I'm not really coping with any of this

[Lillypond]

DS was DX'd with autism last September and was born with plagiocephaly (odd shaped head). I know it's still early days and feeling sad is to be expected, but I feel like I'm full of pain and bitterness and it's like living with a broken heart. I can't forget about it for 2 minutes, I'm totally absorbed by how unfair it all is.

Christmas was horrible and I was glad when it was over. DS wasn't too bad but it was because I had to speak to people and appear to be happy when I didn't want to. DS's birthday was at the beginning of January and that was horrible as well. All those reminders in the form of age appropriate gifts that DS's development isn't age appropriate.

I hate the school run so much. DP usually gets home in time to pick DS up and I'm so devestated when he doesn't make it. Having to brave it twice in 1 day is just a really dreadful thought. I'm so jealous of the kids who can talk properly and run around happily. A boy in his class laughed at DS in his buggy the today and I felt so horrible that I'm still pushing him around at 4 years old when he can walk properly but I do it because I can't stand his behaviour when we're walking. I'm sick of grabbing him all the time to stop him picking up dog mess and licking lamp posts, and it takes so long for us to get anywhere.

I'm finding it so hard to talk to DP about how I feel. We're both behaving as if he didn't get the DX to one another and it feels like everything we say to each other is just rubbish. What's the point in talking about work or new furniture when we have this hanging over our heads. I can't see the day when anything will ever matter to me anymore.

My flat is on such a mess but I could cry every time I think about cleaning it up. I'm such a mess to look at as well. I'll be 30 in a few weeks but I look so much older and I feel it too. I can't even really blame any of this on DS's behaviour as he's been relativly good lately. It's all about how I feel about the DX and fear of what the future holds for us.

How did you all feel around this time? Is this normal or do I just need a good kick up the a*se?

Jimjams I don't think he's at school yet, just nursery attached to the school.

oh sorry- I am a bit vacant at the moment. Another recommenation for Earlybird from here.

Yeah, I think there's Earlybird, Earlybird Plus and Help! for different ages or some other criteria

Lillypond - well we have spoken lots off of mumsnet and I do feel as though I know you quite a bit now.

What I was going to suggest was possibly that if you felt up to it we could meet? Now I know that you probably really are not up to it at all and I totally understand that. It's just we do live so near.

I actually share a lot of similarities with how you are feeling. I even started a thread somewhere as dd is now being fully assessed for Aspergers. Also feel that maybe you could consider the unit as like your ds my dd is mild but it does affect her a great deal all the same. So have felt that the mix of unit and ms has helped me and her immensely.

I really hope I haven't offended you by offering to meet and I completely understand if you are totally overwhelmed by that. You know I am always on msn if you prefer that instead.

Bloss xxx

Cristina, I'm in Mitcham (the Norbury side). I know Wimbledon quite well, although it's not so easy to get to from where I live now.

I couldn't see the GP yesterday. They're fully booked until Tuesday so I'll phone again. DS has been unwell so has been off nursery so it's just as well really. It would be difficult if I had to take him with me.

Jimjams, sorry I haven't been very clear. DS is at a nursery attached to an MS primary school. He's due to start FT in September or January. Can anyone tell me a little bit about Earlybird, or link to an old thread? How long is the course for, do you take your child with you, are they normally local, etc? TIA

Blossom, of course I'm not offended. It's really sweet of you to offer. I'm not up to meeting at the moment but you've cheered me up by asking. I disabled MSN ages ago as I was having problems with it. I'll enable it again but pre-warn you that sometimes it won't sign in, so if you see me on here but not MSN you know I'm not being rude. I did see your 'mixed emotions' thread and typed out a few responses which I then deleted. Everything I typed just seemed like a load of rubbish, but I was thinking of you. I just couldn't get my brain to think back to how I felt and come up with anything that made sense.

Davros, DS's head has been on my mind constantly lately. His hairdresser (who on the whole did an excellent job) has been off sick since before Christmas and so we've been experimenting with different hairdressers. It's not gone well at all I can't blame the hairdressers as they are probably so nervous after DP has given them the list of instructions as to what to do with each strand of hair that they are probably scared. Also his reflection in the mirror is shockingly different and I'm not sure if they are cutting whilst looking at him in the mirror. I did contact Changing Faces (I'm sure it was you that suggested them in a previous thread) as I thought they may know of hairdressers experienced with craniofacial deformities. They don't but I'm now in contact with a counsellor there who is lovely. She hasn't heard of DS's condition as it's so rare for it to exist in such a severe form past 18 months but as it's via email and as she doesn't know me I can be really honest with her and not care if she thinks that I'm totally rotten. Not that I think she does anyway.