that's really interesting - thanks you. I don't mind at all writing about ds1 - and any thoughts very welcome as we've not approached anyone medical/educational about him (yet..!).
He's 4 and I think the thing I think about is that he's probably so borderline (which is why I feel a bit embarrassed posting under SN because we have such an easy time of things compared to other parents), that until ds2 came along we didn't know ds1 was 'different' - although our friends all did. It's been a common theme with ds1 and his peers - our friends and family would say things like, you know it's ds1 that's different don't you, not xxxxx - which is true!
A few examples:
He's always had to have order in his life - lots of hissy fits when he was younger if things weren't done in the right order - even little things like the lid of his cup not being put on the right way around - even though there isn't a right way around!
He follows rules to the letter - which actually makes things much easier for us (and this is where our friends with children his age would tell us he was the different one!). You only have to tell him something once and he'll do it for life. He gets very upset about cars parking on the pavement - anything that's not right.
Big problems communicating - will only really do eye contact with us, and that's a fairly recent development. Went through a huge stage (over a year I'd say) of not talking to anyone else - would go all day at nursery without speaking, even though we knew he could speak perfectly well. We've had to work like crazy to get him to say 'hello' and 'goodbye' to his grandparents, who he sees several times a week. It's been quite upsetting at times because he seems really rude, but I don't think he is. If he knows they're coming to babysit he'll ask to go to bed before they arrive - to get out of having to talk to them! He's still very very shy, but slowly getting used to talking to other people - lots of coaching from us - and we're working on eye contact.
He hates loud noises and always has since being a baby. He can't stand it when other children mess around and are noisy - the teacher thinks he's very helpful as he always reminds her what to do and when - picks her up if she forgets to do something - and bear in mind he's only been in school 6 weeks!
Very fussy about clothes - labels, texture - won't wear something new for ages because it doesn't feel right. We nearly had meltdown on his first day at school because he was so upset at having to wear his uniform - we hadn't washed it beforehand and he hadn't tried it on. He was sobbing at having to wear it.
Phenomenal memory - can recall precise details of events from years ago.
Very intelligent but I'll always worry about him finding his place in the world.
And unbelievably bad writing at the moment! I know he's only 4 and his teacher says it's a boy thing - they tend to be behind, and I'm not worried about him - it's just another bit of who he is and I wondered if it might be linked to the stuff above.
I'd say on the whole he's fine - fits in the world with far fewer problems than lots of children. But he's 'different' in lots of ways and family and friends have agreed. Dp doesn't tend to like to talk about it, so we don't - it's not a big issue and we've never had to deal with huge tantrums etc. - only really when he was slightly younger and routines were broken. Now, if something doesn't go according to plan, he can cope with it.
It's just funny having ds2, who's 2 and just so flaming 'ordinary' - so happy, carefree, - I'll never really worry about ds2 in the same way I worry about ds1, whose default is to be wary and worried about everything.
Phew!! Sorry the post was so long - it's good to get it out sometimes.