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SN children

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Original poster

It seems I have a "Horrible Child".

19 replies

slightlymad · 02/08/2004 11:10

I can't believe it.....

Yet again I have allowed someone else's ignorance and pure rudeness to completely flatten me and ruin my new found positive mood.
I was just in the 'school uniform shop' buying DS's 1st ever uniform.
After we were finished trying on (a hardship in itself with DS's sensory and behaiviour problems) he was sat back in his major buggy whilst we were paying.
He had his 'Spiderman' toy with him and he was holding it up to my daughter saying (very loudly as he invariably does with his dyspraxia)
"I spiderman I gonna punch you in a face"
The mother of the 'perfect family' behind me said,

"What a horrible child that is".

And what did I say in reply?????
NOTHING.
I just stood there, yet again, absolutely in shock. The best I managed was to give her a real dirty look and glare at her until she turned away.
Of course - I thought of all my perfect one-liner replies after I had left the shop.
I can't believe i've let someone do this to me again. I'm sat here feeling absolutely gutted about it. I was in a really bright mood - happy and feeling all emotional at seeing him dressed in his 1st uniform and I've let a jumped up nobody take that away from me.

OP posts:

throckenholt · 02/08/2004 11:15

she had no idea of the background to your situation - you do. Trust your judgement over hers and forget what she said. She has no impact on your life (as you have none on hers).

Remember and enjoy the rest of your shopping trip, forget that bit.

mrsflowerpot · 02/08/2004 11:18

How horrible people are. Nasty nasty lady who will end up with nasty nasty children if they take after her...

I have a real pet hate for adults who say things like that about children. It's totally totally out of order in my opinion - and a horrible example to set to your own children.

Hugs to you and your ds. Do something really nice with him today.

Thomcat · 02/08/2004 11:32

But he's not a horrible boy is he, he's wonderful, a little trooper, your baby, a very special little boy who is bright and brave and has a lot to deal with.
Smile to yourself that you are a better person than the rude and ignorant woman in the shop. What sort of person does she think she's perceived as, saying things like that and in front of her own children. I only hope her children grow up to be ashamed of her ignorance and don't take on her prejudices themselves.
You might have felt better if you'd explained things to her but she sounds like the sort of woman to far up her own backside to have been able to understand and really hear you. Sod her and get back to being proud of your son in his 1st school uniform and how well he coped with it all.

SofiaAmes · 02/08/2004 15:38

Oh how sad. Not to excuse her behavior, but I do think that a lot of people are just not aware of the "symptoms" of some special needs children. I probably wouldn't have spotted the signs before mumsnet. In fact just the other day a child came over and whacked my dd in the playground. It wasn't very hard, more of a flap than anything else. I was about to say something and then realized that something wasn't quite right (child continued to flap). His mother hadn't seen the incident and I decided not to even mention anything as she probably had enough on her hands without having to apologize to me for something she couldn't really do anything about (short of locking her child in a closet). I don't think that before mumsnet, I would have realized that this was probably an autistic (or similar) child and would have said something to the mother. Having said all of that, I was in line in Cosco a few weeks ago and a particulary horrible child (who was clearly not SN) was teasing my ds by showing him all the books her grandmother was buying for him and kept reminding him that he only had one book which wasn't as good as all of hers. I have to admit that I did make a comment to dh rather loudly about horrble children.

Angeliz · 02/08/2004 15:40

judgemental cow

nutcracker · 02/08/2004 15:44

TBH I don't think she should be making comments like that about anyone elses child, wether they have special needs or not.

My NT Dd2 (4) is fanatical about spiderman at the mo, and thats just the type of thing she would of said to her sister.

How dare that person make a comment about someone she doesn't even know.

Old bag

mummytosteven · 02/08/2004 15:44

poor you
i would just assume a kid saying that sort of thing was, well, just being a kid saying that sort of thing (i.e. normal childish behaviour), and wouldn't really attach any meaning or signifance to it if I saw that when out shopping, let alone have the ill manners to comment to the mother. unfortunately as soon as you have a baby, you do feel like you become public property, and people do feel they have the freedom to come out with the most ignorant, invasive comments

Jimjams · 02/08/2004 16:14

Stuns me that she could completely fail to notice a major buggy tbh. She's obviously a bit dim. How lucky she is not have to know anything about SN and instead be able to spend her life making ignorant comments.

I had similar in the park the other day - a woman who obviously completely failed to notice that a 5 year old wasn't talking at all but was just making yelps and moaning noises. Hitting himself in the face is obviously normal in her book as well. This in her tiny mind didn't signify SN at all. She pissed me off immensly so I came home and ranted about her.

Something I find helpful in these circumstances is to remined myself that these people wouldn't last 5 minutes with my son.

