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SN children

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.

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Original poster

Angry and sad :(

26 replies

vicimelly · 18/07/2004 18:39

Just need to rant a little! DD is physically disabled, and quite small for her age, she's 3 1/2 now, but because she's so small she's been fine in a normal buggy until recently.
We got her new major buggy on Friday and went out with it for the first time today, it's the only thing that indicates that there's anything wrong with her as she doesn't physically look any different from other children.
So today was the first time I've had to deal with people looking, and children enquiring, all of which I'm fine with, am happy to explain to anyone what is wrong with her, but at the supermarket a child stood with his mother in the queue behind us got vey excited about the buggy, he kept asking his mum why that little girl has such a huuuge pram! lmao, I just didn't know what to say or do when this woman standing right behind me turned and said to him it's because she's not normal!!
I wanted so much to scream at this woman that DD is as normal as any child, just different!, but knew if I did I'd get upset, so I left in a hurry and now feel really sad that DD will have to deal with people like this all the time

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lou33 · 18/07/2004 18:47

Oh dear vici, I know exactly what you are going through. We are about to swap a major for a wheelchair for ds2, who is 3y5m, and had the same things happen as you have. Ds has cp, but unless he is out of his chair he is like any other child to look at. It's v upsetting when people are so thoughtless, but I now either just answer what it wrong, mention it before they do, or failing that, and something unpleasant is said, I try and think that the person responsble just didn't know the correct word to use. Most people are not trying to hurt or upset you, but are genuinely confused about what to say. I am sure from next week we will be going through this all over again, as a wheelchair looks a whole lot different from a major .

coppertop · 18/07/2004 18:49

vicimelly So sorry to hear you've had to put up with this kind of attitude.Hopefully dd will grow up surrounded by people who don't have such small-minded opinions. Hugs to you and dd. xxx

Original poster

vicimelly · 18/07/2004 19:34

Thanks for the replies I suppose It's something I'll just have to learn to deal with really. Feeling a bit better now, although I did leave the supermarket without the milk I'd gone for so feeling a bit silly now! lol

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lou33 · 18/07/2004 19:36

How does dd like her major btw?

Original poster

vicimelly · 18/07/2004 19:41

She loves it, was especially impressed with the big wheels! lol, it's all she's talked about since we got it

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lou33 · 18/07/2004 19:50

That's the main thing isn't it? I'm glad she is so happy in it. It made a huge difference to us. Ds2 needs extra seating added to it everytime we use it though, for his posture, which is why we are getting a w/c. It's going to mean easier setting up and putting away (we had to dismantle the major into 3 pieces), and it is narrower. Ds2 is so excited about it.

Eulalia · 18/07/2004 20:28

I can't believe anyone could be so stupid and rude. My sympathies.

heartinthecountry · 18/07/2004 21:17

vicimelly - I really feel for you. It is something I dread when dd gets a bit bigger and her disability becomes more obvious to the casual observer. Agree with lou33 that most people just don't know what to say and so come out with awkward comments like this. Still hurts though .

Davros · 18/07/2004 21:43

DD's happy but its probably more of a transition for you and you could have done without this silly cow dealing with it so badly. Some people just don't know how to communicate or deal with anything outside their usual experiences, we have to do it for them! Maybe its just as well to feel shit quickly and now you're all ready for any more comments etc and you probably won't get any (not nasty ones anyway I hope). All the best

Original poster

vicimelly · 18/07/2004 22:04

Thanks everyone for all the lovely replies I agree Davros, probably better for me to have had this now, and I'm sure if and when it happens again, I'll be able to deal with it better (I hope!)
I think I was probably feeling a little more sensitive about it than usual because of the change.
Still can't quite believe a grown woman could be capable of such a stupid and thoughtless comment though, oh well, we live and learn!

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lou33 · 18/07/2004 22:08

Hopefully one of the benefits of inclusion in schools, will be that future generations will feel more comfortable with sn people, and less likely to come out with thoughtless and potentially upsetting comments.

