WWYD?

[StarlightMcKingsThree]

Requested a change of placement for ds for a Sept start and gave LA our preferences which included a concession of a mainstream school with a resource unit, whilst indicating we did not currently think it was suitable (as they rejected ds before) but are willing for them to be consulted in case they have provision now which can meet need. Our preferences are Independent Out of County.

LA has written to mainstream school declaring that it is our preference and challenging them to declare themselves unsuitable, which will be hard for them if they think the parents are determined, given the whole inclusion law stuff.

I don't want to contact school and tell them that we don't want ds to go there. I have another child at this school in any case. But nor do I want them to feel obliged to take a child that they cannot cater for and pretend they can because well, they may well have to and any protestation at this point may well get them my ds anyway, but just with a more expensive (for them) statement.

[StarlightMcKingsThree]

zzzzz

WHAT are you planning? To open a Montessori school at the bottom of my road for children with ASD and/or language issues, with built in employment for me and an onsite crèche for baby ds?

[sickofsocalledexperts]

Ah I see, it is probably a crap head of unit, what a waste as lovely room and facilities!

[StarlightMcKingsThree]

Just found out today that dd is on the school council there. Can't tell you how proud I am

[lougle]

That's wonderful Star - I almost burst with pride when DD1 was elected for the school council at her school

[KOKOagainandagain]

Deep down, though I don't think you/one can ever deal with 'rough' (ie socially skilled but not necessarily 'kind') children or adults - you just (hope) to escape to places where they are not so often encountered iykwim. The trick is surviving, with self-esteem in tact, til you get there for some.

Also ... this is not practise... this is real life. I had to deal with a 3 hour meltdown minutes after DS1 got home on Friday (after a week's boarding) triggered by DS2 'letting him down' and not continuing a lego game started last weekend. At least now, the triggers are not every moment of his waking day/school day and are easier to spot and deal with. Previously, everything was wrong and it was almost impossible to find an individual trigger. Don't lose what you have by trying to achieve something that is unknown even if it could be better.

[StarlightMcKingsThree]

No you're right keep. I didn't mean that ds could win in a stand-off, more that he could learn to avoid, deflect, and most importantly survive those situations.

I have explained that they are like the zombies in mine-craft and though occasionally you need to knock them down, mostly you just have to keep out of their way until daytime. This is what he wants to practise.

But I also want to do more 'rating' exercises. So someone not keeping their promise from a week ago gets a context rating, plus a linked strategy.

Who knows if it will work. But I know ds doesn't have the TIME for all this because he's too busy enjoying himself dammit!

[KOKOagainandagain]

Ds2 prefers not to play in the survival mode because of the zombies. When he did he built a beach hut at dusk, with a seat to watch the sun go down with accompanying relaxing music. All designed to keep the zombies away.

[StarlightMcKingsThree]

When ds talks about 'rough child' he means a specific place where children younger than laughed at him, call him weird and pull down his pants for all around to laugh at. It's usually the younger children that behave like that to 'big themselves up'.

The worst thing about situations about that for our kids is that they are terribly upset to start with and then adults descend on them asking them questions about a social scenario they haven't and may never be able to fully process to supposedly then help them deal with it.

As if they aren't distressed enough.

I remember wondering then if the adult's queries weren't actually MORE distressing for ds than the actual incident.

However, he does need to practise advocating for himself as well as dealing with the inquisition following any incident, if not actually going along with it.

[StarlightMcKingsThree]

Lougle.

Perhaps now DD can talk to the HT about all of this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[lougle]

Can you imagine it, Star?

[lougle]

"Who do you have representing you at tribunal today, Mrs Starlight?"

"I have Miss Starlight representing me."

"Ok...where is Miss Starlight?"

"Ummm...do you have a box she could stand on? She's a bit short...."

[StarlightMcKingsThree]

I don't think she's far of tbh. She's brighter than a certain LA favourite solicitor and possibly not mature enough yet to have better ethics.

Anyway, wrote to HT today. Said understood school was being consulted. Said wanted to correct an error, namely that placement was being sought immediately top rather than for SEpt, and while I'm at it here is the context in the form of original placement change request. Also submitted curriculum plan to demonstrate not talking rubbish. Cc everything to statement officer for openness and transparency.

