I despair.

[ButterflyInGlassMaze]

Hello.

My son is 5 and autistic. I feel I'm at my wit's end. He's
in mainstream school, but the past few weeks especially have been bad ones. Kicking, spitting, throwing things, even
urinating on the floor. Nothing's changed at home, his
routine hasn't been distrupted.

He's been taking Eye-Q, but I can't see as they've made
any difference. Don't get me wrong, his does have good
days, but mostly, I feel so down about his autism. He has
very low attention span and I feel like I'm failing him as
all I seem to do is be mad at him.

His father and I separated just over a year ago. Our son
and and I were basically turfed out of the family home for
him to move his new girlfriend in. I live back with my
parents, this may be adding to my stress.

I just can't seem to see any light. It's hard trying to
get through to my son and he doesn't seem to grasp the
concept of rewards for good behaviour. In social situations, he cannot tolerate other children and very often kicks or pushes which, of course, puts me at the brunt end of parents' anger. All I can do is apologise and tell them he's autistic and this always leaves me feeling desperately sad.

Considering all this, I think my little boy is
happy. Life just seems to be a great
struggle.

I'm sorry to moan, but do any of you other parents of
autistic children feel, or have ever felt this way? If so,
how do you come out of it?
I hope to hear from someone soon.

Thanks for listening.

Hi Coppertop
Thanks for the welcome. This is a great site - glad I found you. See ya round.

Butterfly, your child - like so many on this thread sounds just like my 6 yo ds (Asperger's/ADHD). I heard a saying which I think of to make me smile:

Some days you're the statue, somedays you're the pigeon...!

I have good days and bad days and because I am a single parent too, there is no one to help alleviate a "situation" (that's if it brews, and doesn't just errupt!) and put space between us.

With the long weekend (3.5 days of ds), I decided that I would take my stat day (Tues) and take ds to his childminder as arranged. Then I felt really guilty that I shouldn't have the day to myself and mentioned it to my sister. Well, she had a right go at me along the lines of: you need this day to yourself/give yourself a break etc etc. Of course, she is right, but that doesn't stop me feeling really bad that I need to spend time away and try and recharge my batteries.

I have had the (common, it seems) problem of spitting, kicking, biting, hitting and headbutting (a favourite with my ds), but it has calmed since he was younger from about 7-8 episodes a day (usually directed at me).

The only time he did revert to this behaviour was when he came off his Eye Q. He is back on 4 a day again and I will not stop it again! No sireeee!

I thank goodness everyday for Mumsnet - I couldn't get on it this evening as internet was playing up - and was nearly in tears. I explained it to a friend by saying it was like having on-line counselling. There are so many people who are so kind and write in to advise or just support you when you need it. I take my ds to a bi weekly autistic group and it REALLY helps, so between that and Mumsnet, I feel 100% better (most of the time!).

I wish you luck Butterfly, keep posting and remember that there is always someone to help you here. Take care. xx

Just wanted to say hi to InternationalGirl (your name is intriguing!) and to say that I am thinking of you ButterflyIGM - am going away for a few days tomorrow, but hope that you will have posted again when I am back next week.

Butterfly, just catching up so haven't read all of this properly. It sounds like you need some support with behaviour management. Can you ask the local psychologist for help? Of course he may also be distressed by outside influences but, again, a psychologist ought to be able to help. I'm not too sure about the different roles of a psychologist and Educational psychologist in such a situation so it may be an EP you need to talk to. Even so, its tough for you to have to deal with all yourself. Are there any charities or other organisations that might provide respite or befriending? Try the NAS and, hesitate to suggest it, Social Services!?!?
You sound like you might need some TLC yourself, maybe some respite would also help you. I don't mean having to send him off somewhere with a stranger but maybe someone to come home and play with him for a couple of hours or take him out on the bus.......
Sorry if this isn't much help

Welcome Internationalgirl

well I am going to use this as a confessional as I am finding ds really hard just now. i think also it is becuase dd (2 on Friday) is also very demanding and the two of them together is just too much in the school holidays. Anyway yesterday ds hit me and he can really hurt me and I slapped him in the face. Not hard but it was an awful thing to do. It was just instinctive and I did it before thinking.

there I've said it now.

Eulalia

I think I understand how you're feeling. It will be a miracle if I get to the end of these holidays without joining you in the confessional box. Those slaps, kicks and bites bl**dy hurt and I've nearly lost it with ds1 so many times during the holiday.

