Do you intervene if you see normal kids imitating your child?

[Jimjams]

Just wondered. DS1 was happily running up and down the park on Sunday (not getting in anyone's way) and 2 girls (about age 8) imitated him hand flapping (which incidentally he started doing 2 days after I came on here and said he never hand flapped).

I don't for a moment think that they realised he was disabled. He wouldn't notice someone imitating him or realise they were taking the mick, so it wouldn't upset him. It makes me feel sad, but that doesn't really matter. Just occurred to me that as he gets older and starts mixing with older (and therefore less tolerant of difference) children this is going to happen more and more. Just wondered what apporach others take.

actually something similar happened to me the other day. I was in safeway and a lady walked past with a pram and my daughter said 'baby' but she pronounces it like 'bairby'. Quite northern sounding really (dunno why?) and this boy who was about 8or 9 started mocking her. That made me feel sad but I dont think he meant it, its just kids. Bullying on purpose is a different thing and is one of the reason I want my son to go to the same mainstream setting as my daughter so she has 'some' backup.

My sister used to get picked on alot because she was small and because of her cough and I used to always be getting into fights about it. I was very tall (am 5ft 9in now) so kids seemed to be quite scared of me. I wasnt a bully though, just used to stick up for my little sister. Kids can be cruel, but the bullying she received was intentional.

My friends son goes to a very 'inclusive' school and he seems very understanding of special needs and very aware too. he doesnt take the mickey at all.

Of course it makes us feel sad as parents if they are picked on but I dont think it is any better if it was one of our NT children. I think the fact that our SN children are more vulnerable just makes the feeling we feel more heightened

I've only had this happen once. There was a group of about 4 boys who were about 8yrs old. One of them thought it highly amusing to copy ds1's walk as at the time ds1 did a lot of walking on tiptoes. I just said very loudly to ds1 "Oh look. There's a little boy there who's trying to be just like you!" The boys friends laughed at the boy who was copying, partly because I had (purposely) called him a LITTLE boy and partly at the thought that an 8yr old would want to try to be like a 3yr old.

Blimey , something else to think about aye.
I think Coppertops reaction was a really good one actually and will bear it in mind if/when it happens to us.

Until I'm in the situation and depending on whether it was harmless imitation or actually kids taking the mick it's hard to know what I do. Evey fibre of you wants to protect your children from bullying and kids being cruel and I just hope I have the strength to react in the calm, clever way Coppertop did, rather than rush over and scream and shout and hang them upside down from the top of the slide!!

(Sighs deeply at the prospect of this situation both for myself and for others)

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My dd1 had to wear an eye-patch (the kind that looks like a sticking plaster) for about 18 months when she was 5 or 6, and we had quite a few problems with other kids.

My reaction depended on whether the imitation was malicious or not. Lots of little kids used to stare at her, while almost unconsciously screwing up one eye, or covering an eye with their hands, and tho' it bothered her, I told her they were just trying to see what it felt like to be her.

We did once have some 8 or 9 yo boys doing a bizarre kind of pirate-cum-cripple routine behind her -- didn't really understand it, but was clearly aimed at her. I turned to them and said in my sweetest voice, "Did you want me explain about dd1's eyepatch to you?" and they scarpered in fairly short order.

Older kids used to gawp openly in the street, which bothered her the most -- to my shame I hadn't even noticed until she pointed it out to me. Eventually I told her it would be okay to stick her tongue out at them, on the basis that if they were being rude, it was ok to be rude back. I don't think she ever actually did, but knowing she had some way of fighting back cheered her up no end.

oh god i don't know - dd is still such a titch and we've not encountered this yet. I'll probably ignore it and then crumble in the privacy of my own home. Better start thinking of a more productive response....

it is a tricky one isn't it. The girls were definitely taking the mick. I tend to think its something that happens when peer pressure begins to kick in around 8- and I worry about ds1 being in mainstream then I have to say. He has lots of tics (quite tourettesy if you ask me) so lots of opportunity for kids to do it.

The girls parents were in the park. I assume they didn't notice.

jimjams my daughter has lots of ticks aswell! how can you tell if its tourettes like? she says hello over and over and over again like she cant stop herself. dh doesnt beleive he says she says it over and over again because she feels confident doing it, I am not so sure. She does other things aswell

I think it depends on whether the child has been accepted by the group, though.

There's a child in dd's class with complex difficulties of some kind -- very slow reactions, and she does have a slightly vacant look, and dribbles as well. All the ingredients, you'd think, to be badly picked on, but it's never been a problem. If kids from other years give her grief, the children from her class send them packing pretty fast.

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I have noticed other children staring at DD now she is walking more and not in the buggy and I still find it really difficult. I also worry about how things will turn out as she gets older and I really don't know what I will do when other children are rude to her. I think this problem is one of the hardest you face when you have child with special needs.(sad)

I have noticed other children staring at DD now she is walking more and not in the buggy and I still find it really difficult. I also worry about how things will turn out as she gets older and I really don't know what I will do when other children are rude to her. I think this problem is one of the hardest you face when you have child with special needs.

