: "you take your life in your hands dealing with that one."

Looks like the apple didn't fall far from the tree.

IME school will not be interested beyond vaguely sympathetic noises as parties help outside school are not something they will want to get involved in. It absolutely is bullying but they will probably say there's nothing they can do about party politics.

Can you just reply and say "Thanks for the invitation. Your ds said my ds is no longer invited. Can i just check that's right?"

School already know. The boy smacked his book out of his hands after the news was delivered so DS shoved him and they both got a demerit for it.

That is shocking OP, your poor ds. At least you know to give these people a wide berth in future, and encourage ds to do the same.

If this non-invitation was issued and rescinded on school grounds then in my opinion it is something the school should be picking up on.

School won't do anything about it.

To give an idea of what school are like, they have given him another demerit. This time for not having a pen. There have been pens and pencils in his bag every single morning, I put them there myself, but when he came home yesterday the pens were gone and he'd been given a demerit as he apparently hasn't had a pen for over a week. He has ASD, his processing ability and working memory are in the low average range according to WISC-V testing. Being disorganised is a key aspect of this, he will put things down and literally forget they exist until he needs them again but will be unable to remember where he actually left them. And instead of supporting him to develop his organisational skills like we do at home with checklists and verbal reminders, they're demeriting him for it.

One more demerit and he gets a half hour after-school detention.

Point out to them that punishing a child for being disabled - which is what this is - is disability discrimination. Ask for a meeting to discuss how they will support your child to become more organised. If they're resistant, try the head tilt and "It would be such a pity if we had to get the Disability Discrimination Tribunal to sort this out, wouldn't it?"

And remember to document everything, including every stupid punishment like this!

They cannot punish a child for this if this is part of their diagnosis. Please take this further. I'm so sorry.

I've emailed them to say that I'm not comfortable with the demerit for not having a pen as poor organisation skills are a characteristic of his disability and I'd rather he was supported to improve these skills than punished for something he cannot help. I've said that I'm happy to discuss ways and means of trying to improve his skills but that I'm adding the details to the EHC needs assessment request we're in the process of making because I think issues like this are only going to get worse as he moves further up the school.

your poor son, that is shocking behaviour from the other kid
My DS was never included either so get exactly how you feel, your heart breaks for them.
If you feel brave I would mention it to the boys parents because if my child did anything like this I would be livid.
My ASD son is badly organised and I have to micro-manage his day, his uniform, his homework his books everything because if I didn't he would forever be in bother. He was praised in his recentEHCP review for being so organised LOL.

Yep, we micro manage all school stuff and try to get DS to help with one or two things each day. School are being nobs. Glad you are sticking up to them. The party thing is pants. I would mention it to school just to flag up unpleasant behaviour in case it happens again with the little sh*t. Hope you have a lovely time at weekend. Can your boy make friends outside of school through a hobby/interest?

Maybe he'll meet some like-minded people in a different setting.

Its hard when school is difficult, you feel like it goes on forever when you're a kid.

that is just nasty.

I think you should definitely email (so it’s in writing) the school about the incident, it’s bullying and happening in school. Start logging it.

Are you sure your son is losing his pens, pencils and not having them taken?

It was the SENCO who issued the original demerit

SENCO, HT, whoever, they will stick up for each other! You just need it recorded, as oppose to action at this point. If you get action, then it’s a plus!

They will say they don’t have the staff or time to supervise pen use or organisation skills. They will say they cannot supervise what another child says to yours or how your son reacts etc!

This is exactly what you want them to say (in writing), more evidence of why your son needs an EHCP and where support needs to be targeted

I'm writing his EHC Needs Assessment request letter this evening and have emailed school to ask why certain records aren't in the copy of his school file that's been given us. We don't have a copy of his pupil passport, his previous/current targets, or details of what support he currently receives. There is also no record in his file of specific incidents that have been reported to school like when he went on a residential trip and couldn't meet his own care needs and none of the staff thought to check on him, he was sleeping in muddy clothes. Or when two other pupils slapped him hard enough to mark his face and he didn't think to tell staff. I'm presuming these will be noted down somewhere but have asked for confirmation that they are.

SENCO will be opening her emails tomorrow like "FFS, another email from Mrs Frills, day must have a Y in it..."

Have also bought him a bunch of pens printed with "property of " so that next time they go walk-about on school property or he puts them down somewhere and then forgets they exist, there can be no doubt who they belong to.

For the EHC, when I get to the bit where I have to say why I think he needs a plan am I best off using the four areas of need? So bulletpoint "A: Communication and Interaction" then listing what difficulties he has in this area along with examples of when these have been evident and what support he might need? Then repeat for Cognition and Learning, Social Mental and Emotional Health, and Sensory and Physical Needs.

That sounds good. You need to highlight where he has not made adequate progress in any or all of those areas despite the support given by the school. Overall you need to demonstrate if possible that he is likely to need support over and above what is normally available in mainstream schools.

It doesn’t matter who records it, you or school. An email to school about the bullying incident, pens etc is evidence, regardless of whether they reply or not.

Why you think he needs an EHCP, list what provision he gets and show any lack of progress. Lack of progress can include socially/bullying, organisation skills etc as well as unmet targets.

You could also include his needs are complex and the only way to identify what provision is needed, is to assess.

Good luck

You could also include his needs are complex and the only way to identify what provision is needed, is to assess.

That's a good phrase, I'll borrow that as it ties into his cognitive testing scores being variable with a high verbal ability that makes him seem more capable than he actually is. He can talk you a good talk but can't then back it up with the required action.

It is difficult when they come across as high functioning, my DS was overlooked for so long because of this, we literally had to reach crisis point before we got any support from school. One day DS retaliated against the boy that was making his life hell and 'choked' him around the neck. The only reason he didn't get an exclusion was because of his SEN. He had put up with so much and held it all in for so long and then erupted

Good Luck OP I hope you get the outcomes you need for him

I have an email confirming he receives no extra support in lessons other than the teacher periodically checking in with him, this contradicts directly with the recommendation from his neurologist that he has specific support from a named adult along with details of what this support should entail. I can now go down the route of requesting an assessment due to his needs being complex and there being a disconnect between what school are providing and what other professionals have recommended. It wraps up the angle of an assessment being the only way to get a proper overview of his needs.