DH has really hurt me with his comments

[rainydaywoman]

Hi,this is my first time posting and really need to off load somewhere as have no one else to talk to.

My DD is 4 and has some speech and language issues and other behavioural problems that have yet to be diagnosed.
I have had to fight to get her assessed and heve made numerous phone calls to professionals and written to LEA ,school governers ,paediatricians to get help.

We had an appointment come through to see a clinical speciallist at home so I e mail DH to ask if he could make that appointment.We are lucky to get an appointment so soon.
He sends an e mail back saying
"do I need to be there"

I could'nt believe he had to ask it is an appointment for thr family to discuss DD and establish her needs.

DH has always been verbally abusive when he has had a few drinks and says I say things which i know I have'nt.
Tonight he comes in after a few drinks and I discuss the appointment with him and say i could'nt believe he had to ask if he needed to be there.i have been the one who has gone to numerous meetings and sorted most things out and he turned round and said I have sorted shit out and it's my fault DD is the way she is and I have turned his child into a retard.

I just could not believe he could say something like this and I don't want to offend anyone just quotig what he said to me.
He has said some pretty awful things in the past but this is beyond belief and I am sat here in tears and feeling numb.

How do oyu forgive your DH for saying something like that?

I just wondered if anyone else had had issues with there DH blaming them for their child's problems and whether it's just because I am her mother it is somehow my fault.
I am struggling at the moment anyway and this has just knocked my self esteem even lower.

Is it that he is in denail and this is the only way he knows to get out his hurt by blaming someone.

If that what he thinks of me as a mother how can our marriage survive this?

Sorry you are going through such a cack time, RDW.

I agree with a lot of what other people have posted - SN issues do adversly affect relationships, not everybody deals with it the same, denial and blame are common reactions. However, his behavior is unnacceptable and downright vile. You need to be able to talk this through rationally - maybe counselling would help? Did this with dh last year and it did make a difference - different issues but same underlying causes iyswim. Though Dh still has a tendency to suspect and ignore a lot of the advice / comments from various professionals re our dd. Sometimes I can see where he is coming from, other times I can't.

Wishing you all the best. Vent away. I hope things calm down soon x

I so sympathise with you. I have also felt that I might as well be a single parent as in the past I have always faced meeting etc on my own & yes it is very dawnting having to sit there and input and listen in front of proffessionals. They do tend to make you feel quite uncomfortable anywya. Is there not a voluntary oraginsation where some one may beable to come along to these meeting with you. What about contacting the LEA & asking if they can put you in touch with a group for support so that someone could come with you to this meeting & appointments etc? So you do not feel on your own. I know this does not stop you thinking tha it should be your dh attending them with you but you do need suport. It is very hard to deal with all this by yourself. I know as I have done it myself. I have someone asigned to us as support through "SNIPS", however even then they usually only come to review meetings etc so this may not help with regards to the other apps/Sorry I can not be of any more help rainydaywoman. but my thoughts are with you. If you want a chat let me know.

RDW sorry to abandon you last night, had to go to bed - knackered. Hopefully the meeting will help bring things to a head for him. He does sound a bit, well a lot selfish disappearing to the pub every night and he needs to understand that this is not acceptable, in ANY family. He does sound like a man with his head very much in the sand im afraid.

Well, we have had some of this. You have my sympathy.

Definitely the SN caused a strain on the relationship. To an extent we also had the drinking. And there was some correlation; not so much that poor DH couldn't cope and so drank to forget; more that the strain on our relationship made DH hate me, so he drank to punish me. (There is some Oedepal stuff in there too but I try not to think about that! ) We went to Relate. Things are not entirely fixed, but we are still married and the drinking has abated.

At no point, however, has DH ever tried to control what I do, dictate how long I spend online, or make snide comments about my performance as a Stepford Housewife. He is 100% supportive in that sense and always tells me what a good mother I am and how lucky DD1 is that she has me to fight her corner. I think that's a separate problem and indicates a lack of respect for you and what you do - once you gave up work you apparently became his servant and as your master he has the right to criticise you.

My concern is that because he doesn't respect you, he won't a) agree to anything you suggest to fix the relationship or b) value your opinion on DD's problems. I don't know how you get that respect back (or, indeed, if the respect of such an idiot is worth having) but I can't see you fixing the deeper stuff without it. Maybe if you get an official diagnosis backing you up it will be a start.

it sounds intolerable to me, men do find it harder to come to terms with SN, IME it is usually the mums that do this first and the men continue to fill their nostrils with sand (or was that just in my house)
i would be more worried about his treatment of you than his coming to terms with the SN bit.

