Ok, head out of the sand, finally going to admit I need help re DS asperger's

[isolde76]

After posting on the behaviour board link{http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=8&threadid=266624&stamp=070120180428}, dinosaur suggested I come here. So here I am!

It's been only a few months since DS's diagnosis of asperger's and it is all very new to me. He has major behavioural issues, is aggressive towards others and refuses to participate in anything in class. He is two years behind in his reading (he's in year 2) and i am paranoid that he will not be able to catch up with the others in his class. I don't know what to try to curb his behaviour and I feel like it is spilling out to my daughter with the fighting that occurs between them.

Hopefully start a star chart next week. Not sure how that will go down.

Sorry, just read your earlier postings. I don't think it is acceptable that the LSA has not experience with special needs. No wonder it is not working out. It really makes me sick when I hear about things like this - our kids need proper PROFESSIONAL help.

I would really recommend contacting IPSEA. They are a charity that helps parents get the right level of support for special needs. They have a website and helpline and can give advice on how to get the best out the system. In particular they can advise you as to how to approach the school to get a more suitable LSA and what yr rights are in this situation.

Don't talk to me about cards!!! DS's obsession! Wednesday is card day - I allow himm to get Shoot Outs, Yu-gi-oh GX and Yu-gi-oh. Occasionally I get him some Doctor Who ones. He is completely hooked. All he wanted for christmas was 11 packets of yu-gi-ohs, so guess what was under the tree from Santa!

The LSA is not trained. She is another school staff member, and AFAIK she has no previous experience with ASD kids, although she has been very keen and helpful. He has decided that he hates her though. So not sure what to do about that. He is not statemented as yet and I think it was pretty tough to get the funding for her, so I suppose I can't look a gift horse in the mouth.

Ah cross post! Yes, I do agree with you, but I find it ever so hard to assert myself in this. She is getting advice from another LSA who is trained in ABA, but TBH I don't think it is enough, as he can be extremely confrontational. I don't want to rub the school int he wrong way too, I am trying to work with them as much as possible, but I still don't want to appear a doormat. It is hard!

Those Dr Who cards are really expensive aren't they? £1.50 for five crappy cards WTF!!! Unfortunately they are ds's favourite ones.

When approaching the school I have found it helpful to state at the outset something like "As ds's mum I am just trying to make sure ds gets all the help that he needs". Remind yourself that you are doing this for ds and you are the ONLY one who can stick up for him.

Also remember that as a general rule you will get nothing from the system unless you push for it. It is nothing personal, if the teachers had a kid with AS they would probably be doing the same thing too.

Hi

If you are in South West London then tell you school that they can get outreach support from special ASD Schools. My son's mainstream primary got help from Linden Bridge School in Chesington. They have an outreach bod who goes into schools which have Aspies and trains the LSAs also quite a few of my son's LSAs (we went through some - recruited mummies who then found they couldn't cope until we found the golden LSA of the centuary) went there on day courses as did the SENCOS. They do deal with kids who are more on the spectrum than the HF Aspies but there are some good ideas. Amazon have got some good books on Asperger's although all children are soooo different. I found a load in the Education section. Just had a thought - isn't there the Eagle School (not sure if this is right) in Mitcham which is supposed to be fabbity fab for ASD kids (again quite into the spectrum) which might do some form of outreach to help your school (and you!)

All the best

I had no idea about that flying mum. I shall ask the senco about it. I know the teacher and the 1.1 have visited a local ASD school, not sure if they have done anything else though. Thank you!

I know I will have to push. It will be a huge learning curve for me, so perhaps in some ways it is a good lesson that I must learn.

If you think the doctor who cards are expensive, try the yu-gi-ohs! They are about 2.99. Unbelievable. Plus they have collector tins - a steal at £15 a tin.

Thanks a lot for that information flyingmum. I going to ask my school about outreach support because they have not mentioned anything about that to me so far. Do you think you need to be in Chessington to benefit from that?

Ds did ask me for a yu-gi-oh magazine the other day which I was stupid enought to buy. Fortunately he does not seem aware of the cards yet.