I did read a book once which suggested preparing responses in advance- keeping quiet and saying nothing was a perfectly acceptable response btw- as the book pointed out its a)no-one elses business and b) sometimes its less hassle to you to keep quiet. The idea is to make it easiest for you,not stupid cows like that. I don't think they realise how awful one comment can make you feel.

Original poster

slightlymad · 02/08/2004 17:27

Thankyou to all of you for your kind comments.
It really helps to get responses like this! - Helps to get things into perspective and see how luck I am to be blessed with DS.
I was also a bit perplexed over how she 'missed' the major buggy - and the big laced up piedros whilst he was in little shorts and t-shirt! God knows she stared at him for long enough! - But then again - ignorance and all that....!!
Anyway - I have had a lovely day at my friends house - all the kids have played in the garden and her paddling pool all day in the lovely sunshine and we all feel really refreshed.
Thanks for all your replies

OP posts:

ScummyMummy · 02/08/2004 17:52

Seems you met a horrible woman, slightlymad. Grrr to her. Hope it hasn't ruined your day too much.

coppertop · 02/08/2004 18:08

If that's the kind of comment a "perfect" mother makes then thank god I'm not one! She shouldn't have been making comments like that about ANY child out with his mother - SN or not. The Spiderman comments sound exactly like the kind of thing that any 4yr-old boy would make. He's not horrible at all.

Ds1 tried on most of his new uniform on today so I know just what you mean about getting all emotional about the moment.

Jimjams · 02/08/2004 18:12

OMG she missed piedros as well??? Dear oh dear.

Angeliz · 02/08/2004 18:14

BTW, dd got her uniform today too!

It must have been the day for it

californiagirl · 02/08/2004 19:24

I think he sounds like a perfectly normal 4 year old, too, as far as Spiderman punching people goes. Frankly, punching in the face sounds like a pretty sweet choice for a 4 year old boy! Most of the ones I've known would have Spiderman threatening much worse.

If you'd like an up side, it sounds like he got in trouble exactly the way NT 4-year olds do. The other mother is a nasty woman, and her children are probably going to be really frightening teenagers.

Piffleoffagus · 02/08/2004 19:41

silly judgemental witch...
Even if I thought that about someones child, I would never ever articulate it, you simply have no idea what challenges that family might have...
And even if someone did have an awful child, they would already bloody know it!!!!!!!!!!!!

MeanBean · 02/08/2004 19:44

I think there is a lot to be said for having a prepared response for dealing with these sorts of situations. Something along the lines of "Excuse me, but my child is behaving like this because of a, b, and c and comments like yours are unhelpful and extremely hurtful to parents like me. Please don't judge us on the basis of no knowledge whatsoever about our family ? we don?t judge you."

I know that you shouldn't have to justify yourself, but if you knew in advance how you were going to deal with people like this, a) these situations wouldn't upset you so much b) it would make these people careful not to be so bloody unpleasant with other people and c) you'd feel good about having stuck up for yourself and your child and made somebody else think about their own reactions to children with special needs. You'd be in control of feeling good about your reactions to situations like this, instead of allowing somebody else to control you feeling bad about them. There is no way anyone should be making you feel bad for something they know nothing about.

tigermoth · 02/08/2004 19:46

I wonder if by any chance that woman reads mumsnet and is cringing ....

Snooty sales assistants have once or twice thrown 'horrible child' type comments at my NT sons. But being a mumsnet regular of some years,I have plenty of comments up my sleeve now and I am not afraid to use them, if I feel that would make my mood better. Sometimes beating a hasty retreat is better for my sanily.

Anyway, stick around mumsnet and I am sure you too will have a ready collection of retorts - and the confidence to use them - should the need arise again.

I too hate people who say a child is 'horrible'. It's so confrontational and wrong IMO. Something a child does may be 'horrible' but not the child itself.

eidsvold · 02/08/2004 23:14

you did nothing wrong - sometimes it is better just to walk away and let it go.... if she is that 'blind' to have missed the buggy and the boots - your comment whatever it was would have not been taken on board... she would have probably added to her repetoire about a horrible mother.... iykwim which of course you are not.

SOmetimes a dignified lack of response also shows people like that up more - in terms of their rudeness and ignorance... as others are then drawn to what they said rather than what you said in reply iykwim

Glad to hear you had a better time with your friends.... forget the silly woman and enjoy all the emotions of your little man starting school....

Eulalia · 04/08/2004 13:08

Gobsmacked. Why can't people keep their mouths shut. My ds (autistic) keeps on talking about "going to smash you up" as he is in a bit of a destructive phase at the moment. Fortunately his speech isn't always too clear but I just know from his behaviour that people are thinking "horrible boy". I know better of course.

Good luck with school. My ds starts very soon too.

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