Just nipped on quickly,thanks everyone will reply properly later.

Have'nt heard from DH all day so have just sent him an e mail to gage his mood.

Just asked him what time he would be home for dinner
His answer was

5.30 I suspose,what are we having?

Have had this sort of response before and that tells me he is obviously still fed up and if he does'nt like the sound of whats for dinner he will probably not come straight home.

rainyday, i suggest you email him back and say you are making his favourite - i mean, the poor luv needs pandering too doesnt he, but well sometimes it pays to keep the upper hand in this way, he wont know that you have peed in it will he!

lucyellensmum
I totally agree - keep the upper hand - try to outnice him!

rainyday, hows things today? didnt see you last night, hope all is well xxx

My dh got frustrated when he had to cut up my ds2(8) kfchicken last night, as he can not use a knife & fork as he should due to his dcd. He did not want to use his hand as he does not like getting his hands greasy, so if he wants to have it cut up then he can. He does try to cut up his food but continues to struggle. I do encourage him to use a knife & fork & he does not use a spoon now. My ds takes part in a op thereapy programme & physio programme regualrly to improve this. My ds also has a severe allergy to peanuts which in itself is a huge worry everyday for all the family, & allergic to many other things, Asthamitc & he may have add/adhd. He is very hard work & with all the pressure we both find him hard to control, we get very frustrated & feel extremly drained which does put pressure on our relationship but we plod along & he is an understanding dad & dh most of the time, but he reminded me a little of your dh rainydaywoman last night, as when my dh was cutting his food he made a comment about why my ds could not cut it up. Along the lines of" you should be able to do this by yourself by now your old enoug but it becasue your a "". I wont say on here what it was but it was quite offensive & I picked him up on it & told him about this thread & the responces from people with regards to the comment you dh said & his attitude. He said this infront of my ds & the sad thing is on a regular basis has been called stupid by a member of my family as this person cant cope with my ds. I stand my ground now & will not put up with such comments by any one & least not my dh. He should know better. He is not stupid, he has special needs, infact he is quite an intelligent boy & is not given enough credit. I continued to queston him over the comment & he just said he ws joking & of course he did not really mena it. I was more angry at the fact that my ds heard this & has low self asteem anyway & alot to cope with anyway with all his problems. Surely making this sort of comments in front of your my ds is contributing to how he is feeling?! Just reasurring you that you are not alone & although this is is slightly different to your situation & my dh does not drink regualrly so I do not have to put up with what you have been experiencing on a regular basis but the situation is very similar & I do sometimes experience the nastyness & unexceptable behaviour when he goes out once in a while does not stick to the same alcoholic drink which then turns him in to a different person. I used to and still occasionally get the "I was drunk, I didnt say that, I cant remember" & then Im expected to forget about it which I struggle to do as this hurts but he now understands that he does do these things & say these things & only really because he did not want to believe me(why he would thnk that I would make such tihngs up I dont know) but when others say to him that he did say this & he did act in this paricular way & it was unexceptable, tihs made him realise that he does have to drink less when he goes out, not mix his drinks as if he drinks the same drink he is a happy chappy & it is him & not me.

soz for the essay guys Got carried away. ....... sorry.......(blush)

Sorry J76 if I didn't completely understand your story, but does he only say aggressive things (like stupid) when he's had a drink?

Rainy, hope all's well, I wanted to explain why my response before was in a list form - I feel that your problems are becoming one big blur of badness (I've been there). I find that the only way to get through these times is to separate each incident out. So if he can't come to the meetings, don't let that be a reason for being upset with him. What I'm saying is, build your independence and he may come to support you when he's ready. If he doesn't, at least you know where you stand and if the worst comes to the worst, at least your children have support from someone else being at their meetings.
I've had a crap day but

...hope yours was better!

lucyellensmum-mrsmarvel-
he came home last night 45 mins later than he said he would and I got the feeling that was just to make a point.

I told him how hurt and disgusted I was by his comments last night and he said it was my fault as I kept on at him and make him say those things.
I explained that no one can make anyone say things they don't want to and he was using that as an excuse.
He then went on to bring up my anxiety and over protective nature towards our DD and turned it around pointing out my faults.
He said there was nothing to come ghome for only his DD and that is why he stays out and drinks.

