Is there a difference between what DS2 "needs" me to do and what I "need" to do for him???

[mrsforgetful]

What i mean is there's lots of 'little' routines and rituals that he 'likes' me to do....like fold his 'baby' blanket up on his pillow every night-before i kiss ds3 goodnight in the bunkbed below/give him a chocolate snack after tea and then a 'supper' chocolate when he is in jamas (if he is asked to get jamas on before the first snack then he protests)/ 3 cups of tea (put in the small sunny delight bottles)in morning & 3 in afternoon/evening....milky+sugar- 1 on waking,1 top up after dressed,and a 'top up up'1 after breakfast, 1 after school,1 at supper and one as a 'supper topup'....and then there's bathtime - yesterday found him sat right at the tap end of the bath- asked him what he was doing- he said if he sat there then ds3 would get his hair washed 1st- now this is likely to be tru as ds3 always takes the good end away from the taps and usually gets took out first as he annoys ds2...however last night ds3 had already had his bath- yet ds2 instisted he sat near the taps....it is because of this 'bath' event i have posted this- it's been going round in my mind........ IF he has AS then are all these 'minor' hgabits etc part of it- or do you have to have MAJOR MELTDOWN for it to count- as i would guess each day we have about 10 or 20 of these 'little' events and maybe 1 or 2 majors....but though little the 'minor' ones take a lot of time and usually result in protests from ds2 resulting in me doing 'just what he needs....or am i doing whatI need to do 'for an easy life'...as this is what my MIL etc think

Tea seems an odd drink to give a small child? How old is he? have you spoken to your hv ?

MrsF - I think to a certain extent Aspies do 'need' these little rituals and routines. Dh (who has so many AS traits) tells me that when he was a child he absolutely NEEDED certain things to always be the same. It was his way of coping with the outside world and all the changes it brought. He could handle doing things later/earlier than usual as long as the WAY it was done was the same IYSWIM.

Maybe this is similar to your ds2. Things that happen at school etc might change every day but he can (in his mind) cope with this as long as things at home stay constant. Unfortunately for you this means that the school thinks he's fine and you get all the rituals and routines - as you already know.

I've got to the point where I let ds1 keep those rituals which don't disturb the rest of the household too much, and try to slowly alter the ones which DO create a problem. Just keep on doing whatever YOU feel happy with. You know ds2 far better than your MIL does. She doesn't live with you and see the whole picture (for which, I'm sure, you will be eternally grateful! ) Besides, if she was so concerned about how he and his brothers are, she would make more of an effort to see them instead of excluding them from the rest of the mafia, er, family.

Mrsforgetful it's really hard isn't it when you're dealing with a child/ren on the autistic spectrum to figure out after a while how much of it is still a real compulsion on your child's part and how much of it is just habit (yours or theirs).

As you know I have two DSs. The older one, aged four, has a diagnosis of HFA. The little one, aged two, is I am sure not on the autistic spectrum. However the little one also likes his routines and rituals - and can get very upset if something is done "wrong" especially if he is tired. (One reason why I think he isn't autistic is that provided he's not tired, or ill or whatever, I can usually explain to him that there is a good reason why we're not doing something exactly as he expected it to be - with DS1 at the same age explanations just fell on deaf ears.

What I just don't know is how much of this is DS2's own "genuine" behaviour and how much of it is just copying from DS1!

With your DS2, what happens if you have to deviate from the little routines and rituals for a good reason - is he able to accept the explanations? If not, then my totally personal view is that I would see this behaviour as consistent with his being on the autistic spectrum.

I don't quite understand what your MIL is driving at with saying you are doing what you need to do "for an easy life" - I mean, so what if you are?? I always let DS1 go down the stairs first at home - because he has a meltdown otherwise - but the alternative of him having a tantrum on the stairs and trying to push some or all of us downstairs is far worse! I know what you mean about it taking up a lot of time though. Then again my DH who is also a very routine and ritual based person (and who does most of the childcare) actually sees it as time-saving, not time-wasting, just to have the same routines all the time for both DSs - and who's to say he's wrong?

p.s. I don't see anything wrong with giving him cups of tea to drink, as long as it's not lorry-driver strength!

I knew the TEA would cause concern...but believe me it is milk in a big disguise!!! (it's the sugar i worry about! You would cringe if you saw how much goes in the jug i have to make it in in order to spread it over all the top ups!!) I suppose you could call it a Teashake! Seriously - only 1 tea bag stewed into 1/4pt water and then topped up to 1pt with milk! (YUCKY!)

DINOSAUR- you KNOW exactly what i mean!!! DS2 CANNOT be reasoned with- or he will kind of eventually appear to 'resign' to something but later will keep bringing it up -so obviously he has not been reasoned with really. Whereas yes ds3 can be 'diverted' fairly easily- and definitely reasoned with- he also doesn't appear to wear 'blinkers'- he seems to 'notice' the world around him...it DOES feel different with ds3- though i suppose we have to see where we go till he's 6 or 7- as experts reckon (?!?) that till then alot of behaviours can be due to imaturity etc...i'm not sure on this- but i was told by my HV that for ds2 at 7 to be sat in mcdonald wearing his happy meal box on his head for the whole meal was kind of exceptable...but if at 10 he was still doing it then she would worry...i think that's what they get at....there comes a point when simply lying down in the middle of a busy shopping mall is just NOT O.K!!!

Coppertop...had a MAJOR break through today with ds2 'exhibiting' his 'true Autistic self'....THEY finally played into my hands......they swapped his lessons/rooms around'! More on another thread!

And finally (though you've all helped alot!)...MARYZ....you always KNOW what to say!!!!
The times when at 7.30 they are all still asleep and i have felt sooooooo tempted to just switch of the alarm and go back to sleep......The dept of ED can spend a day with me and my clan...then maybe the school will be 'encouraged' to agree ds1 does need statementing and ds2 needs his DX and ds3....well....we'll wait and see!!!