HT will also think I'm bonkers now but at least seriously bonkers rather than all over the shop bonkers.

[bochead]

Considering that you can be treated as certifiable for simply asking for a reading book to take home, or that a social skills group has a purpose to it I think nowadays it's sometimes best to request the crazy.

After all if you are worried about being regarded as bonkers then you might as well be swivel eyed, purple legging wearing, moped riding REALLY bat shit crazy bonkers.

"Merely bonkers" requests are just banal at this point .

[StarlightMcKingsThree]

I might just dye my hair. I always wanted to as probably the most drastic response to a midlife crisis but reckoned I was never too far off a tribunal.......

Is 'bonkers' even acceptable language?

[bochead]

Acceptable language? I used to have to go through my old LA's documentation with a red pen to sort out the crap spelling grammer, spelling and terminology misuse in order to get comprehend their latest nonsensical conclusions. In comparison "bonkers" seems fine to this sleep deprived dyslexic.

I keep seeing de yoof dem with scarlet barnets and wonder if that would throw up a mum has "complex needs" argument in the next state sponsored report.

"Rough kids"

Learning how to keep a poker face is the social secret avoids wind up merchants selecting you as a playground victim. Spiteful NT kids go for the child they can get the easiest visible rise out of every time.

After that teach your son the fine art of the "walk away". getting a reputation as someone who prefers to walk away from trouble rather than engage is a GOOD thing as regards dinner ladies and other adults whose job it is to stop the school yard bullies.

Teach the two skills separately and then get your DS to combine them for best effect.

[wetaugust]

Star
Many years ago, when DS needed that independent specialist placement that the LA refused to fund, the LA decided to name an ordinary mainstream school for DS.

As you said in your OP, mainstream schools won't go against the LA and refuse to admit.

To cut a long story short, I wrote to the Head of the proposed school that had been asked to admit DS and told the school the whole story of DS's difficulties and why his school could not possibly be suitable. I said I would back them if they decided not to admit DS. I copied the letter to the Chair of Governors to ensure it would be read.

LA then withdrew their attempt to place DS at that school. I saw absolutely no harm in writing that letter - it would have been too harmful to let DS attend that school which could not support him.
Sometimes you have to do weird things like this.

It's all a game (to them).

[wetaugust]

Ooops! I see I am too late and you've already written

HT will also think I'm bonkers now but at least seriously bonkers rather than all over the shop bonkers.

That's exactly how I too felt at the time (mind you I was probably slightly unhinged as I'd had quite a few intensive months by then ). It was this letter in which I went all gangsta-ish and told the school that intended to seek a legal remedy against the LA too - that probably scared them a bit .

I bet the Head(s) have never seen letters like these before - parents requesting that they don't admit? Whatever next?

P.S. It works though

[wetaugust]

Now he knows that we are going to go looking for 'rough children'

Can I suggest a venue:

McD's Saturday morning or any evening after 8pm.

[StarlightMcKingsThree]

I don't want them to refuse especially Wet. I'm trying to get 'best fit' which includes an improved family life, and due to my growing lack of confidence that anywhere is actually going to work it would be convenient if ds was local so I can do extra stuff and support him myself more easily, without having to HE full-time.

It would be GREAT if they took him PROVIDED they could actually meet his needs adequately at around 75%, even if they pretended it was 100%. Of course it matters very much WHICH needs. I don't want the 25% fail to be mental health.

My DH is also convinced that ds can do mainstream. I am NOT. But it might effect our relationship if I insist we don't include it in our options. He's his dad and a good one and he has had an awful lot to put up with in our run around. I think it is important his views are included in the plans.

[wetaugust]

Can see your reasons. Good luck.

You said something upthread that struck a note

But I guess my aspirations for ds just never fitted in with the system reality.

Is this how you feel?

[StarlightMcKingsThree]

Yes. I do now.

EP thing done. Doesn't think I'm bonkers to HE. Does think I'm bonkers to consider an alterative school placement if wanting school placement.

Does think HE would mean tribunal to avoid crap provision in future if return to school.

Quite certain ds isn't HF.

Damn it. Dunno why I book this particular EP. Always makes me miserable for days.