Ds2 is into absolutely everything and I'm also still adjusting to having a child who brings me toys and things to show me. I spend my time acting as a referee, as well as saving ds2 from both himself and his big brother.

If you're anything like me, each day at the moment probably feels like an entire week. I can't wait for this holiday to end so that ds1 can get back into his routine and calm down again.

Well, in the time it took to type that, ds1 snatched ds2's favourite toy and threw a book at his head. Ds2 screamed so ds1 grabbed his brother's hand and was just about to bite it when I picked up ds2.

The exciting life I lead...

Thanks coppertop and sorry to hear you are having a bad time of it. One thing is that ds has never bitten but makes up for it in other ways - his latest is to throw himself at me - I broke a wineglass the other day becasue of this. How old is your ds2? the thing is ds's been not too bad really, I think its just a combination of things, like living in a half renovated house, dd at a difficult age and the fact that I have a stinking cold and I am busy cleaning up the house for dd's birthday party. The odd thing was also that he hardly cried. He can react much more badly if I shout at him.

He's been much better today and we did some baking together this afternoon while dd was napping. He also asked if I had a cold and was I ill and then said I'd better go to hospital and get better

Hi, everyone.

So much conversation since I last came here and it's really good to be able to communicate with others in this rocky boat.

Well, things haven't been too bad. James and I did venture into town a couple times in the past week without too much apologising and dirty looks, but mostly I've kept him home or visited grandma's - his dad's mum. When there are so many kids about, I try to steer clear best I can.

I have a couple of friends with children, but I'm scared to let him near them and that's an awful thing to say, but I know James will be James and I'll end up being mad at him and I don't think it'll do any of us good. It's come to the point where I'm avoiding other mums at the school because I can see the disapprovemnt in their faces. It's horrible. It's the reason we don't go to any playgroups.

I don't know any other parents of autistic children - apart from you guys, of course - and there aren't any playgroups for autistic children in this area - not that I know of, anyway. I'm in Birmingham. Joy!

So, mums, dads, how do you begin that integration?
I did take him to a parent/toddler playgroup a couple years back and he was oblivious to all around him. Sat alone and played. Now, whenever we happen to be amongst children, he attacks. I'm continually telling him it's not nice to push and kick children because it hurts, but it's not having any effect whatsoever. Grrr!

I've talked to the Ed.Psychologist and the autism specialist in the area about James' behaviour and apparently the best thing to do is ignore it. I find this extremely hard.
How would I find a 'happy medium'?

Oh dear. This is turnin' into a rant. Sorry, peeps. I should stop now - can't be all too inspiring!

What kind of easter holiday have you all had?

Looking forward to hearing from you.
Love to you and yours

Butterfly - does he initiate the attacks or is it because the other kids get too close? He may still be too young to appreciate others feelings. My ds is getting better but he is only 'mildly' autistic - but hasn't seemed like it recently!

Schools hols have been hard (see below) but getting better. We've all had colds so that explains a lot of the erratic behaviour (including myself)! Just looking forward to hols soon. hope ds is ok with the plane!

Hi Butterfly. How verbal is your son? My son is pretty much non-verbal- he understands nouns and not much else. So "reasonng" with him doesn;t work at all. Until recently he was very passive- then my MIL came to stay. He pinched her a few times and she started yelping. Very interesting noise, so he tried it out on other people and he has discvered the little children are particualrly interesting when pinched.

becuase he has very little language we can't reaosn with him. School, nursery and myself came up with a common plan. When he pinches one of us - we show no big response (obviously can't do this with young children) but we refuse to have anything to do with him, so we either turn our backs or turn him around- whilst saying quite calmy No or No pinching or Be gentle. This works quite well with him as he is generally quite eager to please. It had almost gone although has come back a bit oin the last week. NOw he'sonly really pinching when frustrated- but there's a lot of warning so we know when to jump in and save someone!

As for meeting others- I met one very good friends on the internet of all places and then met up with them and we see each other all the time (after I moved into her area) She has introduced me to people she knew from her dd's school. I met another person on the internet who lives quite a way from me but we see each other every so often and talk a lot on the phone (we went through diagnosis together). You could join the NAS and see if there are any loical groups in Birmingham (there aren't any dpwn here). or contact your CDC or LEA and ask them- there should be something. Another thing I did when I wanted to get a bunch of parents of autistic kids together was start coffee mornings. I phoned the local paper and radio station and both ran features on it (just little ones) and had a very big response. It was a very effective way of meeting people.