Good news at least, the school are banning cards! So that might lessen his obsession with them. I have already wound down the cards he is receiving from me. Shall try and steer him towards something like dinosaurs etc!! Funny thing is, he was obsessed with different Disney characters when I was with his dad, as my ex liked to push him into it. Will try to go down the more intellectual route now!

Can you get outreach support if the statement is not in place?

I just wanted to ask.. is there any chance his aggresiveness is being caused by an upset to routine or sensory overload?

If you can establish a set routine at home it may help to calm him. Changes can upset AS people quite a lot and knowing whats coming up can be a great way to keep them calm.

Does he stim? Is he allowed to stim in school? A lot of people dont realise that stopping a stim can be very bad news.. agression is often a by-product of that.

One thing that might be worth trying (at home first) is weighted clothing. Sometimes sensory overload can be offset by wearing something heavy.. another thing might be to find out if there are any textures or sounds he finds relaxing and give him access to them when he starts to get aggresive.

I have AS, so if there is anything i can help with, please dont hesitate to ask.

His aggressiveness is always because of change of routine, or rather, doing something he does not want to do, and no amount of talking about it in advance seems to help. Well, he dislikes new situations, and situations where there is a huge group of people, so assemblies at school are always a problem. He responds really well to being with one person, although bizarrely dislikes his LSA.

He doesn't seem to have any stimulatory behaviour, although does chew things, sometimes licks things, nothing over the top though. What he does do is passively watch everything, completely still but only in new situations or situations where he is uncomfortable. I have never heard of weighting the clothing at all.

Thank you very much for your advice! I have since found out that the school does get outside help from the local special needs school, so at least they are all aware of everything and doing what they can.

Trying to get someone with AS to do something they dont want to is difficult.

Even as an adult i can be obnoxious if my dh wants me to do something i have no interest in and my reaction to being forced is primarily anger.

The weighted clothing is a method they use in america, i have my own version - a beanbag toy that i put on my head.. yes its weird , but its so soothing to me..lol.

Amazon now stock a book of socuial stories that is worth a look, also there are some good links. I would also recommend BIBIC as your son sounds VERY similar to mione and they have helped (www.bibic.org.uk)

I bought a visual timetable off ebay and it is fab for AS kids imo. Star charts aren't as much though, of course that varies. A standard technique instead is to take said child shopping for obsession relayed items (don't need to be big) and then ut them together away. Price each one on a list- eg, 50 points is a magazine. Then award points for behaviours you're trying to address so theyc ane arn their treats. Its more specific and achievbale, and they remain alrgely in control because they can choose which treats to 'buy'.

Ah yes, visual timetables. I must start oe of those. And I love the idea of saving up points for an item, as my son is obsessive about asking how many he has of this and how many he has of that etc. I shall definitely try that idea. He likes getting the stars on his chart, but it is hard to be specific about things as there are so many and obviously that would be overload! So the reward system of getting a point should work well.

Hello isolde, really good to see you on here !

This place saved my sanity when my DS1 was first diagnosed .

Thank you Dinosaur! I am coming to terms with the whole thing, albeit slowly. The rebellious part of me does not want to, as it would mean accepting that I cannot plan my own life as a single parent as easily as perhaps I would have been able to if I had two NT children. I think it's because it is all coupled with 'finding myself' after seven years of being a hollow shell in an abusive relationship, and I am rediscovering things I used to love for me, and knowing that I am not free to do them like I did before is a bit upsetting. It may seem selfish, but I have done nothing but give give give for too long.

Mind you, I would not change the situation as it stands. I love my children dearly, and only want to make things easier for my son and to try and integrate him more with others. Sometimes I just want someone to sweep in though and say, 'right, stop what you are doing, I shall take over and you needn't worry about a thing'. Argh!

Hi Isolde, tried to post last night but computer on the blink.

Can relate to what you say as I am single parent as well. I work part time (very pleased I don't do full time). I know I am more fortunate that many others but still find it hard dealing with things sometimes. Its when DS has had a bad day or is acting up that things get to me and it would be so nice to have a shoulder to cry on. Still ex dh did not help me at all with house work/kids etc so I know I am much better off without him.