Julia76-Alot of your post I could relate to and sounded just like my DH .
My DH also says I baby my little girl and I still cut up her food and she also hates getting her hands dirty with food.

I too get comments from DH's family and have bitten my tounge in the past but feel afterwards I have let DD down so when we visit in August I am not going to put up with any snide comments,if I upset anyone so be it.

As for the drinking i can totally understand how frustrating it is to have horrible things said to you and then to be told the next day he did'nt say them.They stay with you and is difficult to forgive.

I was hoping tonight he would make an effort with the weekend coming up and start it off positivly especially after this week and all that has been said but Irang him at 6.50 and he was in the pub.

He said what do you want and I said I was just wondering if you were on the way home.

There was a lot of laughing in the background and he said another hour,he said he had been working all week and it was Friday night and he was having a drink.

I rang back 10 mins later and said I'd had a really hard day and had he remembered toget the shopping i had asked him to bring home,to which he replied
Why don't you get out of thr f**king house and get it.

He is not home yet so am sat here yet again knowing he is has been in the pub since 5pm and will be in a right state when he gets in.

Did'nt want to give too much away before as he may look at this site and my thread but also have another NT child who was asking when daddy would be home and I don't know what to tell him.
I hope it does'nt look like I was ignoring my other child it's just I don't weant DH to recongnise me from this thread.

Have had a long week and feel like a totally useless mother to allow this to go on any longer.
My children deserve more.

Mrs Marvel-sorry was not ignoring your last post have only just seen it and writing my long epic.

I understand what you mean by writing it in list form but I fear if I did that the list would be too long and daunting go way back,things I have in dealt with in the past.

DH has said he will attend the meeting and has put it in his diary,that's big of him,sorry bit of sarcasm there.

Sorry you have had a crap day hope the weekend is better for you.

Mrs Marvel. No he does not just say aggressive tihngs when his drunk. But its not a regular thing. The comment he made that I was talking about was a comment he said when he was sober but he generally only says nasty things & is aggresive when he has had lots to drink & only then when he has not stuck to the same thing. Hope i have made myself clear now.

Rainydaywoman: you are not a useless mother & this is not your fault. you sound like a wonderful mother & it is circumstances that are making you feel like this...

It's uncanny how similar our situations are - it reminds me a bit of what it was like for me until about a year ago - I took the DDs away and asked him to leave it got so bad. Since then things have changed in that the nastiness has stopped (mostly). He does a little more round the house. It's taken loads of "nagging" and that's because he ignores. I don't want to have to do that any more. Anyway, I've now decided to just be the "main carer", do all the things that need to be done and don't expect him to do anything I ask at all and that way I'm not disappointed.
BUT - yesterday, my crap day, we had a hospital appointment. I was big and bold and let him stay back and was glad at first he wasn't there. Then something bad happened and I needed him there as a witness and now I feel useless because I let the bad thing happen.
Rainy, LuceE, Julia, one major change since last year was the nastiness - all the hard work is bearable when there is respect in the house. But I won't tolerate the nastiness any more - if it does creep out I do a big glare and turn my back. If it gets out of hand again I'm off.

Mrsmarvel, similar thing to me. I left with ds's in tow after an incident which made me realise I wasnt tolarating his behaviour any longer. We then sorted things out & things improved drastically since this(left over 2&1/2 yrs ago)for a short period of time but first time I had left. . He reaslied I was not just saying I would leave & actually did it. Things improved but it did not happen over night & yes he still says the odd thing that is unexeptable, behaviours in a way he should not sometimes but far far less then he had done in the past & never as regualrly as b4. I told him on many occasions he need to respect me more & go to anger management courses if he still could not control his temper. This was a condition if things did not get any better & I can honestly say he dreads the idea of attending such a course (although he does acknowledge he finds it hard to control his temper, although he seems to be coping much better with it & can stop a outburst but still has a long way to go yet. Its a case with me of reminding him not to shout & scream etc when he gets impatient or over the slightest little thing & if he is treating me in a way he should not for not reason at all I remind him that I will not stand for the behaviour & this usually works but things are so much better. We get on brilliantly compared to in the past. I feel happy(happiest I ever have) & we have been together a long time. He is a wonderful dad & dh despite his faults(temper etc) The comment he made re cutting up my ds dinner the other night, was out of order & he realised this after. He Said he was joking, which did not make me feel any better, but thankfully I do not have to put up with things like this on going as it wares you down. I do hope that things improve for you too Rainydaywoman as you should not have to put up with such behaviour but our situation is slghtly different & before things can get any better, he has to acknowledge he is the course or problem tpo begin with. Sorry if i have offended you. Maybe I have not worded that rigt. Maybe problem is not the right word but I hope you undersatnd what I am getting at here. Hope all turns out for the best... & here if you need support as are everyone else.

my (NOT darling) 'partner' cant cope with the boys, he ignores them and wont help out with them, calls them derogatory names (taking the mickey out of their SN)and has a temper, often resulting in vast bouts of verbal abuse.