Jimjams · 18/07/2004 22:12

I think you do get used to people looking. My friend went to the park with her dd and her sister. Afterwards her sister asked how she coped with everyone staring and my friend hadn't even noticed.

Horrible though and there are days I can't be bothered with it.

And ropey coments are always hard.

sharry · 18/07/2004 22:40

Have had similar reactions, to my now grown up dd. After having surgery to her face, she had her arms in splints, no one noticed her face, the looks and comments were hurtful. When explained to other children we found it best not to over explain as often children do not understand, and found a simple explanation that she had fallen off her bike enough to satisfy their curiosity. It does become easier with practise!

frogs · 18/07/2004 22:49

Sorry to hear this, people are silly, aren't they?

When my dd1 had patching on her eye, I used to try and get in first if I heard other children asking about it, even if they weren't asking me directly, and just say, "We put the plaster on to make her bad eye stronger," or some such line, rather than waiting for the child's parents to respond.

I think kids are usually much chilled about disability than adults. We used to have hours of fun as kids with a cousin who had a wheelchair and complicated leg plasters. The main game was winding up old ladies, waiting for them to do the "Oh, poor little boy, isn't he brave..." routine, and then pulling disgusting faces and speeding away in hysterics.

The same cousin was also the front man in our sweetie-nicking cartel, since all the adults assumed he was daft as well as in plaster. It was entirely clear to us as eight-year olds that they were the daft ones.

ggglimpopo · 18/07/2004 23:53

Message withdrawn

Fio2 · 19/07/2004 08:28

poor you vici (((((((hugs)))))))))

agree with jimjams though, you do get used to it.

hmb · 19/07/2004 08:35

Asking for some advice.

If a child asks, how would you like the child's parent to explain that another child is in a wheelchair etc?

At the moment I give a quiet, factual, matter of fact explanation to my child and also point out that the person in the wheelchair probably gets fed up of people asking questions. What should I be saying?

Fio2 · 19/07/2004 08:44

I would say that is about right hmb.

misdee · 19/07/2004 08:48

dd1 is pretty good about people in wheelchairs/with splints etc as her two cousins have CP. but one of her friends at nursery can be a bit mean, and her mum i feel doesnt deal with it properly. there is a bus that picks up disabled adults round here, one of them has a false leg and an eye patch. the little girl calls it the pirate bus, her mum feels its ok for her to do this, but i find it really horrible.

Tissy · 19/07/2004 08:53

My dd (2y6m) asked very loudly in Tesco's yesterday why the "lady" was in the "pram" (woman in wheelchair). I told her that the lady couldn't walk, as her legs didn't work very well....I hope that was alright? If not, someone tell me what i should have said and I'll do better next time.

lou33 · 19/07/2004 09:23

Tissy and Hmb, both replies sound good to me. Can you all cross your fingers that ds finally gets his wheelchair tomorrow please? Been waiting since Feb!

Thomcat · 19/07/2004 10:28

What an ignorant woman. So sorry vicimelly , some people are just so thick that you have to feel sorry for them really.

Thomcat · 19/07/2004 10:29

fingers crossed re the wheelchair Lou.

Davros · 19/07/2004 12:19

frogs, ROFL about the sweetie nicking cartel! I think the two suggestions of how to respond given here are fine and, maybe a parent could even say "why don't you be friendly and ask her?" although I know that some days, as a mum, you might not feel like dealing with that.

Original poster

vicimelly · 19/07/2004 22:34

Tissy I'd agree that that explantion is just right, when DD started nursery and the other children asked I told them that DD's legs just didn't work properly.
They accepted this without a second thought, and are all so sweet and considerate, and if anyone else asks, within their range of hearing they're the first to jump in with the explanation
Children are so accepting and non-judgemental, that's why it annoys me so much when I hear this kind of attitude being passed on to a child!

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