I find it fairly impossible to go to most "normal" groups, and I only really see one family regularly with "normal" kids- but she's my oldest friend. I do think its important not to get too isolated though - you are doing a hard job anyway- you need to be able to talk to people about it. I would put some feelers out for local groups. Your HV may be able to find out for you- or the specialist HV at the CDC.

Thanks for the messages.

Well, Eulalia, in about 4 hours time, James is heading up to Manchester airport. He's going to Cuba with his dad, grandma and dad's new g/f for a week. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself - we've never been apart from one another. James is very close to his grandma, but his dad doesn't really have much time for him. I hope I've made the right decision in letting James go. I'm going to be worried sick... The flight is 13 hours.
Where will you be going?

James most definately initiates the attacks. Apart from grabbing onto both his hands, nothing stops him. I'm not sure if it's because he's genuinely wanting to mix ir if it's to get the reaction. He'll do little things at home with us, too. Like stamping on our feet - knowing it hurts, but likes the reaction and will repeat this many times. Reasoning goes out the window here, also, Jimjams.

James' speech is coming on. He has difficulty pronoucing many words/sounds, but he does try. At times it's hard to get him to stop talking, others he'll go into his world and need a great deal of prompting. He's getting better at asking for something he wants now, too, and waiting instead of helping himself and getting into trouble.

I'd love for James to have a sibling one day. To those who have other children, how do your asd babies cope with their brother/s or sister/s?

Should get to bed, it's callin'.

hmmmm Well ds1 hated his brother when he showed up, and regressed quite frighteningly. We have photos from that time and he looks miserable. My mum and dad were horrified when they saw him and thought he was depressed (he probably was). He would ake screaming at night and would refuse to go to bed. HOwever he had never been away from me and I had to go into hospital to have ds2 (by section)- the visit to hospital visibly freaked him out and with hindsight we shuldn't have done it. He was under 3 though so still at home all the time.

After about 4 months he started playing again. The he would tolerate his brother sitting next to him, then he stopped wincing when he touched him and now they kind of interact. He gives his brothr things he knows he likes (like toy trains) and they chase each other. He'll kiss him and notices when he's not there. He interacts more with him than any other child, and he occasionally copies him now. His younger brother adores him (luckily)- although this means he copies everything he does including all the autistic things.

Butterfly - Ds1 was 2.5yrs when his brother was born. For the first 2 days he showed no interest in him whatsoever. I think he thought ds2 was another toy or piece of furniture. The next day something 'clicked' and he did everything he could for ds2. If ds2 cried ds1 would hurry in and try to rock his pram to help him sleep. I kept waiting for the novelty to wear off but it didn't.

When ds1 has his usual routines in place he and ds2 are great together. Ds2 seems to teach ds1 some of the instinctive things like turn-taking, finding someone when he needs help etc. Ds1 loves playing chasing games with his brother and the pair of them can often be heard squealing with laughter together or giggling in a corner.

When ds1's routine is changed or he is tired it's a different matter. I've spent most of the holidays trying to stop ds1 from hurting ds2 - although typically he has now calmed down a bit, two days before he goes back to playgroup!

I avoid leaving ds1 and ds2 out of my sight because I don't know when ds1 will 'snap'. Then again I suppose I would probably be wary about this even if ds1 was NT.

Oh Butterfly I feel for you - I am sure your ds will be OK if he is with someone he knows well. Try and make the most of the time on your own.

Things are a lot better here. ds calmed down in time for dd's birthday and her party yesterday. I think the cold must hve affected him more than I thought. There was only one small incident with a wee girl (we had the party in the house) and apart from flopping on the sofa and kicking his legs in the air, and a few "I am looking at you!!" when someone didn't respond immediately he was OK (whew!)

Butterfly - ds was OK with dd at first. there didn't seem to be a big reaction. he was 2.9 when she was born. I was still breastfeeding him but only occasionaly and that was stepped up a bit when she was born. I think it helped as he didn't feel left out. He was fine when I was in hospital to my surprise (first time away from him)I was out in 2 days and for a few weeks I had them both in bed, one on either side. I think the problems arose later on as he was showing more autistic behaviour and I attributed it to the new baby but looking back it wasn't just that and I was a bit wrapped up in dd at the time.

