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SN children

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Original poster

Additional needs child 'bullying'

26 replies

mlps83 · 23/04/2018 23:08

Looking for advice as I'm at my wits end...
My LO is having a really tough time with a boy in his class hitting and insulting him. He is 5 and just started school. My son is doing well but is starting to become visibly upset by it. The thing is that the other boy has additional needs - obviously the school won't say what these are to me but they are quite pronounced emotional difficulties. I've been to the headteacher twice but it's not improving. I'm aware it's such a sensitive situation but ultimately my once strong, happy little guy is being worn down by it. The other boy is big and behaviours have meant my son coming home visibly hurt or property damaged as a result on more than one occasion. I'm asking in this section because I'm aware the difficulties the child has are at the root of it most likely... tia

OP posts:

CaptainKirkssparetupee · 24/04/2018 06:57

If your son is coming home hurt then the school are failing at their job.

BlankTimes · 24/04/2018 10:51

Have a word with the Safeguarding officer at the school and ask how they intend to stop your son being hurt. Tell then what you've said above.

Don't ask what they intend to do about the other child, focus on your little boy's needs to be safe in class.

zzzzz · 24/04/2018 14:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

mlps83 · 24/04/2018 16:25

Thanks. All advice taken. I wish I had taken the email route earlier and was about to send my first today literally when the phone rang - headteacher apologising that she'd "forgotten" to inform the other child's parents. This was only brought to light because I asked the other mum today whether she was aware of it - she had no idea it was going on and phoned the school. I'm furious the school didn't take my child's safety seriously enough to follow it up. Have a joint meeting next week with other parent and HT. Hope for some progress.

OP posts:

zzzzz · 24/04/2018 16:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpringerLink · 24/04/2018 19:42

This sounds pretty badly managed by the school.

On a more practical note, my DS became the “victim” of a child with additional needs in year 1. The other child could be pretty violent, up to and including throttling my DS.

In the end, we talked it through and thought the interest in DS was most likely the other child trying to play but not knowing how and getting frustrated. Probably didn’t help that my DS has ASD (expecting diagnosis shortly, he’s now in year 4). When we parents, with the school, managed their friendship and organised regular play dates, the “bullying” stopped as they had better ways to interact. They stayed friends until the other child moved to
a special school.

Original poster

mlps83 · 24/04/2018 23:00

Yep - very badly managed. Let's just say I shant miss the headteacher next week - she's not getting off lightly. I feel unsure about the joint meeting as I know this sounds negative but it's neither my nor my child's place to fix this. However, I'm willing to hear it out and force the issue of how they can guarantee his safety more clearly than I have previously. Also not least because at least if I'm present I stand half a chance of knowing how they're taking it forward since the school's communication leaves much to be desired.

OP posts:

Original poster

mlps83 · 24/04/2018 23:20

That's interesting SpringerLink. I had wondered of a situation like that - rough play gone too far sort of thing especially because my child is very outgoing so maybe 'accessible' in a way but it seems also just plain violent and deliberate at other times too. Maybe play would help as it did for you.

OP posts:

zzzzz · 24/04/2018 23:34

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

mlps83 · 25/04/2018 08:53

I get the feeling the school reckons we'll have a discussion and that'll be it. Simple eh? My thoughts were similar to yours. I really think if I was the other kid's parent I wouldn't want this but it was actually her idea. I don't even really want it for me but since the HT is clearly incompetent I feel I should go although what I can bring to the coversation I really don't know I just hope to come away with a clear view of what will happen to move forwards.

OP posts:

Andro · 26/04/2018 10:14

I find the idea that the parents should meet to discuss this really very odd.

I don't find it odd, but given the rest of what the OP has posted, I doubt it will achieve much.

Meeting the mother of my ds's now best friend was the right path for both boys, between us we were able to work out what was happening and why. Once we had that information we were able to formulate a strategy to safeguard my ds, while also helping both boys interact - which is what they wanted. I shudder to think how many combined hours were put in by all 4 parents, SENCO, headmaster, class teacher and ed psyc to make it happen, but it worked out.

The important factor in my ds's case though, was that his safety was a priority. We trusted the school to look after him, that provided the foundation and headspace for the rest.

OP, unless you trust the school to take a 'safety first' approach, be very cautious about what they seek to achieve in this meeting. You wouldn't be the first paret a school tried to railroad using this type of set up!