DS was complaining last night that other boys in his class were excluding him from playing football at breaks. It sounded so sad and pathetic, I know it is a relatively small thing but I think ds is becoming more aware of the fact he is different now.

Oh Caroline, that does sound difficult. This is the thing, my DS knows something is a bit different as well too, and he knows when he has been singled out or excluded and goes on about it ad nauseum. The teachers decided he would not be in the Christmas play for example and he went on about it for the longest time. I must admit, I was really angry about that.

He had a developmental assessment yesterday, and his cognitive abilities are average which is a relief, even above average in some areas. Everything he wrote was mirror image though (always does it) and all his letters are started from the bottom as opposed to the top and she did suggest that there may be dyslexia involved too. Which my ex has so that is not a surprise.

Hi Isolde. Another difficult day for ds at school. Got into a fight with a kid he is usually friendly with. When asked what the problem was he responded that this kid had said that he had lied about something when he had not. He can lose his temper very quickly and misinterpret situations. I am just hoping there will be no further problems when I get home this evening.

I am surprised that your school excluded ds from the school play. Surely this is one of the plus sides of them being in ms ed that they can be included in things? It doesn't exactly help him bond with the other kids does it. DSs school have an Xmas show which involves each class doing a dance routine, ds was able to take part in it albeit with some very simple moves but he did enjoy himself.

Its good your ds is average re cognitive abilities. I have been doing a few minutes handwriting with ds each morning (sometimes just a few letters) but it does seem to be helping his handwriting a bit. It is still the worst in the class but you can read it to a certain extent.

Hi Isolde

My paed sent us a reward style treatment plan to use with ds. He doesn't have a dx but has ASD traits. He is unpredictable and often aggressive. Its designed for use with children with ADHD but is suitable for use with children with other SN and with NT children. I use it with both my children (ds has sn but dd is nt) and it works well. If you would like me to email you a copy CAT me.

I also have quite a lot of stuff on social stories that I can photocopy and send you if you like

Blimey Caroline, so sorry to hear. You have just explained a common day for me too so I can commiserate. My DS likes to call it 'tricking'. 'He tricked me! I hate him!', and then get into a wild rage, lashing out. He will then talk about it for hours.

I was very annoyed about the play to be honest. I have just found out that today there was a drama workshop and instead of getting him to join in, he was with his 1.1. Surely they could have allowed him to join in with the help of the 1.1. Grrr, made me quite upset, especially when he said that he WANTED to join in.

That sounds like a good idea - the handwriting. I think my DS has got to a stage where he might do something with me. I taught him piano for a full half hour yesterday. Couldn't believe it. He was very very quick picking it up too.

Thank you amynnixmum - I will CAT you!! That sounds like a great plan. I have tried a points system this week, but I need some more tricks to help me.

Also try this book

That link looks good Amminyxmum, I think I might try and order the book.

I thought that the 1:1 is meant to help them access as much of the curriculum as possible. Drama is part of that so our children should be given opportunities to join in. This is especially so as it is something most kids find fun and my ds hates quite a lot of what he has to do at school. It sounds like the school are (maybe unintentionally) keeping him separate from the rest of the kids.

I think to be quite honest they are scared of him having an angry outburst. However, since my ex has not been to see them over the last few weeks he has dramatically calmed down, and I hope they take heed of that at school and not prevent him from getting involved.

His 1.1 was not there today because of issues at home, and they had someone to fill in and wonder of wonders he completely accepted it!

To Caroline3
Sorry only just logged on today as had a Bit of A Week . . . I don't think you need to live near the school. My son's school is in Surrey and no where near - at least 50 mins away by car. I don't think they would go miles but if you are in the South London ish surreyish end of things then they would. Your son's school should be able to contact the LEA and ask them about the local special schools and then see if any of them do outreach support. An LEA will do anything if it thinks its going to save them money!

I'm gabbling so I'll go (brain's a bit dead today)

Hope something in this tangle is of use.

All the best.