The difficult time was when she was just walking and still very little and ds used to push her over a lot (he did this with other toddlers too - just to get the reaction) They are fine now but like coppertop I have to watch he isn't too rough. he bosses her about and wants her to do things but I can leave them alone playing for longer now. He asks where she is if she is sleeping and will stroke her head if she is upset (other times of coruse he will tell her to shut up !

We are going to South of Spain. ds should be Ok on the plane. Last time we went away he was 3 and was very scared. I think he'll cope better this time as he copes better with new situations.

I thought ds1 would improve once he started back at playgroup. No such luck. My arms are black and blue from where I've been pinched and punched. My shins haven't been this badly bruised since I was in infants school. I'm hoping that visual timetables will help get him back on track. The Easter holidays have really unsettled him. I'm absolutely dreading the summer holidays.

Hi, all.

Just need a little advice.

James has his annual review in a couple of weeks.
The thing is, I'm not very happy with way things are going at school.

The school have only just this week increased James hours. He'd only been doing 9 til 12:30pm because they said it was too much for him. This week he's been going til 2:00. I'm thinking it's 'cause the Ed. Psy is seeing James in school tomorrow and will prolly wonder why he's not attending full time when he should be.

My main cause for concern is James' relationship with his LSP. She doesn't seem to be motivating James, at all. The past few weeks haven't been good with daily kicking/pushing incidents. She doesn't show much interest in him. Tends to let him lash out then tell him off for it instead of keeping him occupied and preventing situations arising. I've tried explaining to her that it's probably boredom as he's bright and happy when busy with things he likes.

I was a little upset yesterday when I picked James up to have the LSP tell me he'd been sleeping on the bean bags most of the morning becasue, "he's not been well". He was probably too hot and bored. She told me to keep him home if he wasn't better. She is so blatently something - anything for an easy life! He was absolutely fine when I picked him up.
All these little things churn me up, but I don't say anything. I think there'd be a huge explosion if I did.

She's very young - 22, and so newly qualified with little or no experience.I talked to the SENCO a little while back asking what kind of experience his LSP had and the reply was that she is qualified just as his previous LSP is.

His previous LSP was older and so much more energetic, but don't know when she'll be back - on maternity leave.

The Ed. Psychologist and SENCO will attend the meeting and I wonder if any of you can advise on how to put my point across without seeming too annoyed, (which I am) or aggresive.

Any words very much appreciated xx

Hi butterfly - not sure what advise to give. Just perhaps present your view as "this is what works best with James at home and can we try this at school?" I thought schools were supposed to listen to parents!

How was the trip to Cuba?

Hi again.

Dinosaur, it is extremely frustrating and upsetting when the school changes their attitude towards behaviour. James has been kicking a lot recently. One week they don't seem too concerned about it, another week I get the "are you talking to him about it at home?" routine. Drives me crazy. As if I happily allow him to lash out. And yes, I agree that they should be telling parents exactly what's been happening throughout the day instead of masking it and letting us think they had a better day. Grrr.

Some nice news. There's a couple of kids across the road from us who James seems to have taken a liking to. Brothers, 8 and 10. I've been taking all three of them to the park on evenings with the scooter and a ball. James will hold hands and want to stay with the one in particular. James sometimes gets a little rough, but the boys are pretty boisterous and they don't mind. It's really nice to see that. The boys come back for ice-cream afterwards - which, of course is part of the attraction for them, I know, but it makes James happy.

Eulalia, James had a lovely time in Cuba. They went to a pretty quiet place so they didn't have too many children to contend with. He loved the plane - except noisy toilet, bless. Apart from a couple incidents - one involving a pool ball and daddy's leg and another with daddy bringing the wrong food and it ending up on the floor, everything was great.
Have you been to Spain yet?

Talk soon xx

Hi all, I have a friend who has an autistic son, his needs are quite complex. A few years ago her husband died leaving just her and her son. After this tragedy his behaviour become harder to cope with alone and she took the hard decision of allowing him to go to a school for autistic kids that took boarders. He would come home every weekend, and on the whole they had a great time together. It gave my friend the time to cope with her loss and her son a new stability in his life.
Im sure that the decision she took might not suit or be liked by everyone, but everyone is different and so are our children.
I hope that this link works
w02-0211.web.dircon.net/schools/

Good luck

Yes, he's funded by the LEA down in Dorset.