Frusso · 27/04/2018 16:55

I feel I should go although what I can bring to the coversation I really don't know
That you feel they are failing to safeguard either child.
Your issue does seem to be with the school, rather than the other child or parent, and you are right there, the school is failing in their duty of care not only to your child but the other child too.
And whilst the other child is not your concern, yours is, perhaps together you and the other mum can push the school to support them both properly.

Original poster

mlps83 · 28/04/2018 07:53

Yeah. I've written down all the points I need to cover and it comes back to two things for me: my son has a right to be safe at school and I'm unhappy with the lack of attention the school has paid to my concerns raised at the previous meetings. The school must fulfil their responsibility (to both boys) and get support in place as currently there's none. I'm deeply unhappy with the headteacher but not with the other parent although now she is aware I hope she fulfils her responsibility in it too.Thanks for the advice everyone I appreciate the objective views.

OP posts:

zzzzz · 28/04/2018 08:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Frusso · 28/04/2018 11:08

Your terminology is duty of care.

Sel82 · 28/04/2018 13:40

Sorry but what do you mean the other parents fulfills her responsibility? Do u not think she feels rubbish that her son is hurting others and there is not much she can do about it as he has a disability and finds it more difficult to learn...

U should channel ur anger at school as that is where this is happening and the mum isn’t at school... rather than discussing her responsibilities as I’m sure she is aware of them...

zzzzz · 28/04/2018 13:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

mlps83 · 28/04/2018 16:27

What I mean is that I hope that now she is aware of the situation she fulfils her resposibility in forcing the issue of support for her son as I can't do that and I know they've been stalled on it so far. Absolutely my anger is channelled at the school as I mentioned before and they are responsible for both boys whilst there. I have every sympathy for the other mum - I realise the position she is in and the worries she must have for her own son's welfare - but it would be a mistake to think the other child's parents have no role in aiding his social development whether through outside support or the school.

OP posts:

Sel82 · 28/04/2018 19:24

That’s just it it’s genuinely not your business what she does/is doing to aid anything to do with her son... and lol if only it was as easy as ‘forcing’ the issue of support for her son ...
Anyway, I hope this issue is resolved for both boys sakes.

zzzzz · 28/04/2018 19:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Allthewaves · 30/04/2018 10:15

I'm the parent of the 'bully' in this situation right now. I came on to post about it. I'm actively avoiding all parents as I'm mortified, embarrassed and struggling. My ds who just turned 5 is amazing but he's also violent and agressive and the school are managing it badly and don't have the resources. Iv asked for my son not to be allowed to play with a particular child that is his victim. Iv been harassing the school to statement him since Sept but no. So now I'm applying myself. He's also underdiagnosis for asd and probably has adhd but they won't look at that until hes 6. I'm facing ds being excluded or put on a reduced timetable. It's a bloody mess and unfair on everyone.

Go and kick up a stink. Make complaints to the school, govenors, and Lea. Take it futher every child has a right to be safe. Inclusion can only work when sen kids are properly supported

Allthewaves · 30/04/2018 10:17

And no I would not agree to parents meeting in this situation. Is not appropriate when sen is involved

Twofigsnotgiven · 30/04/2018 11:31

Allthewaves, I’ve been there. It’s so unbelievably hard. Your child is not a ‘bully’. He will most likely either not know how to play appropriately, or his behaviour is a result of extreme anxiety.
The should should not exclude him if his behaviours are linked to SEN. Write to the governors asking what the school is doing to support your son’s suspected SEN, because you are unhappy with the school’s approach so far.
We had to wait until 6 for an ADHD referral, but for ASD there is no reason to delay referral. Push for it. Involve your GP. Also contact local support groups who will be able to help you with school.
We were so lucky with DS’s school - they have been amazing - but I’ve heard some awful stories from other parents.
OP - protect your child, meet with the school. Don’t put anything on the other mum, trust me, she is probably at breaking point. School should in no way have a meeting between you and the other parent. It’s utterly inappropriate to discuss another child’s SEN with you, and that’s what this behaviour is.

Allthewaves · 30/04/2018 12:08

Twofigsnotgiven - I'm shocked to be I this situation tbh as shool have managed my others boys sen brilliantly and one has a statement they applied for. They just seem to have lost the will with my youngest. It's a very high needs class and money has dried up. I'm so annoyed at the education board. I'm in touch with two local charity's. And your right, my youngest has awful social skills. We are working on it at home.

Twofigsnotgiven · 30/04/2018 12:35

Allthewaves I don’t know where you live, but in our area, no new higher needs funding is being awarded by the LEA. My son has had it for a few years now, but it’s been cut by around 1/3 so school need to pay more of the costs without changing the provision. It’s awful.

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