the extra strain of having a child with special needs on a relationship

[lourobert]

Ive also posted of the relationhsip board as I know that relationhsips can strain when you have a child but then it occured to me I wonder if there has been any additional strain due to our ds having additional needs or would our relatinship still be like this if things were different...iyswim??!

Obviously weve both been through the whole grieving rocess together and I feel that we lost of the sense of us a while ago as all our focus was on ds...I fear its too far goen to be able to get back.

Just wondered what peoples thoughts were?

Thank you Mumble, he is

Fio's DD is adorable and full or character too. You should have seen her at DS2's party last week, boogying away to the music and taking pleasure in everything! I had to force myself to pay other people's children some attention because I just wanted to keep hugging her!

I agree, Fio, and immune not just to disabilities - which can happen to people at any time, not just at birth - but to Bad Stuff.

Is it necessarily bad? Depends how you look at it, I guess.

I mean, there's other stuff besides 'disabilities'. Like mental illness. Like substance abuse. Like being caught in a war zone. Like a child going missing, etc. etc.

It's like Stephen Fry said about his bipolar disease, it's been the bane of his existence, but he wouldn't trade it, because then he wouldn't be who he is.

(Did you get my email last week Fio?)

My (D)P and I have reached a hideous stalemate, I resent him for his lack of emotional/mental support fo me and DS (and DD)which exhausts me and frustrates me so all my energies go into the children.

He says I don't support him and am not interested in his work (which involves being overseas 50% time - his choice as he owns the co.) and I didn't call him/email him enough whilst he was in Singapore and Australia for the last 3 weeks. I asked him if I should just ignore our DS so I can make time to email him?

He supports his perfectly able mother far more than he does me, taking a 1/2 day hol and driving her to the solicitors (6 miles, she does drive too) to sign an annex to her will (already written and just needed her to sign in fromt of solicitor - not even in our favour either!)but at that point had been to 2 appointments for DS out of 40 in 2 years.

I don't think we can remain together, yesterday he told me he was not happy and cannot remember a time that we were. This really pi**es me off as he was the one who pressurised me into having a 2nd child and moving to this vast, run-down house that he knows I didn't ever want to live in.

I will not pander to him and treat him like the spoilt child he wants to be treated like as a) he is an adult and b) I don't have the emotional energy left to do so even if I wanted too.

Expat, hats off to you. I suspect my (D)H has Aspergers (as does a close friend whos DS and DH have it) and I actually think this makes our life harder.

And mumble, of all the extra stress that DS has had on our life I wouldn't be without him, I am so sorry for your loss.

Alycat.. could you try counselling? It really doesn't help.. it opens up the lines of communication if nothing else, so at least you can be sure if splitting up is the option you need to take..

I do believe not all disabilities are created equal, aly. And some would be much harder to live with, indeed.

Having DH screened for CF made me quite blase about having a more children too Fio. It doesn't do to think like that does it?!

I couldn't agree more, Fio, it's just life. But most people do see it as 'bad'.

What a shame.

I can't imagine living life like that.

Horses for courses, I guess.

Siblings are amazing. DD (8) treats DS with just the "right" amount of affection/respect and assists him constantly.. all without thinking and all without trying.

DS1 seems to resent DS a bit more and is less affection with him, but then he does currently have to share a room with him, "muck spreading" notwithstanding!

Your DS is fab Fio.. he seems to have matured about 10 years since last time I saw him!

lourobert,

Sorry for the hijack, I'm feeling a little delicate (an sorry for myself) this morning.

Thanks for the messages everyone. Alycat x

I think as a parent of a SN child the fear of the future is my greatest worry - I try not to overthink about it!

On a day to day basis we do loads as a split family - 1 parent to 1 child. Events, weddings, shopping even the simple things like collecting DD from a party has to be pre arranged like a military operation as DS just wouldn't get why he was there/ not invited/waiting......

Relaxing is not a word I associate with holidays!

but ......(a little off topic im afraid) Sunday DD was ballet dancing with her dance school at old peoples home, I took her while hubby was home with ds. There was a lady there with dementia who was very vocal but so enjoying the performance (turned out she used to be on the stage) While we were waiting to collect children after some of the mums were being horrible - laughing about this woman carrying her doll and being so vocal. I made some pointed comments to these mums.

My DD (8) wasn't laughing, she understood that people are different, I was so proud.

Hey, no to need apologise for thread high jacking and I think its great that people have had a bit of a rant it was a rant obviously lie in wait to come out.....!!!! rant away....!

mumble your son reminded me of a young lad i used to work with he had CP he couldnt sit or talk nor see but he had THE most ifectious laugh I have ever ever known, he dies recently at 19- he was amazing....actually alot of times recently I have thought of him and Ive smiled and found the urge to carry on. He was bloody fabulous he reallt really was, Such a wicked sense of humour and loved the ladies

Its so important that we rant way like this. sometimes thats enough to sigh a breath and carry on or just to hear that someone knows what your going through and can relate.

i worry alot about the future. Ive worked with adults with disabilities and know how shit day service provision is- scares the hell out of me.

How are you doing, lou?

Hope you feel you've found support here.

totally totally understand and can relate to all written here.xx

found masses of support....! Its good to hear other peoples experiences and mainly to know that your not alone as i know i often get this feeling of such isolation and feel that its only me ever having gone through this, i know its not but you can see what i mean.

I hope this thread didnt upset anyone, that wasnt my intention, starting o thinki should have put a bit more thought into it before starting it, sorry for that.

I seem to have bad and good days. godd where I think we can do it and others that im not so ure, i will try not to make any rash decisions though.

SOmetimes just wish my life was 'normal' again...what that may be.

I remember a nurse saying to me when my ds seizures started...a normal life is a boring one, Id take boring right now thanks!!