It might sound weird, but i ignore him, i pity him really. Ive even wandered off and done something else when he starts on with the verbal. I have better things to do. I cannot 'rationalise or argue it out' with him, he is a fine wordsmith and tries to make me feel like everything is my fault. but i believe in myself....and i put the blame for his behaviour squarely where it belongs....with him.

Dont internalise it, youre lost if you do. You know youre doing a great job. If Hubby behaves in that way, thats to do with him and not you.

J76, glad to hear your problems are kind of under control, we are in a similar position. You have to go through the downs to get back to the ups. Leilel, sad to hear about verbal abuse to your DCs but great that you have strength and power to not get sucked into his arguments. You're showing them a good example. How do the DCs deal with his put-downs though?

MrsMarvel; the boys seem to ignore him (which is very easy for them as they have ADHD and listening to anyone for more than 10 seconds is rare! and in these circumstances it gives them a really thick skin which is very helpful.

Idiot partner doesnt do anything around the house and doesnt contribute financially, and hes verbally abusive and i have had to point out to the boys that not all men are like this. (I didnt want them to grow up thinking this example is 'normal').

They have had bits of conversations at school with other kids and have found that their dad is the exception. So they seem to know that when he puts them down and doesnt help out it is not normal or right.

(Despite being on the go all the time they have massive amounts of empathy and a good moral stance and this has helped them.... Though 6 year old SN kids shouldnt have to put up with this behaviour from adults and they shouldnt have to be undermined. These are complex issues that no 6 year old should have to put up with.

The school has recently helped with an anti-bullying campaign aimed at school kids, but the boys immediately pointed out the comparison to their daddy. the emphasis in the anti-bullying campaign is that bullying behaviour is wrong.

Obviously sometimes it does get through to them...I have told them that when their daddy is old they will have the choice of which sort of care home he goes in. One of them went away and found a pack of Asda 'smart price' (budget/cheapo)toilet rolls and pointed at the smart price logo. The indication is clear... they will choose the 'smart price' of care homes.

Thanks for sharing that, but I would never hint at being abusive back to my DH - then I've really lost the battle and sunk as low as him. I tend to say things like calm down, chill out, listen to yourself, count to 10, and then turn away. I actually think it's his upbringing - his family shout and bitch at each other and he expects that from us too. I don't ever want my girls to pick up that Mummy can be nasty too, I want to leave it in his world and not bring it into mine or theirs. Hope I don't sound too sanctimonious, I'm definitely not perfect, but I think it would really scare them if they saw me doing it too.

J76, another thing, my DH is also terrified of going for help / therapy - they're a load of quacks he thinks. Just can't win.

mrsmarvel, i dont really understand what youre saying there (its late, im tired, lol). & maybe i've got the wrong end of the stick.... but...

I feel that i would be letting the boys down if i stayed silent in the background and let them believe that their dads behaviour was 'normal male' behaviour. So they now know that when he says nasty stuff to them, its just him being silly, and is an unkind thing to say, and most people wouldnt say such things (such as using the derogatory and inaccurate 'R' word to refer to them to their faces for instance e.g "youre a pair of ret**ds").

Hes an adult, he has responsibility for what he says. Its my responsibility to prioritise the boys. if the NOT darling partner cant change (and hes had lord only knows how many chances) then he needs to be ignored, & i have to mitigate his negative verbal effects on the boys, by pointing out how nice people behave.

I do not believe it is 'sinking to his level' to bring his behaviour out into the open and contrast it with much better examples. Like ive said, the boys dont seem to take his derogatory comments seriously any more, because they know hes just being silly. (and they have found out that classmates dads dont say such silly things to their kids).

besides i was really left with no choice; it was either stay silent and let his comments gradually eat away at the boys, or see it for what it was (bullying) and help them realise that bullying isnt acceptable, (even when its your dad) it is not 'normal' and it cant be tolerated. Which is what they are told at school 2.