I am so sorry I have posted this message twice but I am still getting used to this messageboard and I am really not good with computers!! Sorry!!

from my experience of working in a college most of the problems with micky taking happen through lack of understanding and embarassment on the part of mainstream students, I have always challenged this behviour although not whilst my students were with me however this is probably different if you are a parent although I find hard if people are funny with dd and she is not sn. I do not how you can react but CT's seems a good way and also to not make a big thing of it with your ds

I know my dd1's eye problems are very different to the issues other people face, but I found it helps to be very clear about whether the teasing/gawping incidents were a problem for me as a parent or for her as the child.

For example, I was very upset around the time she first got glasses, shortly after I took her to the optician and she not only couldn't read the big letters, but couldn't see that there were any letters, or a chart, for that matter -- aaargh, crap mum alert, guilt and all that. But she has always regarded her glasses as a Good Thing, because she can see with them on and can't see without them. It's that simple.

The patching, on the other hand, she really did mind about, and often in ways that I hadn't clocked straight away, like other children in the street staring. We also had problems with little old ladies coming up and asking, 'What have you done to your eye, dear?' This really floored her, because amblyopia (which is what she had) is quite complicated for an adult to explain, never mind a five-year old.

I've learnt, partly from my dd, and partly from friends whose children have much more serious eye problems that you have to dissociate your own feelings from the child's, and that however vulnerable you feel they are, you have to believe that they will have the strength to deal with it in their own way.

The final word to my dd (then aged 6), who came home and complained about some girls in the year above teasing her about her glasses.
Me: (rolling up my sleeves to go and beat the whatnots out of the little toads): What did you say when she called you four-eyes?
DD: I told her she's in the year above me, so she should know better.

Way to go, sister.

I think this is the issue I have frogs. People taking the mickey out of ds1 doesn't affect him at all, he doesn't notice. UNless they are being realy mean to him (which would be hard as he would tend to walk away anyway) he has no clue it is going on. Therefore do I just ignore it iyswim?

It's an interesting one, isn't it, jimjams?

If it doesn't bother him, does it matter? If my dd were completely blind and other children were doing a silent mickey-take in front of her, would that matter?

I think the answer has to be, Yes, on the basis that (a) the children doing it are nasty or at least misguided little brats who need to be set straight; and (b) it offends you, and why should you have to put up with their ignorant and insulting behaviour?

It's not dissimilar to the logic in the 'Do you let your son play with guns' thread. Rationally I know it probably doesn't matter if they pretend to shoot each other, but I find it offensive, so at least in my presence, I come down hard on it.

I think aswell the fact that the children in your sons class dont pick on him is a big issue. From what I have gathered from your posts they are protective of him and this will help him enormously. I do think that alot of children in mainstream are now in a class with a few children with special needs so they HAVE to be understanding and learn that just because you have special needs (of any sort) doesnt mean they have the lisence to take the piss out of you. I think alot of children are growing up with alot more respect nowadays.

I thought about your son the other day jimjams. My daughter goes to mainstream nursery 1 day a week and the children fight over whos going to sit next to her at registration and I remembered your sons peers being the same. Its so sweet isnt it?

Yes I think you're right frogs. It's just difficult to do the explanation and keep an eye on ds1. Maybe a quick but gruff "please don't imitate my son he has autism" would be enough (would 8 year olds even know what autism is though???? I have no idea- they seem so capable to me but what do I know!)

Jimjams - I would explain to the parents!!

I had no idea about lots of SN issues and I think thats one good thing MN has done for me - to open my eyes to stuff like this - maybe the parents were not aware that your son had autism but would have done something if you had brought it to their attention.

I also thinkt hat if children were taught about different kinds of SNs and that kids/people with SN were normal people then there would be far less mickey taking or abuse of SN people/kids - racial awareness and SN awareness should be taught in schools - maybe kids would think twice about doing this kind of thing then!!

I would say something. But then that's me. Some bigger boys were being mean to my ds once at a one oclock club and saying stuff like he couldn't play with their things because he was a baby and a poo-pants and stuff, and I just marched over and told them they were being horrible and my that ds was only little and that only nasty boys are mean to little ones so they had better stop it.
That sort of thing makes me very cross. Ds was more baffled than hurt, but I was pissed off and I don't see why I should tolerate that.

A last couple of thoughts on this.

I think nine+ year-olds go in for this nastiness because of their own insecurities -- it makes them feel better to pick on someone who is patently even less successful at fitting in than they are. This doesn't excuse their behaviour, but it does help to explain it.

We've had recent episodes of various bigger, not terribly bright or sensitive boys in dd's class taking the mickey out of ds (4) -- there's nothing SN about him, he's just 4 and they're 9.

The disadvantage of 'Please don't tease my child' approaches is that it appeals to their better nature, which in the case of some of these children may be pretty deeply buried, if indeed they have one at all.

Responses along the lines of 'Would you like me to explain...' or 'You obviously don't understand...' are effective because they're patronising, and children that age really hate being patronised. If they think you're going to come over all teacherly on them they're likely to push off pdq, which counts as a victory for you, I think.

For more thoughtful children, something along the lines of 'Does it make you feel better to upset a 4-year old' work quite well, but may be a bit subtle for the more thuggish element.

hth